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Alex Gutierrez

Amanda Flores - 0 views

  • responsible
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Replace with responsibility.
  • For the candidate who wins
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe replace with, "the elected candidate"
  • holds the office of head of state
    • Garrett Granger
       
      holds the office as head of state...
  • ...22 more annotations...
  • He was the son of divorced parents. He lived with his mother in the beginning of his life, and then moved in with his grandparents for the rest.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe you should combine the two sentences and reword the very end. Perhaps provide the information for why he moved in with his grandparents.
  • So you can pick the best candidate for the job, you must compare each one.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Reword this sentence. Maybe something like, " In order to slelect the best candidate for the job, it's important to compare them to one another."
  • I am going to look at a speech and essay from both John McCain and Barack Obama.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      It's not necessary to tell the reader what you are going to do in this manner.
  • Both McCain and Obama did a speech
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Word choice could be better here.
  • The rhetoric used here was ethos.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Explain how this was used.
  • talks
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Tenses are conflicting here.
  • tells the people why what he plans to do is better.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      This would be a good spot to use specific examples.
  • He wrote this is show that
    • Garrett Granger
       
      He wrote this to show...
  • He uses actually numbers.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe replace this sentence with a quote from the article.
  • he does use a lot of logic.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Again, provide examples.
  • By comparing all the speeches and essays rhetorically of both McCain and Obama, you could decide on a winner.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Reword this sentence and exclude the word "you".
  • I have only compared one of each on the candidates.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Try not to incorporate your own opinions in the essay.
  • you must examine and analyze the rhetorical strategies used by each candidate.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Again, reword and try to drop the word "you".
  • (Dictionary.com)
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      I would maybe reword this sentance if you can. The words are kind of awkward.
  • He is the one who has to make all decisions for the American people.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Think about elaborating alittle more in the opening paragraph. Maybe try with a clear thesis statement.
  • s may
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      try using "are" here.
  • directly or indirectly
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Give examples of each one here.
  • about how he knows how hard the war is on everyone, but knows we need to finish it and not back out so we don’t hurt us in the end.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Kinf of awkward reading here. Maybe try to reword this sentance.
  • uch a personal feel to it. He was looking at the crowd the whole time,
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      very good evidence. Shows his passion.
  • tates many facts
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      maybe give a few of the facts here to back up statement.
  • Since he has fought in a war
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      good stuff here.
  • So by figuring out which politician makes the most convincing statements,
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Which ways to we go about making this decision? Maybe elaborate a little more, and close the essay out a little stronger with examples. Other than that. Good Paper
Dena Rennie

Project 2 rough draft - 0 views

shared by Dena Rennie on 06 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Works Cited
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Good job with the Works Cited and annotated bibliography.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      My floating sticky notes aren't working again, so here is my conventions critique: Conventions- The only thing I noticed was a small amount of spelling errors and that the in text MLA citations are missing. Otherwise, good job. Especially on the works cited and annotated bibliography.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Make sure if you use MLA works cited, that you use MLA paper sourcing as well. And usually you need an extra space between sources in MLA works cited, it also makes it a lot easier to read the sources.
  • different
    • Angela Moneck
       
      You've used the work "different' four times in two sentences. You could substitute this word with another word to make it more interesting.
  • He also,
    • Angela Moneck
       
      A comma is not needed there.
  • ...12 more annotations...
  • throught he
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Speling error.
  • Also, he appeals to the veryday people with comments like that on his website that say, “I’m asking you to believe, not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington… I’m asking you to believe in yours.”
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Good quote.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      everyday is missing an e
  • Also, there is John McCain who has been around the presidential election process before. He has ran for President before and did not make it past primary elections. He was a part of the U.S. House of Represenatives for Arizona in 1982, and was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1986. He is someone who has been around the hustle and bustle of the Washington lifestyle. He is someone who, it would be thought, would be ready for the highest position in our country. His platform has included helping out our economy and ensuring our national security. He wants to get health care costs down to a price that is reasonable for all people. One thing that McCain differs from Obama on is the issue of Iraq. McCain believes we need to assist Iraq in becoming a prosperous country on its own, before we can back out and leave them alone.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I like how you introduced each candidate. It makes the paper flow much better.
  • McCain’s written rhetoric can be seen on his website where he describes how he plans to change our country. His main ideas and what he stands for are clear to see there. It says “Country First: Reform, Prosperity, Peace.”
    • Angela Moneck
       
      This paragraph is very short. It's a good point, but I think you can go into it further. You could do this by possibly giving another example.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      This paragraph's length makes it one of the weaker points of the essay. It starts off with a good transition, but there is no evidence to support that what he stands for on issues.
  • Each candidate uses rhetoric to appeal to their potential voters. They both use Pathos to appeal to their audiences. They appeal to the middle class by promising a change in the way they have lived their lives, by lowering taxes and getting more affordable healthcare. Obama appeals to the minorities saying that it is their time to take a stand and get out and vote, telling them that they can make a difference. Ethos is a big part of politics, because if we have no confidence in what they have stood for in the past how can we back them now. A person’s reputation is key in politics, especially in the Presidential election. This is the time when scandals become forefront, because each party is trying to discredit the other. If we aren’t confident in the person how can we be confident in the policies. Logos is used, although I’m not sure always effectively. Politicians use logic to appeal to people saying how things in our country are now and how they believe they can change them in the future. For instance, logically if we are in a state of economic crisis we want someone who plans to change that for the better.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I see where you're going with this paragraph, but I'm not sure if it's effective. I think that you need to explain individually in the paragraphs exactly what is an example of pathos, what is an example of ethos, and so on. Otherwise, I think it would be hard for people, especially people who don't completely understand rhetoric, to be able to figure out what is an example of which one.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Organization-Your organization was good and clear. With the exception of the conclusion, I wouldn't change anything.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Your organization between candidates is good, but I would probably discuss the rhetoric each candidate uses within the paragraphs in which you discuss the candidates. It would help the paper flow a little better and possibly help improve your transitions between candidates even stronger.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      And I agree with Angela, you should most definitely have evidence to backup what rhetoric method each uses. Also there are very little references in this paper to sources, which you definitely need to make sure you use. This is a really good paper and I would hate to see you lose points due to possible plagarism. Even when you paraphrase you need to cite your source.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Assignment parameters- I thnk your main idea is conveyed effectively. I feel that your purpose is clear and easy to understand.
  • adamentaly
    • Dena Rennie
       
      I could be wrong but I think this is misspelled.
  • different
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Try finding another word besides different, it has popped up quite a few times within the first paragraph, and it's a little overload. Usually you don't want to use a specific word more than two times within a paragraph (three if it's a very large paragraph, definitely no more than that)
  • Election
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Election doesn't need to be capitalized
  • There has been much debate about the candidates for this year’s election.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      This first sentence seems a little awkwardly worded.
  • bama’s Written rhetoric is clear in
    • Dena Rennie
       
      1) Written doesn't need to be capitlized. 2) This paragraph seems like it stops short. It feels there should be more depth to it. One example is easily to manipulate into saying that "well that's just a one time thing, he did this some other time." The more examples you have, the stronger your argument will be. =)
  • McCain uses visual rhetoric in his speeches and debates as well. H
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Same thing applies here as the paragraph above. The more examples you have, the stronger your argument. Make sure you have reputable sources as well.
Meghan Winn

Hours upon hours of searching... - 0 views

shared by Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08 - No Cached
  • provided
  • Their dedicated team took over the extremely valuable work provided by Schwab Learning, another non-profit that was the pre-curser to GreatSchools from of January of 2008 and all the information once provided by the Schwab Learn will be incorporated into the GreatSchools website.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      this sentence is very confusing
  • provided
    • Meghan Winn
       
      change of tense (providing)
  • ...30 more annotations...
  • provides parents, guardians, and concerned citizens a voice
    • Meghan Winn
       
      i think you mean it provides them a place to voice their issues
  • in a form of a forum.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'in the form of a forum' might make more sense
  • would have proven
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'could' might be more appropriate since the site is still there and still has users
  • which by being ignorant is a social injustice in itself.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      kind of makes the sentence confusing
  • you understand your
    • Meghan Winn
       
      avoid the words 'you' and 'your'.. remember the point of view writing tip that we were supposed to read a few weeks ago!
    • Meghan Winn
  • difficulty whether
    • Meghan Winn
       
      if there supposed to be a connecting word here?
  • But it is very impossible to do it
    • Meghan Winn
       
      confusing.. what is 'it'?
  • student
    • Meghan Winn
       
      should be plural
  • who are more knowledgable with knowing how
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'with knowing' should be replaced with a word like 'about'
  • Actually, not only one, several replies back actually.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      you don't need to say actually twice
  • in spreading out knowledge with dealing certain situations.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      doesn't make sense
  • responded to
    • Meghan Winn
       
      you should add something like 'with the idea' between these two words
  • incorporate the schoolwork to basketball
    • Meghan Winn
       
      kind of confusing.. might make more sense to say 'relates the schoolwork to basketball' or 'incorporates their schoolwork and basketball'
  • The fact of the matter is that by using certain sites one can fight the right fight if one can believe in it.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      sentence is not very clear
  • picture has
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'shows' might make more sense than 'has'
  • in depicting in
    • Meghan Winn
       
      confusing
  • you, the parent or guardian, the chance to be this teacher with your child. Though recall that it doesn't mean that it requires you to peer over your child's shoulder, it requires you to help your child in any manner possible because in the end of your child's life, the biggest teacher was you.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      refer back to what I said about avoiding you and your earlier.. you use them a lot in these sentences
  • to make
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'use' could sound better
  • matter that can through
    • Meghan Winn
       
      not very clear
  • what you
    • Meghan Winn
       
      POV- avoid 'you'
  • in search for help
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'in search of help' might make more sense
  • In the future, I hope this site gets more and more popular as the years progress.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      you don't need to say both 'in the future' and 'as the years progress'.. they kind of mean the same thing
  • finding
    • Meghan Winn
       
      change of tense
  • get the education they deserve
    • Meghan Winn
       
      this is not needed and makes your sentence sound very repetitive
  • future ,
    • Meghan Winn
       
      no space needed
  • behind in life for the rest of their lives.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      word choice makes this sound confusing
  • If being an activist becomes a problem then it is no longer activism.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      what does this mean?
  • persuading
    • Meghan Winn
       
      change of tense
  • It is as simple as that.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      repetitive.. you just used this sentence
    • Meghan Winn
       
      You use some very good details and have some good ideas for improving this webpage.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      You had some confusing sentences but I'm sure if you fixed those your paper would be much more clear and easy to read.
Meghan Winn

ENC 1102 Project III - 0 views

shared by Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08 - No Cached
    • Meghan Winn
       
      So far the paper isn't bad at all. It is very informational and well written. You use a lot of good details and everything is clear and understandable.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      In the paragraphs you have written you mainly just give details about Africa. When you continue writing I would make sure you address the topic more and tell of the websites visual rhetoric and your involvement in thier webpage. You should also try to critique their page and maybe give some ideas of your own.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      Like Meghan said so far what you have is not that bad at all. I think the paper flows together very well and you have more than enough details in the first 2 paragraphs. I am assuming that there is going to be more written so be sure to address the visual rhetoric of the website that you viewed.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      Again just make sure to include what you did and how you interacted with the website. anything that they did that caught your interest or anything that you did in regards with involvement on the website.
Angel Aramayo

Angela Moneck - 0 views

  • news-just
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe use a comma here.
  • issues coming
    • Garrett Granger
       
      ...issues, and come together...
  • their opinions out there
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Maybe reword this. Something like, "to express their opinions."
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • The online community I chose to analyze is called Care 2 (Make a Difference). This community fights for several different causes including human rights, the environment, health care, animal welfare, and education.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      I'm not sure the first sentence is totally necessary. Maybe you could incorporate the name of the online community in the beginning of the second sentence.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      yes i agree that the name of what you are supporting should standout and be in the beginning of your paper.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      I don't think the word "that" is necessary, and can be eliminated in most cases.
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Be sure to add parenthetical documentation after quotes.
  • I signed a petition called “Stop segregating with colors.”
    • Garrett Granger
       
      Try not to start consecutive sentences with the same words.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      As garrett said starting the sentence with the same beginning words makes it seem repetitive.
    • Angel Aramayo
       
      I think the paper is pretty good. a few minor mistakes that you find in every first draft. I think the flow of the paper is pretty good. a few repetitive statements but other than that i think it is pretty good. also i would start incoporating or introducing your topic or your website a little earlier in the paper, like the first or second paragraphs.
Michael Gutierrez

The World Wildlife Foundation... - 0 views

  • they way they live
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      regarding the way
  • By not saving animals the human race is hurting itself. Once people figure out they are all here for each other is when things will really start to change.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      I completely agree. That is awsome that you are all about conservation. I feel alot of the same thats cool.
  • It about being responsible for my actions.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      100% true
  • ...9 more annotations...
  • If I can’t kill it I shouldn’t eat it, so I’ve taken a stance on not eating beef or pork.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Dont really understand this here, maybe elaborate a little more here.
  • The World Wildlife Foundation is
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I think this paragraph should be a bit stronger. The opening paragraph is very important. You really need to give a good idea about what the paper is going to be about.
  • I grew to love and respect nature
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I was brought up to love and respect nature
  • advocated
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      advocate
  • and because I love the study of life so much.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This sentence sounds a little akward. Just watch sentence structure
  • However, the simple action of even discussing this paper
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This is a good sentence
  • and information the site
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      information on the site
  • Clicking on the “Good Stuff” tab lead me to a place where WWF merchandise is sold.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Where you describe the website is very good and very important.
  • trustworthy site for a great cause, and I felt a little bit better about the world after I joined.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      like your opening paragraph, your conclusion needs to be much stronger. It actually should relate back to the opening paragraph.
Cybil Scott

Alex Gutierrez - 0 views

shared by Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08 - No Cached
  • Equal access to clean water, healthcare, education, influence in political issues, and access to systems within a society are all social injustices that plague our world. Many individuals have come together, forming groups and communities in an a
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I dont see how any of these are social injustices.
  • poverty
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      corruption
  • The choices were made indirectly for them, and without money and power had no say or influence.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This sentence needs to be changed. Watch sentence structure
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • The second reason is political ineptitude, or lack of influence due to religion, ethnicity or gender. Rwanda is made up of many different tribes.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Dont understand this sentence
  • By supporting those that have been directly affected provides a foundation with which they can gain confidence to take action.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I dont understand this sentence completely.
  • The main goals of social injustice groups are to put an end to harsh societal realities, and help the downtrodden to recover.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      You can never eliminate them completely
  • Some may find this statement to be ironic in the fact that social injustices are due to humans taking advantage of others.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I dont completely agree with this Alex
  • where the strong survive.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      In this situation I do not completely agree. The strong dont survive genocide.
  • somewhat
    • Cybil Scott
       
      repetitive
  • affects
    • Cybil Scott
       
      effects
  • American’s
    • Cybil Scott
       
      no apostrophe here
  • Tutsi’s
    • Cybil Scott
       
      no apostrophe
  • 2 U.S.
    • Cybil Scott
       
      write out the numbers
  • believe that humans should have a somewhat innate human condition
    • Cybil Scott
       
      they do? and what does that mean exactly?
  • So I plan to stay active in the ONE community and do my small parts in helping our world progress
    • Cybil Scott
       
      i dont feel as if this essay was about personal reflection. how did you feel, how did you interact with the online community?
  • but to some, however crazy it sounds is logical in their eyes
    • Cybil Scott
       
      should probably fix this sentence
Janice Perez Rivera

Brian Russo - 0 views

  • The moderator or administrator of the website uses a great amount of Pathos in order to really appeal to the hearts of his readers, because you have to be a pretty cold person to not feel bad at all for an animal who closes its’ eyes and cries moments before it is murdered, time and time again.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      This is a good example of pathos. It even made me feel bad for the animals.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I think you should cut off your introduction before you go onto describing the pathos. Otherwise, it's a realy good introduction. You introducted your topic and your opinion well.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Actually, I think you could just take out the pathos part and put it somewhere else in the essay, and continue the introduction.
  • provides lots
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I think you should use the word "a lot" or "many" instead of "lots."
  • ...12 more annotations...
  • the reader can truly feel the pain of that animal.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I think this is an logical absolute. You're assuming something about the audience that may or may not be true.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Assignment Parameters- I could see your main idea throughout the entire paper. You definitely stayed on topic and made very good points.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Style-Point of view is appropriate. You stated your opinion throughout the paper, which is okay in this type of paper. Your word choice is appropriate.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      Conventions-I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors. You do need a Works Cited Page though.
    • Angela Moneck
       
      I didn't see if you really talked about any involvement you had in the website, so maybe you should add that in towards the end.
  • I believe that they should include some of the videos that are currently posted on YouTube of the actual killings.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      This is a very good point. this would be a great way of showing and building up people's emotions on what is occuring to these animals
  • The thinking capacity for the average dolphin is amazing, because they are highly intelligent.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      maybe here you should add some stats on how intelligent dolphins are.
  • Warning: this meant contains mercury and puts you at risk for serious health problems
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      Don't forget to put direct quotations if yoour using a direct quote "Warning.........."
  • into the lunches of school students!
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      wow... I never knew .... that. That is crazy!!
  • to try
  • meat to try to raise
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      should be and try to raise the public's...etc.
  • especially when the meat from the kills is contaminated
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      tr to make this flow a little better.
Janice Perez Rivera

Vincent DiDomenico - 0 views

    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      I agree with the comment that conveience can at time bring laziness.... before I got to that sentence as I was reading that same thought came to my mind.
  • lest their message be skewed or viewed
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      This sentence could have a better flow. Maybe try "Unless their message was skewed or viewed...etc.
  • One from the sovereignty group might say the FP group didn’t put enough concerning their issues in
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      this sentence needs to be structured better. especially starting at the "FP group didn't put eough conncerning their issues in" it seemed like to me when I read this sentence that the word "concerning" did not fit, in that particular sentence.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • These kinds of disagreements are the biggest enemy to any group or person fighting against social injustice, as they can hurt the team effort, and can cause the finished product to look sloppy. This could also put their message out as looking skewed or disorganized,
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      Good point.... It is also easier for a person to commplain about another group or person over the internet because they don't have to see the person...... things like this happen all the time in regular groups or organizations as well.
  • picking up a book and reading takes too long, or is too uninteresting.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      try to stay away from "extra words" such as too, or, and etc, (suggestion for this sentence) ...picking up a book and reading it takes too long or is uninteresting.
  • comprise
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      overall I feel that this is agood paper. Just a little more review and I think you will de great. Just don't forget to place your bibliography.
Cybil Scott

Winn Project 3 - 0 views

shared by Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08 - No Cached
  • he environment is by saving paper they offer free online cards t
    • Cybil Scott
       
      might want to revise this sentence
  • ng their environme
    • Cybil Scott
       
      the enviroment?
  • Not only do they inform the reader about issues but they also tell them how this hurts our environment and ho
    • Cybil Scott
       
      POV switch
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • Their layout makes the page very user friendly and easy to navigate. The font is easy to read and the color scheme they use (green) is very appropriate for their cause. The site is very organized which makes it simple for the reader to find what they are looking for. They use clickable images with clever pictures and witty slogans on them to navigate the readers to their featured campaigns. The rest of the images on their page are also very appealing and aptly placed.
    • Cybil Scott
       
      very was used like 4 times. a bit distracting
  • I can’t wait to continue my activity with this organization and see all of the things that they can make happen!
    • Cybil Scott
       
      you might want to elaborate more on how it made you feel personally, more reflective?
Michael Gutierrez

Gutierrez Michael - 0 views

  • Countries around the Globe
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Countries and Globe do not need to be capitalized.
  • Countries and Continents
    • Dena Rennie
       
      These don't need to be capitalized either.
  • After reviewing all the research I had collected, I decided to concentrate my efforts on the Continent of Africa. The social injustices and corruption concerning Africa is mind boggling.             For this particular assignment I decided to get involved with ACORD.
    • Dena Rennie
       
      This part sounds very redundant. I would try rewording this in a way so it doesn't sound so bland. You use the phrase "I decided" within two sentences of each other and they sit almost directly on top of one another.
  • ...6 more annotations...
  • It is an Africa
    • Dena Rennie
       
      I'm guessing you mean "African"
    • Dena Rennie
       
      Overall, fairly well written. There are several grammatical errors, and words that are capitalized that don't need to be. I thought we were only supposed to write about one online community, not a variety- so I'm a little confused on that end. Maybe you could center your focus to a couple of sites and list them, that way it seems a little more credible and people who may become interested in can have a starting point as to where they get involved.
  • Since the beginning of human existence societies have had to deal with social injustices. Many wars have been fought concerning social injustices.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Maybe try and combine these two sentances here.
  • Poverty and social inequality, around the world, is mainly caused by corruption. ACORD understands that in order to decrease poverty and social inequality it must halt corruption.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      where did this fact come from and is it a reliable source.
  • they do nothing to help the overall situation.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      doesnt really make sense. of course they are doing something to help the situation. Maybe reword this to make it sound not so contradicting.
  • poverty is just the tip of the iceberg.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      good analogy
Dena Rennie

Natassia Watson - 0 views

shared by Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08 - Cached
    • Dena Rennie
       
      You did a fantastic job with this project, I really can't think of anything to add to help you make revisions. About the only thing I can think of would be to give the what the acronym UNICEF stands for, but you did explain what it does, so that is useful as well. Overall, this is a great paper- hope you do well!
Janice Perez Rivera

Sean McMillan - 0 views

  • he just feels that he doesn’t have the right personality to run the United States.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      That last sentence does not flow as well as it should.I think it's the word run "personality to run the United States" Maybe you should try,...he just feels that he doesn't have the correct personality to lead this country. or you can use the United States.
  • George bush
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      Make sure you capitalize Bush
  • When addressing and issue or speaking to the audience,
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      Instead of using and use an issue.
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • This theme was a great example of ethos, where he connected to people’s emotions with something they deal with everyday and love dearly, the family.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      This is a very valid point on how he connected with the middle class. Just a suggestion another way that Obama connected with the middle class and getting them to feel connected to him in someway were they feel like he completely understands them was by advertisement through the internet... not just his websites but through facebook and myspace. That is how he reach to college students. Also the radio.
  • He a great example of someone
    • Janice Perez Rivera
       
      He is a great example of someone verses He a great....
Alex Gutierrez

https://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/View?docid=dfnk558c_1hpcjzwcm&AuthEventSource=SSO - 0 views

  • all of the world
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      One of the most powerful Countries in the World.
  • And as the end of President Bush’s term approaches, American’s final decisions become more and more important
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I think this sentence should be rearranged. It just does not sound right to me. Also I would describe what you mean in this sentence better.
  • yeas
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      years
  • ...14 more annotations...
  • op-ed
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      What is this?
  • McCain’s reliance on factual examples to persuade the reader makes logos the primary form of rhetoric present in the op-ed.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This a good and important paragraph for this paper. I would elaborate on this last sentence. Also remember to watch sentence structure.
  • form
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      from
  • form
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      from
  • It’s apparent from the very beginning that ethos is the major form of rhetoric being used in the speech. 
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      You need to describe this better. Really try to back up your statements.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Why is it that ethos plays a role here. Maybe want to give a little more evidence here with some specific examples of why.
  • Like John McCain, Obama expressed his opinion on the war in Iraq and explained how he would deal with the issue if he were elected President, and again like McCain; the article included a great deal of factual information.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Watch sentence structure
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      In the above paragraph you say McCain did not have factual information. May want to look at this in a little more detail.
  • Because Senator Obama’s article relies mainly on factual information as a means to persuade the viewer, logos is the primary form of rhetoric present.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This is a good sentence. I can see where you are coming from in this sentence when you say logos is the primary form of rhetoric.
  • disprove any untrue statements made by the Republican candidate’s party
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      What are the untrue statements?
  • Hopefully the analysis of the usage of rhetoric will allow for individuals to have a better understanding of the presidential candidates, and will be able to make an accurate decision in November.  
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This is a good sentence in that it relates back to the opening paragraph. I would try to make your conclusion a little stronger.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Attempt to make the conclusion a little stronger. Wouldnt be hard to do and could add alot to the affectiveness of your paper.
  • Works Cited
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      You also need an annotated Bibliography
  • McCain uses little factual information and a great deal of hypothetical situations in order to persuade his audience.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      try to stay away from point of views here. Or if he uses hypothetical situations what are they?
  • Again, there is no factual basis to support the Senator’s claims.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      Factual information is not necesarilly pertinent here because the war is not over. Maybe use something like history has shown as an example that this will not happen or something along those lines.
  • “We won’t have sufficient resources to finish the job in Afghanistan until we reduce our commitment to Iraq.”
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      This seems also to me like an opinion. What authority does the chairman have. Why would this statement be more credible than the statements and experiences that McCain has had. Maybe give a little more detail in explaining this here.
  • Obama used factual information in order to defend himself against the claims of the McCain campaign.
    • Alex Gutierrez
       
      What are some of these factual informations and where do they come from.
Cybil Scott

As election season is in full... - 0 views

shared by Cybil Scott on 06 Nov 08 - Cached
  • One would also find out why each candidate appeals to certain groups of Americans.  To analyze these points further, we must look further into each candidate’s effectiveness in both written and verbal communication.
    • Cybil Scott
       
      the flow is really good here.
  • somewhat exclusive to some people.
    • Cybil Scott
       
      might want to edit.
  • plans to in the war
    • Cybil Scott
       
      i think you forgot a word.
  • ...3 more annotations...
  • John McCain’s written rhetoric seems to be a straightforward approach with minimal use of inclusive words, unlike Senator Obama’
    • Cybil Scott
       
      good point!
  • based on as complete
    • Cybil Scott
       
      ??
  • The urgency to vote in this election has been a constant staple in the mainstream media, especially within the last few months.  While it is important to vote, it is more important that voters be educated on the issues, so they will be inspired to vote for someone they believe will be the better pick for president.  One can find that inspiration by researching each candidate and deciding for themselves where their vote would be best placed.
    • Cybil Scott
       
      It seems like your conclusion is a bit disconnected from the rest of your paper.
Cybil Scott

Throughout the entire 2008 el... - 0 views

shared by Cybil Scott on 06 Nov 08 - No Cached
  • With his use of Pathos and his ability to win over the hearts of the American people, Barack Obama appears to be out in front in the 2008 election. It seems that John McCain has run a traditional and honest campaign through his use of an Ethos-type strategy in an attempt to establish himself as experienced and able to serve, but perhaps this wasn't what the American people wanted to see this time around. George W. Bush used similar tactics to establish himself as a credible candidate, and it appears that the American people are ready for new beginnings, and primed for the "Change We Need".  
    • Cybil Scott
       
      I think you are a very good writer. It felt like I was reading something out of a newspaper which was great! However, for the purposes of rhetoric, I feel like you didn't talk directly about it enough except for the conclusion part of your paper.
Michael Gutierrez

Alex Gutierrez - 0 views

shared by Michael Gutierrez on 06 Nov 08 - Cached
  • (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary).
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Try using a shorter defenition.
  • I will discuss ethical decision making, analyzing and observing the usage of ethos, pathos and logos throughout the presidential election process.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Dont tell the reader exactly what you are going to do. Give the reader a feel for what you are going to do.
  • Campaign ads, televised debates and speeches have all been organized specifically to communicate and persuade the American people.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      watch sentence structure
  • ...11 more annotations...
  • In a recent video interview, Jim Wallis an evangelical Christian writer and political activist discusses religious issues that Americans will be faced with
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      sentence structure
  • purposing
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      proposing
  • and success in politics
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      give some examples
  • heady the appeal of a call to arms, however just the cause, we should still shed a tear for all that is lost when war claims its wages from us”.
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      I dont think I would use a qoute that is this big. It allmost takes up the entire paragraph
  • has learned
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      has had
  • purposed
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      proposed
  • his platform
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Describe his platform better. Many people will not know what it is.
  • A major issue concerning the next president will be the war in Iraq
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      Try to tye your paragraphs together better.
  • McCain uses logos
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      How does he use Logos?
  • Sometimes they work out, other times they have ended with inconceivable tragic consequences
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      This appears to be a fragment
  • You be the judge
    • Michael Gutierrez
       
      good conclusion. I think this paper is good in that it has many good ideas. The one thing I would look at is the flow of the paper. Keep a look out for how you word your sentences.
Meghan Winn

Natassia Watson - 0 views

shared by Meghan Winn on 07 Nov 08 - Cached
  • in seeing
    • Meghan Winn
       
      this should be 'to see'
  • “the War
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'The' should be capitlized
  • to for
    • Meghan Winn
       
      'to' should not be there
  • ...24 more annotations...
  • and so
    • Meghan Winn
       
      i think it would flow better if you took these words out and just started with 'throughout' as a new sentence
  • McCain,
    • Meghan Winn
       
      comma should be before McCain not after
  • McCain’s underlying purpose
    • Meghan Winn
       
      Why do you call it underlying? I feel like that is kind of the whole point of his speech.
  • Speech
    • Meghan Winn
       
      doesn't need to be capitalized
  • With that said he goes on to explain the mounting cost of presence not just in dollars but the amount of live that have been lost since the start of the war.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      This sentence is confusing.. it might be cleaer to say 'With that said he goes on to explain the mounting cost of our presnence in Iraq, not just in dollars, but in the amount of lives that have been lost since the start of this war.'
  • therefore our
    • Meghan Winn
       
      doesn't make sense
  • and so
    • Meghan Winn
       
      I think it would flow better if you took these words out and started another sentence with 'He'
  • statement
    • Meghan Winn
       
      should be plural
  • we continuing without and
    • Meghan Winn
       
      might make more sense saying 'our continuing without an'
  • but the also
    • Meghan Winn
       
      doesn't make sense
  • used ethics
    • Meghan Winn
       
      earlier you said he didn't directly discuss an ethical issues
  • Videos
    • Meghan Winn
       
      why is this here?
  • numerous and respected
    • Meghan Winn
       
      i don't think you need the word 'and' here
  • , such
    • Meghan Winn
       
      it would flow better if 'such' started a new sentence
  • uses logos to justify his position on the war, he constantly made
    • Meghan Winn
       
      you changed tense from 'uses' to 'made'
  • officials also
    • Meghan Winn
       
      should be 'officials who also'
  • whom republicans
    • Meghan Winn
       
      i think it should be 'whom are republicans'
  • that don’t support the war. 
    • Meghan Winn
       
      this makes the sentence a little wordy and is not needed since you already said they 'share his view of a misguided war'. it is kind of repeating yourself
  • but lack pathos
    • Meghan Winn
       
      doesn't make sense
  • Such statements combined with other rhetoric effects do make this a somewhat appealing argument. 
    • Meghan Winn
       
      this sentence contradicts the rest of the paragraph
  • McCain would result
    • Meghan Winn
       
      might make more sense to say 'is what would result'
  • “& intolerable violence. 
    • Meghan Winn
       
      no end to this quotation
  • Obama was more successful in the visual portion due to logical transition and development of his ideas.  Obama’s use of the rhetorical techniques was more forceful and poignant, he spoke with more fervor and greater deal of certainty in his position and thus was able to deliver a better argument.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      you kind of discuss new thoughts here.. you might want to add another paragraph after it that ties into your main idea more and closes the paper
    • Meghan Winn
       
      You used lots of quotes throughout your paper but never cited where they came from.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      You had very good details and awesome word choice! You also used the correct point of view throughout the paper and did a good job staying on topic.
    • Meghan Winn
       
      Your opening is good but i'm not sure if the last paragraph is meant to be a closing since it discusses new topics. You might want to add another paragraph or make that one relate more to the rest of the paper.
Brian Russo

Cybil Scott - 0 views

shared by Brian Russo on 07 Nov 08 - No Cached
  • If a person speaking appears uncomfortable or unsure about what they are saying, the audience will perceive their ethos and credentials as untrustworthy, and persuasion will not work.
    • Brian Russo
       
      good point
  • slow steady controlled speech
    • Brian Russo
       
      commas
    • Brian Russo
       
      good examples of ethos logos and pathos
  • ...4 more annotations...
  •     I believe
    • Brian Russo
       
      no first person
  • I found
    • Brian Russo
       
      no first person
  • It gives him more credit over his competition with Barack Obama
    • Brian Russo
       
      reword
  • us feel
    • Brian Russo
       
      us to feel
Sean McMillan

Gutierrez Michael - 0 views

    • Sean McMillan
       
      You need a concise thesis statement.
  • He quotes that National Security
    • Sean McMillan
       
      awkward wording.
  • He believes in treating all Americans equally. McCain quotes “Don’t increase taxes on anybody”. McCain wants to keep taxes the way they are. This is ethical, logical, and fair to all American citizens.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      choppy, cite quote.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      Good start on ethos, but you need to further explain all your points.
  • ...8 more annotations...
  • In all I see Obama as a better rhetorical speaker; he appears more comfortable in oral or written communication. I do view John McCain as a better candidate for the position of President of The United States.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      support you claims as to why.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      find a concise overall conclusion based on rhetoric and support whatever claims you make.
  • The President of The United States, probably the most important position in the world, will be chosen. Rhetoric, skill in the effective use of speech, will be a crucial factor in determining the next President (Merriam Websters Collegiate Dictionary). Barack Obama and John McCain, the two main Presidential candidates, must be able to persuade American citizens toward their view.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      you use the same sentence struction 3 times in a row. Mix up your structures and usage.
  • Obama convinces his audience by telling them exactly what they want to hear. Obama convinces via the ideals of logos. Most of his answers to the elements which lay before him make perfect logical sense. Obama uses pathos in his Rhetoric. One hears passion and concern in the words of Obama. Ethos can also be found in many of Obama’s ideals. Obama seems to be ethical and moral by the ideas he has presented to American citizens.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      short, choppy writing. Assumed too many social norms.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      expand on all your points and use specific examples and quotes to support your claims.
  • Essay
    • Sean McMillan
       
      Just work on your style and thought process. Your writing seems a little choppy and unconcise. Try to find a simple to the point thesis and conclusion and work on the flow of your thoght process. Also just some small grammatical and wording mistakes.
  • this.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      This paragraph seems a little lost, none of the points pertain to your thesis. Maybe combine with the previous or next paragraph, or even add some thoughts on rhetoric pertaining to these points.
  • paper.
    • Sean McMillan
       
      This paragraph gets closest to your thesis idea, try to combine this and work it in with some of the earlier information. to make a very concise simple thesis statement.
  • Works cited
    • Sean McMillan
       
      mla format?
  • Iraq).
    • Sean McMillan
       
      this is a lot of good information, you just need to work in explanations from what all this means as far as obama's approach to rhetoric. Maybe how the audience would react to all these points.
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