Janice 1 - 0 views
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Barak Obama
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Dena Rennie on 03 Nov 08You might wanna double check the spelling on that, I'm pretty sure it's "Barack."
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Right now this country needs a collectivist mindset.
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This seems to be the general thesis of the paper, but I don't see any evidence truly supporting this statement. It goes from trying to state that McCain is wrong for the job, but then you go on to discuss their rhetoric of the debate, and not mentioning anything on why Obama would be the better candidate, or supporting evidence of why McCain has an individualistic mindset.
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compassionate
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It kind of feels as if the paper ends rather abruptly. A conclusion that sort of sums the idea of the paper up might help buffer that. Also, there are a lot of grammatical errors throughout this paper that need to be gone back over- mainly missing commas here and there, and couple phrases that don't seem like the right words. Also, I didn't see any citations in the paper. You definitely need to go back through and add them into your paper.
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s “Senat
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Barak Obama
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As a matter of fact, John McCain used a certain gesture with his hands whenever he felt the need to emphasize a point which, to me, showed a bit of frustration on his part.
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It almost feels as if this might need to be a new paragraph. It goes from discussing his verbal rhetoric to his visual rhetoric, so maybe you might want to add more about his spoken rhetoric than on his visual rhetoric before you jump into that. Or you might want to add more about Obama's verbal rhetoric and that might add some balance.
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Barak Obamas
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John McCain in the other hand did not have a solution he just kept speaking about Barak Obama and what he does not understand or on how he wants to raise taxes and does not explain Obamas good reasons behind it.
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This is a pretty long sentence. You could break the run on up into two sentences like this- "John McCain, on the other hand, did not have a solution. He just kept speaking about Barack Obama and what he does not understand or on how he wants to raise taxes, without explaining Obama's good reasons behind it." Something along those lines would probably make it flow a little better.
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The gesture that I am speaking of is the balling up of his fists and shaking them until he released his thought or comment. This simple, yet reparative gesture is what I would consider to be somewhat of an ethos characteristic of John McCain’s debate performance because he took on a type of attitude with each time he presented the gesture and it became a habit throughout his debate.
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In comparison with the hand gestures that John McCain exhibited in the debate, Senator Barak Obama displayed a similar form of ethos characterization.
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His intent was to portray his more sensitive side and feelings about the war by mentioning an encounter he had with a family member of a 22 year old solider who died in combat in Iraq.
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Bibliography
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Janice T. Perez Rivera
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Okay, so for some reason, it's not showing my floating sticky notes of my three topics, so I'm going to put them in here. Assignment Parameters- I think you have a start to your main idea but didn't go on further with it. Like Dena said, it seems like your thesis is that "right now this country needs a collectivist mindset." You didn't go on to explain how Obama has a colectivist mindset. Also, this statement is a bit biased. I know that it is extremely hard to keep your opinion out of a paper like this, but you could try not to make it so harsh. You may be able to say, "Unlike McCain, Barack Obama has a more collectivist mindset." Your purpose is somewhat clear, but it seems to jump around a bit at times. Organization- I think this is the biggest thing you need to work on. I see part of an introduction in the paper, but not an official one separate from the rest of the paper. You could use "Upon completeing..." to "some ways" as your introduction and maybe add a little background of what rhetoric is or something along those lines. I also didn't see much of a closing in the paper, so maybe you could sum up the main ideas of your paper into a short closing to make it more organized.
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Conventions-I noticed a few puncuation, spelling, and grammatical errors, so I would suggest just going back through and re-reading your paper to catch those particular errors. You need to use MLA format in the paper, including your header with your name. You also need to add in text citations.
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Barak Obamas logo represents change “one voice can change” is part of his slogan
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This proposition is truly important because it’s a huge change that will affect more than half of the people in America. This proposition shows change. Change is not something that many people are in favor of because change can be scary. However his logo illustrates clearly “change.”