Motivation

It doesn't take long to discover that your other person will not always motivate you to be a responsive person. Many times they may actually de-motivate you.

Although moods and emotions can create all kinds of motivational targets, one motivation is certain to stay in the same place all the time. When "doing the right thing" is your motivation for being a responsive person, your ability to be that person is virtually guaranteed.

Is your other person fairly hard to live with lately? Is his/her slowness at getting over a disagreement wearing on your patience? Don't withhold your responsiveness just because he/she is not acting the way you think they should. You have a higher vision than that.

When you're not motivated to do it for him or her, do it because it is the right thing to do!

Today's Challenge:
Before you see your other person today, think about them by name and think about their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I enjoy being with you.", then express that joy in some tangible way. What a privilege it is to be able to give this responsiveness to another!

When complete:
1. How will this change of motivation affect your relationship and reactions?
2. What does this inspire you to do?
3. What does it inspire you to stop doing?

Sacrifices

When life is difficult for us, we notice. Sometimes the only way we notice that life is hard for our other person is when they complain about it. We chalk it up to a bad attitude or general moodiness. However, when we want to complain, we expect everyone to understand and feel sorry for us.

If you are being responsive to your other person, you are on alert for their pain, their weariness, their anxiety. You don't wait to be jarred awake by their complaints. Is he/she hungry, thirsty, feel like a 'stranger', feel like a prisoner, feel ashamed, or feel like they're in prison? Have you given your very best effort to help them?

Today's Challenge:
What is one of the greatest needs in your other person's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet their need.

When complete:
1. How much of your other person's stress is caused by your lack of concern or initiative?
2. When you expressed a desire to help, how did they receive it?
3. Are there other needs you can meet?

Encouragement

The higher your expectations, the more likely your other person will fail you and cause you frustration. But if you are realistic enough to understand that your other person is human,, occasionally forgetful, and sometimes weak and thoughtless, your'll be more delighted when they are responsible, thoughtful and kind.

Choose to live by encouragement rather than expectations.. Very few people are able to respond to criticism with joyful inspiration. Being a responsive person means for us to give others grace and room to be themselves; it calls you to lead by example but not to force those same standards on your other person. Let others be inspired by your appreciation.

Today's Challenge:
Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your life, for your other person. Think of one or two areas where your other person has told you that you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Praise them for something positive and assure them of your unconditional support.

When complete:
1. When you place high expectations on others that they don't feel internally motivated to attain, what does that tell you about yourself?
2. What are some better ways to deal with these disconnects?
3. What things has your other person recently done well that you can point out and thank them for?

Taking Responsibility

As in anything in life, the benefits we enjoy from our relationships with others depends on how responsible we are with them. That is why taking personal responsibility is one of our greatest challenges. Wisdom compels us not to neglect our responsibilities in this area.

This responsibility not only compels us to ask questions like "How well am I nurturing this relationship" or "Am I taking my fair share of the load"; but also taking responsibility for our mistakes. A responsible person doesn't pass blame or justify wrongs -they take responsibility and correct their mistakes. Humility and honesty are a great help with this. "I'm sorry" works even better!

Today's Challenge:
Take time to think through your areas of responsibility and your areas of wrongdoing. Where you have failed, humble yourself enough to admit them to your other person and then ask for forgiveness. Do it sincerely and truthfully. No matter how they respond cover your admission and apology with sincerity and honesty.

When complete:
1. How did your other person react to your apology?
2. What did he or she need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words?

Forgiveness

Imagine finding yourself in a prison-like setting. As you look around, you see a number of cells visible from where you're standing. You see people from your past incarcerated there - people who've wounded you. You see people who you once called friends but who wronged you at some point in your life. Perhaps you even see some close family members - parents, brothers, sisters, etc. They are all there in these prison cells, in this jail of your own making.

You realize you want no part of it, so you decide to walk away from all these wretched people. But as you try to escape you realize there is no way out. You're trapped inside with all the other captives. Your unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness have made a prisoner of you as well.

Today's Challenge:
Whatever you haven't forgiven in your other person, forgive it today. Let it Go! Ask your "wise soul" to help you with this. This unforgiveness has been keeping you and your other person in prison for too long. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

When complete:
1. What did you forgive your other person for today?
2. How long have you been carrying the weight of it?
3. What are the possibilities now that you have released it?

Protection

Think about your other person for a moment. Think about your relationship with your other person. Is there anything that you are allowing to attack and/or poison that relationship? Here are some "things" that might be attacking without your knowing it:
Misplaced priorities - How much time are you devoting to the health of this relationship? Have you allowed your other person to become irrelevant?
Unhealthy relationships - Are you spending too much time with people who are undermining this relationship?
Shame - Are you protecting your other person's weaknesses or vulnerabilities by not speaking of them in public?

Today's Challenge:
Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any misplaced priorities or influences that are stealing your focus and turning your intention away from your other person.

Faithfulness

Okay - this is an unusual word to use in a business setting. But the question for today is, how faithful are you to this process of taking responsibility, being more collaborative and using influence in positive ways? What do you do when your attempts at connection or reconciliation are rejected? How do you handle it when your other person simply stops responding to you? What if your other person turns into your enemy?

Today's Challenge:
Being someone who sees others as people and being a responsive person is a choice not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not an impulsive reaction. Choose today to be committed to the choice of being a responsive person even if your other person has lost most of their interest in returning that responsiveness. Say to them today, in words similar to these, "I am here for you, I am your ally - period. And no matter what you do, I will never stop being there for you, I will never stop being helpful and I will never stop seeing you as a person who deserves only the very best from me."

When complete:
1. What was your other person's response?
2. What made this so difficult for you to do?
3. On a scale of 1 to 10 how committed are you to seeing your other person as a person forever?

Satisfied

Everyday we place expectations on others - coworkers, bosses, employee's, wives, husbands, children. Sometimes they meet them, sometimes they don't. But never will they be able to satisfy totally all of the demands you ask of them - partly because some of your demands are unreasonable, and partly because others are only human.

So stop expecting someone or something to keep you functioning and fulfilled on a non-stop basis. It's not fun for you or fair to them. When you pursue happiness through other people you end up missing the point and not being happy either. But when you lose yourself in the pursuit of connecting with others, serving others, you get both fulfilled relationships and happiness.

Today's Challenge:
Be intentional today about making time to reflect on your demands of others and read a piece of literature that takes you to an "out-of-the-box" space. Perhaps it's some of the Arbinger books, perhaps it's a piece of literature that's always moved you. Whatever it is make the time for it today. As you do, immerse yourself in the space that this creates for you. A space to get "out-of-the-box".

When complete:
1. How do you think spending time daily doing this might change your situation and perspective?
2. How can you make this a bigger part of your day?

Impossibility

Much of what we have attempted to do so far may sometimes feel like it falls into the category of the impossible. "There is no way that I can reconcile with him!" or "I can't bring myself to be helpful to her - she has stabbed in the back too many times!" And, in fact, I think you are correct. It is impossible, it is just too damn hard!

But here's the thing - as long as we fight against the impossibility of it, the more we condemn ourselves for not being able to to this challenge, the more we breathe life into the impossibility of it. Do not feed the fire of the impossibility!

Instead, surrender to it! Realize that you are human, you are going to fail, realize that the impossible is always impossible until it's not! Do not surrender or quit on the challenge. Surrender instead to the idea of it being impossible and just take one small step.

Today's Challenge:
Look back over the challenges from the previous days. Do they reveal a difficulty in your ability to meet these challenges? Did they seem impossible? Have you realized your need for a change in your heart, mind and soul? Surrender to that thought, that feeling and call upon the highest vision of yourself and attempt the impossible!

When complete:
1. What do you believe you "best self" is saying to you?
2. Is there a stirring in your heart, your mind or your soul?
3. What decision have you made in response to this?

Understanding

We all enjoy discovering as much as we can about the things we truly care about. Whether it is cooking, fine dining, our favorite sports teams or the latest health craze; we seem to find the time to study and learn about those things.

Is the same true with your other person? Have you even begun learning about your other person? Or if you have begun, have you stopped? Here's an interesting perspective - if the amount you studied your other person is equivalent to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about them until you earn a "college degree", a "masters degree" and ultimately a "doctorate degree". It is a lifelong journey.

Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams? Do you know what their greatest fears are and why they struggle with them? Do you understand how they want to be listened to?

Today's Challenge:
Take a risk and invite them to eat with you. Focus this time on getting to know them better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it enjoyable for you and your other person.

When complete:
1. What did you learn about them that you didn't know before?
2. How could you continue this process of discovery in other ways, at other times?
3. What were some moments that made this time memorable?

Vulnerability

Okay, this may be a tough one. But I think we see the truth of this demonstrated time and again. How vulnerable have you been with your other person? And how safe have you made them feel so they can be vulnerable? I'm not talking about being irresponsible with your emotions, but rather have you been appropriately vulnerable?

You see this in public speakers sometimes, they reveal their deepest fears or their greatest vulnerabilities and we see that as great strength and character. But when we think about doing this ourselves - being transparent, authentic - we see it as weakness.

So how might you begin being more vulnerable with your other person? How might you begin to make your other person feel safe?

Today's Challenge:
Begin building some emotional vulnerability into your relationship with your other person. Determine today to guard your other person's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you). Talk with your other person and listen with acceptance, opening up to them as well. Make them feel safe.

When complete:
1. Given that the safer people feel, the more they open up, what does this say about this particular relationship?
2. How hard is it for you to listen and hold back from saying something, critical or otherwise?
3. When have you learned about your other person today, simply from listening?

You cannot change your other person. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. But isn't that what we spend a large part of our time trying to do.

At some point you must realize that you cannot change another person. But here is what you can do - become a wise farmer.

A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. But he can plant the seed in fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds and then turn it over to nature, to God, to the universe.

There is no guarantee that anything in this challenge series will work. But that's not what this challenge is about. It is about daring to love. I know that sounds out of place in the business setting - but there is no other word for what we are doing.

Today's Challenge:
Begin having a conversation with your own soul, your own self; ask it to work a change in the heart of your other person. Ask for 3 specific areas where you desire a change in your other person's life. The idea is to focus your intention on the life of you other person. See it, feel it and imagine it happening.

When complete:
1. What did you choose to ask for?
2. Was it easy for you or did it feel foreign?

Honor

To honor someone means to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth. When you speak to them, you choose your words carefully. When they speak to you, you give their words valuable weight and significance.

Honor is great word that describes the noble way we should live.

Even when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to be honorable just the same, seeking ways to give honor to your other person.

Today's Challenge:
Choose to begin showing greater honor to your other person above your normal tendency, Begin by listening more attentively and respectfully to your other person. Let them see how you give greater weight to their words and requests. Show that he or she is receiving higher esteem in your eyes than before.

When complete:
1. How did you choose to show honor?
2. What was the result?
3. What are some other ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?

"To see the universal and all-pervading Spirit of Truth face to face, one must be able to love the meanest of all creation as oneself" Gandhi

Decide to be delighted!

Yes, that right. Just decide to be delighted with your other person. Lead your heart and your mind in the direction you want to go. Put the critical mind, so focused on everybody's faults, in the back seat. Our days are too short to be focused on anything other than the radiance emanating from your other person.

The responsibility is yours to relearn what you delight in about your other person.

Today's Challenge:
Purposely neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your other person. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Make the the choice to enjoy your time together.

When complete:
1. What did you decide to give up?
2. What did you do together?
3. How did it go?
4. What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your other person?

Conflict & Fighting Fair

Whether we like it or not conflict in relationships is going to happen. When we are in relationship with one another we are not only in relationship with their strengths, hopes & dreams, but also their imperfections and weaknesses. Today's challenge is not about eliminating those inevitable disagreements, but instead it is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side.

Both of you. Together.

The wisest way to learn how to disagree agreeably is to establish some healthy rules of engagement. These could include things like:
1. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
2. We will never fight in public or in front of co-workers (or perhaps your children)
3. We will call a time out if the conflict escalates to a damaging level.
4. I will listen first before speaking
5. I will speak gently and keep my voice down.

Today's Challenge:
Talk with your other person about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your other person is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

When complete:
1. If your other person participated with you, what was their response?
2. What rules did you write for yourself?

Winning & Stubbornness

Defending your rights and opinions is a foundational part of your nature & make-up. However, in the context of a relationship it can be detrimental. It can steal away time & productivity and can cause great frustration for both of you.

There is a way around the stalemates that we often find ourselves in and that is by finding the opposite of stubbornness. That word is willing. It is an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate our conversations. Maybe something that sounds like, "I am willing to go your way on this one."

Today's Challenge:
Demonstrate your responsiveness to your other person by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and him/her. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

When complete, reflect on the following:
1. What issue did you choose?
2. What did giving in cost you?
3. How will this help you in the future?

Excellent - glad to hear it!

Devotion

Okay, this one may be a little tougher depending on the context of your relationship with your other person. But let's give it a whirl.

Many of our relationships today are considered "discardable", "disposable" - throw them away when they get to hard, to difficult, or to chaotic. My belief is that we are all intertwined together in the bond of our common humanity.

So what would be the opposite mindset to this "throw away" mentality. The word that comes to mind is devotion. When you are devoted to something or someone no matter the imperfections of the other. I believe it is our responsibility, to step in and devote ourselves to the success of the other person. When you mistreat your other person you are mistreating yourself. So let's agree to show some devotion today.

Today's challenge:
How can you warm the heart of your other person today? How can you show your devotion to them today? Look for opportunities to bring warmth to the coldness of his or her day. May choose a gesture that says, "I am devoted to you" or "I will protect you." And do it with sincerity.

When complete, reflect on the following:
1. How did you choose to show that you are devoted to your other person?
2. What did you learn from the experience?

Go Gail, Go!

Unconditional

I am sure that your other person has some great qualities - but let's think about something. What if some or all of those good qualities disappeared?

If the reasons you are doing this - trying to see your other person as a person - all have something to do with his or her good qualities, then your basis for transforming this relationship is over. The only way this works is if this process is unconditional.

The truth is - lasting responsiveness to your other person does not depend on your other person but rather by the one choosing to be responsive. That means you!

Today's Challenge:
Do something out of the ordinary today for your other person - something that proves (to you and to them) that your intention is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car, fill up her gas take, buy them lunch, relieve them of a work burden. Demonstrate your intention toward them for the sheer joy of being a fellow human being.

When complete, reflect on the following:
1. Has your intention been based on your other person's attributes and behavior, or have you based it instead on your own commitment?
2. How can you continue to demonstrate your intention when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?

Great Impressions

You can tell a lot about a relationship from the way two people greet each other. You can see it in their smiles, hear it in their voice, feel it in their energy levels.

The "greeting" can become a litmus test of relational health. How do you greet your other person - is it warm and caring or is it cold and callous? Do you say "you are priceless to me" or do you say "you are tolerated by me"? Consider the difference it would make in your other person's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them.

Today's Challenge:
Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your other person today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to daily reflect more love for them.

When you complete the challenge reflect on the following:
1. When and where did you choose to do your special greeting?
2. How did your other person respond to it?
3. How will you change your greeting from this point on?