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Dena Rennie

Peer Review Project One Thread - 148 views

i was signed into my gmail account- it wouldn't let me get to the error page until i signed into my gmail

draft first one project

Dena Rennie

First draft of Torture paper - 55 views

here's my rough draft. http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=dm9r52k_1fttt9t3w (p.s.- i know i'm a source short, but since I was already late as it is since I was in Illinois all weekend f...

Natassia Watson

Draft one - 6 views

I erased the other one, because it was the wrong draft. The correct link is below http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dcwb2b9x_84tn3xggq

started by Natassia Watson on 05 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
Ashlee Duckworth

Draft - 29 views

Here is my publicly viewable draft link : http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=djfhjrm_0crdfxqd3

started by Ashlee Duckworth on 09 Oct 08 no follow-up yet
Garrett Granger

First Draft - 23 views

Here is the link to view my first draft: http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=dfnk558c_0fnxjq8fz

started by Garrett Granger on 11 Oct 08 no follow-up yet
Alex Gutierrez

Here is my first essay draft - 18 views

http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=dwgptmz_0d9hqmzc8

alex gutierrez

started by Alex Gutierrez on 10 Oct 08 no follow-up yet
Natassia Watson

Project one 1st Draft - 19 views

http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=dcwb2b9x_0dr2753hj

started by Natassia Watson on 11 Oct 08 no follow-up yet
Sean McMillan

First Draft - 16 views

http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=dhzcwzb_0fcjrrcgr

started by Sean McMillan on 11 Oct 08 no follow-up yet
Michael Gutierrez

my first essay draft - 13 views

https://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?docid=dhggtsg7_0d45z68d8&hl=en

gutierrez michael

started by Michael Gutierrez on 10 Oct 08 no follow-up yet
Charlotte Randolph

Janice T. Perez Rivera - 0 views

  • In today’s society torture reminds me of “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas,” by Ursala K. Le Guin. Because society paints a prefect picture.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      This is the only time you mentioned any of the works we were assignened to read and analyze.
  • Bibliography
    • Angela Moneck
       
      This should be a Works Cited page by using MLA format.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I don't think you understood the assignment completely. You wrote more about what torture is, where it is present, what practices are used, and what's considered torture. Our assignment said to analyze the four assigned readings and talk about how the author used rhetoric to state their opinion and whether it was successful or not. Then we had to choose academic sources of our own to analyze the rhetoric and how it portrayed the writer's point.
  • ...9 more annotations...
  • The definition of torture is "the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty."
    • Angela Moneck
       
      You can use this when you revise your paper. You could briefly talk about what torture is, then go on to explain what rhetoric is.
  • If we keep on ignoring how people around us are hurting inside or if we keep on ignoring what is right in front of us (War on Terror) this cycle of torture is not going to get better.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      This seems like it's your opinion. The assignment says to try to keep our opinions separate from the paper.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Assignment Parameters-Your paper definitely maintains a main idea, but it is not the idea that the assignment was intended to create.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Style-Your sentence structure varies and I understand what points you are trying to get across, but once again, they are not the points that need to be made in this particular paper. Your point of view, for the most part, is appropriate because you are stating facts, but as far as your opinion, you need to try to keep your opinion out of the paper completely, even though that is sometimes very hard to do.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Development-Your details do develop your main idea, but once again, your main idea wasn't what was assigned for this paper. The paper was mostly supposd to be about rhetoric and its effects on particular pieces of work. I can tell you took time to work on your paper, and if it followed the directions, I think it would be a pretty good paper, but as far as following directions, you did not. I would suggest you go back and look through the directions for the assignment again.
  • There is still torture involved with this however it is more mentally, than physically
    • Charlotte Randolph
       
      Look at the different types of torture. It is not mainly mental, there are a lot of physical types of torture, too.
  • Now how torture evolved into today’s society came from these past events and many more that were not discussed. However torture now is different than what it was ten years ago. Because of the laws and regulations that are set in place. Also because we don’t want history to repeat it self even though it has before. Now that our world is high tech and information can travel all over the world in a manner of seconds we are more aware if something tragic were to occur anywhere else. This helps from another genocide occurring. One of the questions that was always asked when I was learning about the Holocaust was where was the rest of the world when all of this was occurring?
    • Charlotte Randolph
       
      Look at the way these sentences are worded. A few of the don't make sense and they are choppy. Just try to reword these sentences and word them a little better.
    • Charlotte Randolph
       
      Pay attention to your grammer, copy it to a word document to spell check it before the final draft.
    • Charlotte Randolph
       
      Be srue to analyze the authors use of rhetoric in each article.
Dena Rennie

Project 2 rough draft - 0 views

shared by Dena Rennie on 06 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Works Cited
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Good job with the Works Cited and annotated bibliography.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      My floating sticky notes aren't working again, so here is my conventions critique: Conventions- The only thing I noticed was a small amount of spelling errors and that the in text MLA citations are missing. Otherwise, good job. Especially on the works cited and annotated bibliography.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Make sure if you use MLA works cited, that you use MLA paper sourcing as well. And usually you need an extra space between sources in MLA works cited, it also makes it a lot easier to read the sources.
  • different
    • Angela Moneck
       
      You've used the work "different' four times in two sentences. You could substitute this word with another word to make it more interesting.
  • He also,
    • Angela Moneck
       
      A comma is not needed there.
  • ...12 more annotations...
  • throught he
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Speling error.
  • Also, he appeals to the veryday people with comments like that on his website that say, “I’m asking you to believe, not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington… I’m asking you to believe in yours.”
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Good quote.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      everyday is missing an e
  • Also, there is John McCain who has been around the presidential election process before. He has ran for President before and did not make it past primary elections. He was a part of the U.S. House of Represenatives for Arizona in 1982, and was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1986. He is someone who has been around the hustle and bustle of the Washington lifestyle. He is someone who, it would be thought, would be ready for the highest position in our country. His platform has included helping out our economy and ensuring our national security. He wants to get health care costs down to a price that is reasonable for all people. One thing that McCain differs from Obama on is the issue of Iraq. McCain believes we need to assist Iraq in becoming a prosperous country on its own, before we can back out and leave them alone.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I like how you introduced each candidate. It makes the paper flow much better.
  • McCain’s written rhetoric can be seen on his website where he describes how he plans to change our country. His main ideas and what he stands for are clear to see there. It says “Country First: Reform, Prosperity, Peace.”
    • Angela Moneck
       
      This paragraph is very short. It's a good point, but I think you can go into it further. You could do this by possibly giving another example.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      This paragraph's length makes it one of the weaker points of the essay. It starts off with a good transition, but there is no evidence to support that what he stands for on issues.
  • Each candidate uses rhetoric to appeal to their potential voters. They both use Pathos to appeal to their audiences. They appeal to the middle class by promising a change in the way they have lived their lives, by lowering taxes and getting more affordable healthcare. Obama appeals to the minorities saying that it is their time to take a stand and get out and vote, telling them that they can make a difference. Ethos is a big part of politics, because if we have no confidence in what they have stood for in the past how can we back them now. A person’s reputation is key in politics, especially in the Presidential election. This is the time when scandals become forefront, because each party is trying to discredit the other. If we aren’t confident in the person how can we be confident in the policies. Logos is used, although I’m not sure always effectively. Politicians use logic to appeal to people saying how things in our country are now and how they believe they can change them in the future. For instance, logically if we are in a state of economic crisis we want someone who plans to change that for the better.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I see where you're going with this paragraph, but I'm not sure if it's effective. I think that you need to explain individually in the paragraphs exactly what is an example of pathos, what is an example of ethos, and so on. Otherwise, I think it would be hard for people, especially people who don't completely understand rhetoric, to be able to figure out what is an example of which one.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Organization-Your organization was good and clear. With the exception of the conclusion, I wouldn't change anything.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Your organization between candidates is good, but I would probably discuss the rhetoric each candidate uses within the paragraphs in which you discuss the candidates. It would help the paper flow a little better and possibly help improve your transitions between candidates even stronger.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      And I agree with Angela, you should most definitely have evidence to backup what rhetoric method each uses. Also there are very little references in this paper to sources, which you definitely need to make sure you use. This is a really good paper and I would hate to see you lose points due to possible plagarism. Even when you paraphrase you need to cite your source.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Assignment parameters- I thnk your main idea is conveyed effectively. I feel that your purpose is clear and easy to understand.
  • adamentaly
    • Dena Rennie
       
      I could be wrong but I think this is misspelled.
  • different
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Try finding another word besides different, it has popped up quite a few times within the first paragraph, and it's a little overload. Usually you don't want to use a specific word more than two times within a paragraph (three if it's a very large paragraph, definitely no more than that)
  • Election
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Election doesn't need to be capitalized
  • There has been much debate about the candidates for this year’s election.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      This first sentence seems a little awkwardly worded.
  • bama’s Written rhetoric is clear in
    • Dena Rennie
       
      1) Written doesn't need to be capitlized. 2) This paragraph seems like it stops short. It feels there should be more depth to it. One example is easily to manipulate into saying that "well that's just a one time thing, he did this some other time." The more examples you have, the stronger your argument will be. =)
  • McCain uses visual rhetoric in his speeches and debates as well. H
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Same thing applies here as the paragraph above. The more examples you have, the stronger your argument. Make sure you have reputable sources as well.
Angel Aramayo

Angela Moneck - 0 views

  • news-just
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe use a comma here.
  • issues coming
    • Garrett Granger
       
      ...issues, and come together...
  • their opinions out there
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe reword this. Something like, "to express their opinions."
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • The online community I chose to analyze is called Care 2 (Make a Difference). This community fights for several different causes including human rights, the environment, health care, animal welfare, and education.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      I'm not sure the first sentence is totally necessary. Maybe you could incorporate the name of the online community in the beginning of the second sentence.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      yes i agree that the name of what you are supporting should standout and be in the beginning of your paper.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      I don't think the word "that" is necessary, and can be eliminated in most cases.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Be sure to add parenthetical documentation after quotes.
  • I signed a petition called “Stop segregating with colors.”
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Try not to start consecutive sentences with the same words.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      As garrett said starting the sentence with the same beginning words makes it seem repetitive.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      I think the paper is pretty good. a few minor mistakes that you find in every first draft. I think the flow of the paper is pretty good. a few repetitive statements but other than that i think it is pretty good. also i would start incoporating or introducing your topic or your website a little earlier in the paper, like the first or second paragraphs.
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