Today's challenge is about jealousy. The root word of jealous is zeal - meaning to "burn with intense fire". We're talking about illegitimate jealousy in this challenge. The kind that causes you to be envious of somebody else's success.

Your friend is more popular than you, your co-worker got the promotion you wanted or keeps getting all the great projects, others seems to have more money than you, go on nicer vacations or seem to have more intelligent children. Do these things cause you to become jealous?

It is said that people will celebrate your level of success as long as it doesn't exceed theirs.

Today's Challenge:
Determine to become your other person's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on them and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your other person how glad you are about a success or blessing he or she recently enjoyed.

When complete, reflect on the following:
1. How hard was it to destroy the list?
2. What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your other person?
3. How can you encourage them toward future successes?

Appreciation vs. Depreciation

This one is simple in its concept - believe the best about others. I love the quote by Alice Herz-Sommer, "I know about the bad, but I look at the good." This is from a concentration camp survivor who lost much of her family to its horrors.

Your other person certainly has bad qualities, but they also have good ones. Let's choose to look at the good things.

Today's Challenge:
Get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your other person. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first and thank your other person for demonstrating this characteristic.

When complete reflect on the following:
1. Which list was easier to make?
2. What did this reveal about your thoughts?
3. What attribute did you thank your other person for having?

Let's talk about irritability!

When you see another as a person you do not give offense and you are quick to forgive. People who are irritable are locked, loaded and ready to overreact.

There are two primary reasons people become irritable:

First is stress - it can weigh you down, drain your energy, weaken your health and invite you to be cranky. Sometimes there are relational issues that cause you to argue or lead you to bitterness. Sometimes stress is caused by overworking, overplaying and overspending. Sometimes we don't get enough rest, nutrition or exercise. All of this sets us up for irritability. The trick is to balance, prioritize and pace yourself.

The second primary cause is selfishness. As we see with some of our other challenges irritability can be a problem of the heart. Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present..

Today's Challenge:
Choose today to start reacting to tough circumstances in your relationships with love instead of irritability. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Where have you overworked, overplayed or mis-prioritized? Then list any selfish motivations that you need to release from you life.

When you complete the challenge reflect on the following questions:
1. Where do you need to add margin in your life?
2. When have you recently overreacted?
3. What was your real motivation behind it?
4. Consider what "good things" you might say "no" to so that you can be free to prioritize the "best" things.
5. What decisions have you made today?

Today's challenge is about rudeness.

Rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. We can include sarcastic quips in this definition as well.

By eliminating rudeness we are essentially saying to the other person - "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you."

Perhaps ask yourself some questions regarding your other person
1. How do they feel about the way you speak & act around them?
2. How does your behavior affect their sense of worth & self-esteem?
3. Would they say you're wonderful to be around or that you're condescending & embarrassing?

Today's Challenge:
Ask your other person 3 things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

When complete reflect on the following questions:
1. What things did they point out about you that need your attention?
2. How did you handle hearing it?
3. What do you plan to do to improve in these areas?

Gail - let us know how it goes.

Kindness

Kindness is seeing "others as people", in action! Kindness is how we act to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness invokes positivity.

I think there is 4 core ingredients to kindness:
1. Initiative - Take the first step!
2. Gentleness - Don't be callous or harsh
3. Helpfulness - Meet the others needs in the moment
4. Willingness - Be agreeable

Today's Challenge:

In addition to saying nothing negative about the other again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

When you complete the challenge, reflect on the following questions:
1. What discoveries about kindness did you make today?
2. What specifically did you do in this challenge?
3. How did you show kindness?
4. How can you make this a daily habit?

Thank you George - nice work. I agree, remember is hard. I use all sorts of simple electronic tools to remind me to do these little things.

Okay, it gets a little tougher today.

We're going to take on the attitude of selfishness. Selfishness is like a disease that suffocates our capacity to see others as people. When we choose self-centeredness, we become higher maintenance - more needy, overly sensitive, demanding. And when we don't get our way, we judge others harshly while being blind to our own faults.

Today's Challenge:
Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with refraining from any negative comments, buy your "Person" something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

When you've completed the challenge reflect on the following questions:
1. What did you choose as the gift for your Person?
2. What happened when you gave it to them?
3. What was their response?

That's great Gail - let us know how it goes!

My heart is happy!

Today's challenge is about thoughtfulness.

Let's face it; seeing another as a person is not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally. If your thinking doesn't mature enough to constantly include the other person, you catch yourself being surprised rather than being thoughtful. Thoughtlessness is the silent enemy of a responsive relationship. When was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate thoughtfulness to your other person?

Today's Challenge:
Contact your other person sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

After you've completed the challenge reflect on the following questions:
1 What did you learn about yourself or the other person by doing this today?
2. How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?

Patience

When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. Patience is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and it shows discretion instead of returning anger with anger. It brings an internal calm to an external storm.

Today's Challenge: The first part of this challenge is fairly simple. Although patience is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our hearts. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to the person you have selected at all. If temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Let us know when you've completed your challenge and then reflect on the following questions:

1. Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your person?
2. Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?
3. How did you handle that?

Use the Diigo comment function to keep us posted on how you did.

Excellent work - Doug and Beverly. Keep going; I am looking forward to your progress!

In preparation for Monday, let's do the following:

1. Bring to mind somebody you are currently In-the-Box with. Somebody who is difficult for you to be with. Somebody you are seeing as an object. Remember our 3 ways of seeing somebody as an object - they are irrelevant to us, they are a vehicle to us or they are an obstacle to us.

This will be the person you will begin taking small positive actions with in order to get out of the box. No need to tell them that you are doing this - remember it is not about how they react; it is all about you seeing them as a person!

We begin with our first challenge on Monday!

Believing that we behave our way into a new way of thinking, I'd like to launch a 40 day challenge for those of us interested in living the principles that Arbinger espouses. I have the first several days of challenges and will rely on my creativity to come up with daily challenges. Feel free to send me suggestions!

Let's use the Diigo comment tools to tell each other how we're doing, the challenges we encountered, the success we had. Each day will be a separate challenge that will move us along the path. Some will be more challenging than others, do your best and remember that this is not about how the other person responds - it is about you committing to seeing the other as a person.

We'll begin on Monday - spread the word and let's be the people that elevate the culture!

Thank you everybody for taking this on! We will of course, be patient with those who can't check-in everyday.

One person can give offense only if the other will take offense... We only *appear* to control one another; in truth, we give control of ourselves to others by allowing them to offend or otherwise affect us. (See Bonds That Make Us Free, p. 98)

Help me learn to despise that crooked self-satisfaction that comes from judging others. (Anonymous)

You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. (Plato)

Any degree of doubt about whether we are right shows at least the beginnings of an earnest desire to reconsider our ways. Such honest concern lets a little light enter our minds, and in that light we can begin to see differently what we have been doing. (Bonds That Make Us Free, p.207)

Try this for one day: No self-pity, no blame, no excuses.

Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (T'ai Shag Kan Ying P'ien)

Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time-just like it does for you and me. (Sara Paddison)

Maturity begins when we're content to feel we're right about something without feeling the necessity to prove someone else wrong. (Sydney Harris)

Become a responsive person. Be influenced by the reality of other people. The rest will be wonderful. You do not do it conditionally -- not to try to change others -- you do it because you love, unconditionally. (C. Terry Warner)

We begin to get out of our own & each other's way in the very moment we open ourselves to each other's humanity.