ENC1102-706F08

It kind of feels as if the paper ends rather abruptly. A conclusion that sort of sums the idea of the paper up might help buffer that. Also, there are a lot of grammatical errors throughout this paper that need to be gone back over- mainly missing commas here and there, and couple phrases that don't seem like the right words. Also, I didn't see any citations in the paper. You definitely need to go back through and add them into your paper.

any time you have a direct quote, you always need a comma before the quote starts, and then before the quote ends, unless it's the end of a sentence (in which case it needs the proper punctuation). words, "Senator Obama doesn't understand,"

You might want to double check the spelling. I'm pretty sure it's "Barack"

Yes, Dena is correct.

It almost feels as if this might need to be a new paragraph. It goes from discussing his verbal rhetoric to his visual rhetoric, so maybe you might want to add more about his spoken rhetoric than on his visual rhetoric before you jump into that. Or you might want to add more about Obama's verbal rhetoric and that might add some balance.

*Barack Obama's

This is a pretty long sentence. You could break the run on up into two sentences like this- "John McCain, on the other hand, did not have a solution. He just kept speaking about Barack Obama and what he does not understand or on how he wants to raise taxes, without explaining Obama's good reasons behind it." Something along those lines would probably make it flow a little better.

I'm not sure if I understand how his gesture is considered to be ethos. Maybe you could go further into explaining this.

Again, I think you should go further into explaining how this is ethos.

This is a good example.

You need to have a works cited and an annotated bibliography.

Okay, so for some reason, it's not showing my floating sticky notes of my three topics, so I'm going to put them in here. Assignment Parameters- I think you have a start to your main idea but didn't go on further with it. Like Dena said, it seems like your thesis is that "right now this country needs a collectivist mindset." You didn't go on to explain how Obama has a colectivist mindset. Also, this statement is a bit biased. I know that it is extremely hard to keep your opinion out of a paper like this, but you could try not to make it so harsh. You may be able to say, "Unlike McCain, Barack Obama has a more collectivist mindset." Your purpose is somewhat clear, but it seems to jump around a bit at times. Organization- I think this is the biggest thing you need to work on. I see part of an introduction in the paper, but not an official one separate from the rest of the paper. You could use "Upon completeing..." to "some ways" as your introduction and maybe add a little background of what rhetoric is or something along those lines. I also didn't see much of a closing in the paper, so maybe you could sum up the main ideas of your paper into a short closing to make it more organized.

Conventions-I noticed a few puncuation, spelling, and grammatical errors, so I would suggest just going back through and re-reading your paper to catch those particular errors. You need to use MLA format in the paper, including your header with your name. You also need to add in text citations.

This sentence kind of confuses me. It's how you start I think that is confusing, saying his logo represents.....try to reword it.

These sentences need to be conbined or changed they don't flow well together.

support you claims as to why.

find a concise overall conclusion based on rhetoric and support whatever claims you make.

you use the same sentence struction 3 times in a row. Mix up your structures and usage.

short, choppy writing. Assumed too many social norms.

expand on all your points and use specific examples and quotes to support your claims.

Just work on your style and thought process. Your writing seems a little choppy and unconcise. Try to find a simple to the point thesis and conclusion and work on the flow of your thoght process. Also just some small grammatical and wording mistakes.

This paragraph seems a little lost, none of the points pertain to your thesis. Maybe combine with the previous or next paragraph, or even add some thoughts on rhetoric pertaining to these points.

This paragraph gets closest to your thesis idea, try to combine this and work it in with some of the earlier information. to make a very concise simple thesis statement.

mla format?

this is a lot of good information, you just need to work in explanations from what all this means as far as obama's approach to rhetoric. Maybe how the audience would react to all these points.

Speling error.

Good quote.

everyday is missing an e

I like how you introduced each candidate. It makes the paper flow much better.

This paragraph is very short. It's a good point, but I think you can go into it further. You could do this by possibly giving another example.

This paragraph's length makes it one of the weaker points of the essay. It starts off with a good transition, but there is no evidence to support that what he stands for on issues.

I see where you're going with this paragraph, but I'm not sure if it's effective. I think that you need to explain individually in the paragraphs exactly what is an example of pathos, what is an example of ethos, and so on. Otherwise, I think it would be hard for people, especially people who don't completely understand rhetoric, to be able to figure out what is an example of which one.

Organization-Your organization was good and clear. With the exception of the conclusion, I wouldn't change anything.

Your organization between candidates is good, but I would probably discuss the rhetoric each candidate uses within the paragraphs in which you discuss the candidates. It would help the paper flow a little better and possibly help improve your transitions between candidates even stronger.

And I agree with Angela, you should most definitely have evidence to backup what rhetoric method each uses. Also there are very little references in this paper to sources, which you definitely need to make sure you use. This is a really good paper and I would hate to see you lose points due to possible plagarism. Even when you paraphrase you need to cite your source.

Assignment parameters- I thnk your main idea is conveyed effectively. I feel that your purpose is clear and easy to understand.

I could be wrong but I think this is misspelled.

Try finding another word besides different, it has popped up quite a few times within the first paragraph, and it's a little overload. Usually you don't want to use a specific word more than two times within a paragraph (three if it's a very large paragraph, definitely no more than that)

Election doesn't need to be capitalized

This first sentence seems a little awkwardly worded.

1) Written doesn't need to be capitlized. 2) This paragraph seems like it stops short. It feels there should be more depth to it. One example is easily to manipulate into saying that "well that's just a one time thing, he did this some other time." The more examples you have, the stronger your argument will be. =)

Same thing applies here as the paragraph above. The more examples you have, the stronger your argument. Make sure you have reputable sources as well.

i think it would flow better if you took these words out and just started with 'throughout' as a new sentence

comma should be before McCain not after

Why do you call it underlying? I feel like that is kind of the whole point of his speech.

doesn't need to be capitalized

This sentence is confusing.. it might be cleaer to say 'With that said he goes on to explain the mounting cost of our presnence in Iraq, not just in dollars, but in the amount of lives that have been lost since the start of this war.'

doesn't make sense

I think it would flow better if you took these words out and started another sentence with 'He'

should be plural

might make more sense saying 'our continuing without an'

doesn't make sense

earlier you said he didn't directly discuss an ethical issues

why is this here?

i don't think you need the word 'and' here

it would flow better if 'such' started a new sentence

you changed tense from 'uses' to 'made'

should be 'officials who also'

i think it should be 'whom are republicans'

this makes the sentence a little wordy and is not needed since you already said they 'share his view of a misguided war'. it is kind of repeating yourself

doesn't make sense

this sentence contradicts the rest of the paragraph

might make more sense to say 'is what would result'

no end to this quotation

you kind of discuss new thoughts here.. you might want to add another paragraph after it that ties into your main idea more and closes the paper

You used lots of quotes throughout your paper but never cited where they came from.

You had very good details and awesome word choice! You also used the correct point of view throughout the paper and did a good job staying on topic.

Your opening is good but i'm not sure if the last paragraph is meant to be a closing since it discusses new topics. You might want to add another paragraph or make that one relate more to the rest of the paper.

Maybe you should combine the two sentences and reword the very end. Perhaps provide the information for why he moved in with his grandparents.

Reword this sentence. Maybe something like, " In order to slelect the best candidate for the job, it's important to compare them to one another."

It's not necessary to tell the reader what you are going to do in this manner.

Word choice could be better here.

Explain how this was used.

Tenses are conflicting here.

This would be a good spot to use specific examples.

He wrote this to show...

Maybe replace this sentence with a quote from the article.

Again, provide examples.

Reword this sentence and exclude the word "you".

Try not to incorporate your own opinions in the essay.

Again, reword and try to drop the word "you".

I would maybe reword this sentance if you can. The words are kind of awkward.

Think about elaborating alittle more in the opening paragraph. Maybe try with a clear thesis statement.

try using "are" here.

Give examples of each one here.

Kinf of awkward reading here. Maybe try to reword this sentance.

very good evidence. Shows his passion.

maybe give a few of the facts here to back up statement.

good stuff here.

Which ways to we go about making this decision? Maybe elaborate a little more, and close the essay out a little stronger with examples. Other than that. Good Paper

What is this?

This a good and important paragraph for this paper. I would elaborate on this last sentence. Also remember to watch sentence structure.

from

from

You need to describe this better. Really try to back up your statements.

Why is it that ethos plays a role here. Maybe want to give a little more evidence here with some specific examples of why.

Watch sentence structure

In the above paragraph you say McCain did not have factual information. May want to look at this in a little more detail.

This is a good sentence. I can see where you are coming from in this sentence when you say logos is the primary form of rhetoric.

What are the untrue statements?

This is a good sentence in that it relates back to the opening paragraph. I would try to make your conclusion a little stronger.

Attempt to make the conclusion a little stronger. Wouldnt be hard to do and could add alot to the affectiveness of your paper.

You also need an annotated Bibliography

try to stay away from point of views here. Or if he uses hypothetical situations what are they?

Factual information is not necesarilly pertinent here because the war is not over. Maybe use something like history has shown as an example that this will not happen or something along those lines.

This seems also to me like an opinion. What authority does the chairman have. Why would this statement be more credible than the statements and experiences that McCain has had. Maybe give a little more detail in explaining this here.

What are some of these factual informations and where do they come from.

sentence structure

proposing

give some examples

I dont think I would use a qoute that is this big. It allmost takes up the entire paragraph

has had

proposed

Describe his platform better. Many people will not know what it is.

Try to tye your paragraphs together better.

How does he use Logos?

This appears to be a fragment

good conclusion. I think this paper is good in that it has many good ideas. The one thing I would look at is the flow of the paper. Keep a look out for how you word your sentences.

good point!

??

It seems like your conclusion is a bit disconnected from the rest of your paper.

POV

in a ?

very well spoken? or very intelligent public speaker maybe?

This sentence seems out of place. I think you were trying to use a transition, but this does not seem to fit.

I agree.

the use of

addressed

one in war

allows a way ... that part of the sentence sounds weird

worse in Iraq?

Very nice observation!

Not worded right

No need for the word do. end it at ones.

Maybe use a comma, or semi colon. that dash looks weird

very nice sentence. Great adjective!

Agreed!

POV!

Interesting thought

Obama's?

POV!

I feel like this is a run-on. I think it would sound better if you ended the sentence after nature. And start the next sentence on why or how he addressed it that way.

Point of view

Take out and.

Obama's

It would sound better if you said: The day of the election is coming soon.

Again, good usage of information from one of your source to support your claims.

Maybe leave this closing statement at the end of the previous paragraph. It makes this one a little confusing.

I think you are relying too much on quotes toward the end of the paragraph.

Instead of using all the quotes, you could summarize. There are good points, just sum them up instead of quoting.