Nothing destroys organizations more quickly than those who thirst for power. Thirst instead for results. Thirst to have influence in helping the organization achieve results. Great things happen when people gather in common cause and stay focused on that cause rather than themselves. (from "The Choice in Achieving Results" The Arbinger Institute)

Peace doesn't require two people; it requires only one. It is you. The problem begins and ends there. (adapted, Byron Katie)

"Service and sacrifice are at the heart of a meaningful life. How meaningless life is if we're just feeding our faces and scratching our itches." (C. T. Warner)

True empathy is always free of any evaluative or diagnostic quality. This comes across to the recipient with some surprise. 'If I am not being judged, perhaps I am not so evil or abnormal as I have thought.' (Carl R. Rogers)

To the degree that our negative, afflicted attitudes and emotions are accusing and self-excusing, we are responsible for them, and to that very degree we can stop indulging in them. (C. Terry Warner)

The person who says, "I am right!" and who refuses to question their position in order to discover whether they are right, will continue to follow the line of their passions and prejudices, and will not acquire understanding. (adapted, James Allen)

If you want to be miserable think about yourself, about what you want, what you like, what respect people ought to pay you and what people think of you. (Charles Kingsley)

Failure

Well, here we are - the last day of our 40 day challenge. First, congratulations. If you've stuck with this, then you are to be commended for putting in an enormous amount of energy. And while you may not have accomplished everything you wanted, you have grown, you have learned and you have failed. And that's all okay.

Probably the most frequent question I get about living in accordance with the principles that we've espoused is, "What do I give up?" "When is enough, enough?" The short answer is that you never give up, it is never enough. But that doesn't mean you don't let go. Remember, this effort is about how you respond to others in your innermost being. It is about a shift that takes place in you.

It is not about behavior, or the outward manifestations of your relationship. I believe that you can let go of a relationship, of a struggle without giving up on your desire to be a responsive, loving person.

The Final Challenge
What do you need to let go of? Who do you need to let go of? And how are you going to hold onto your desire to be a responsive, "other-centered" person?

When Complete
1. What did you learn about yourself through this process?
2. What's stopping you from being a responsive person?
3. What's next?

Thank you all for your comments - my heart is happy!

Learning

Learning happens in relationship with others.

The quality and quantity of learning is a function of the quality of the relationships in which the learning takes place.

Today's Challenge:
Ask for you other person's opinion about something that he or she would like to be asked about but that you usually handle yourself.

When complete:
1. How did your other person respond?
2. How did you respond to them? Did you take their opinion seriously? Was your interest genuine?
3. Why was this difficult for you?

The Full Truth

What is the full truth about those I am blaming? Are they as monstrous as I think? Are they as guilty as I insist? Is there no room for compassion?

To ask this question is to ask what burdens others may carry.

To ask what burdens others may carry is to begin seeing them as people.

In the seeing of others as people lies my liberation.

Today's Challenge:
See your other person as a person - full of the same hopes, dreams, ambitions, weaknesses, and anxieties that you have. Try to see their burdens, their challenges and their dreams. Then ask yourself - "Are they as bad as I really think?" and "How can I help?"

When complete:
1. What did you notice that shifted in you?
2. Was this difficult to do - why?
3. Did you take any different actions?

Yesterday

Yesterday is done, today is a new day. But it is always helpful to reflect on yesterday - what went well, where did I blow it? Who made me angry, frustrated or annoyed? What was I uncomfortable with? What conversation or person did I have difficulty staying with? Who inspired me?

Today's Challenge:
Think of 3 situations from yesterday when I still acted from within the box of a self-justifying image? What was your style of self-justification (Better Than, Worse Than, I Deserve or Must Be Seen As)? For each situation, how would I have been different if I had not been motivated by this self-justifying image?

When complete:
1. What did you learn?
2. How can you make amends with the people who were involved in these situations?
3. How can you make this habit of self reflection a daily habit?

Concentration

Concentrate on the bad to the exclusion of the good and I see a problem, not a person.

See problems rather than people and I don't help at all. For the help that is needed is help toward responsiveness.

Concentrate on bad history and I poison the present

Today's Challenge:
Look for the good in my other person and compliment him/her at least 10 times today.

When complete:
1. How hard was that?
2. What was your other person's response?
3. What are you going to do to make this a habit?

A Covenant

We're getting close to the end of our challenge - if you made it this far, congratulations. It has taken a great deal of perseverance to keep going. Today I want to highlight a paradigm shift in your thinking about relationships - particularly the one you've been focusing on.

Oftentimes we view relationships as contracts - I'll do this if you'll do that. And we'll see if this works out. A covenant, on the other hand, is an agreement on a higher order. It is a verbal commitment based on trust, assuring someone that your promise is unconditional and good for life. It is spoken in response to another, seeing them as a person worthy of the highest regard. A contract can be broken with mutual consent, a covenant is intended to be unbreakable.

Today's Challenge:
Write out your covenant with your other person. Place it somewhere in your home or work where you can review it daily. Make it a living testament to this priceless person you have chosen as your other person. Then go do something about it - put you covenant into action.

When complete:
1. How has your view of this relationship changed as a result of seeing it as a covenant?
2. How committed are you to this other person?
3. Can you share your covenant with your other person?

Inspiration

Where do you go for inspiration? Where do you go to find your "Out-of-the-Box" place? Is it nature - going for a walk or a hike? Is it physical exercise - strenuous aerobics, weight lifting, yoga? Is it meditation - spending time reflecting? Or perhaps it is reading - something uplifting, something in tune with your own deepest values.

Pick one or create you own. For me, it is reading, meditation & nature. These "out-of-the-box" places, experiences and activities allow us to re-connect with what is most important. They allow us to build our foundations from which we can then reach out in strength to build relationships on those same foundations.

Today's Challenge
Commit to developing a habit of spending time in your own Out-of-the-Box activity. Make it a habit and begin today. Then live in tune, in harmony with that Out-of-the-Box experience. Submit to it and do as it is suggesting. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance.

When complete
1. What parts of your life are in greatest need of this Out-of-the-Box experience?
2. Where do you feel most susceptible to failure?
3. What are you asking your Out-of-the-Box experience to show you?

You're welcome!

Endurance

When you have done everything in your power to be consistent, faithful and responsive to your other person, they may still forsake all your efforts, all your kindnesses. And if your efforts do fail let it not be because you gave up or stopped seeing them as a person.

So today, your dare is to put your unfailing responsiveness into the most powerful, personal words you can. This is your chance to declare, in print, that no matter what imperfections exist - both in you and your other person - your view of them as a person is greater still.

Today's Challenge:
Spend time today in reflection and write a letter of commitment and resolve to your other person. Include why you are committing to this relationship, and that you have purposed to be responsive to them no matter what. Leave it in a place where they will find it.

When complete:
1. What were some of the hesitations you had in writing this letter?
2. How did you expect them to respond to it?
3. What did this process teach you about yourself?

Dreams

What is something your other person would really, really love? Common sense tells us that we may not be able to fulfill every one of their dreams due to time or budget constraints. But how much of your response to this question has become automatic? Too quick to say no.

What if you resolved to do your best to honor it? What might happen if the one thing your other person said you'd never be able to do for them was the next thing you did?

Dream and desires come in all shapes & sizes - think lavishly while taking careful note of each one. Listen between the lines to discover what they really want or need, remember special things that are unique to your other person, give when it would be a lot more convenient to wait, daydream about opportunities so often that planning surprises becomes second nature.

Today's Challenge:
Ask yourself what your other person would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to thoughtful effort and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.

When complete:
1. What made you resistant to fulfilling your other person's desires in the past?
2. How would it change your relationship if they knew their dreams & desires were a priority to you?
3. What desires are you attempting to meet?

Accountability

Everyone needs wise counsel throughout life. Wise people constantly seek it and gladly receive it. Fools never ask for it and then ignore it when it's given to them. It is crucial that you invite strong, wise and compassionate "truth-tellers" into your life so you can get honest feedback.

Do you have this person or persons in your life? A straight-shooter who is not afraid to tell you the truth? Be careful about listening to others who do not have good relationships themselves. Seek those people who have walked the road you are walking and have been successful in their relationships.

Today's Challenge:
Find a person who can mentor/coach you on how to build the type of relationships you're wanting to build. Someone who will be honest with you and also kind. Take the first step and set up an appointment with them. Be prepared to be open and honest with them as well.

When complete:
1. Who did you choose?
2. Why did you select this person?
3. What do you hope to learn from them?

Applause

When you see your other person growing in character, exhibiting behavior that is exemplary, persevering through difficulties, embracing service to others, exhibiting humility - it's time to applaud them, celebrate them!

So, yes, be encouraged for any success that your other person experiences and enjoys.

Today Challenge:
Find a specific, recent example when your other person demonstrated something positive in a noticeable way (honesty, patience, humility, service, compassion, etc). Verbally commend them for this at some point today.

When complete:
1. What example did you choose to recognize?
2. How many other ways could you celebrate their growth in character?
3. How could you encourage them to persevere in it?

Completing

It's almost a cliche to say that we are all made differently. Different temperaments, different bodies, different personalities, different life experiences, etc. Often, we see these differences as sources of conflict and misunderstanding. However, this does not need to be the case. If we honor and respect our difference we can view them as sources of completion, a way of complementing something I may not be great at.

We are not all sufficient in ourselves - we are meant to complement each other, to complete each other, to work together for some great purpose.

Today's Challenge:
Recognize that your other person is integral to your future success. Let him/her know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.

When complete:
1. How did your other person respond?
2. What are some upcoming decisions that you will include them in?
3. What did you learn today about the role of your other person?

Unity

Unity always strengthens relationships, teams, and families, while division always destroys them.

What if you wisely navigated through conversations and misunderstandings in such a way to guard the unity between you and your other person? What would happen if you made it your mission to do everything possible to promote unity with your other person? What if every threat to your unity was treated as a poison, a cancer, an enemy to be eliminated by the medicines of love, humility, respect and selflessness?

Today's Challenge:
Isolate one area of division in your relationship and think about it. Ask yourself if there is anything in your heart or mind that is threatening unity in your relationship. Open up the lines of communication so that you can find more agreement and stay on the same page. Discuss the matter openly with your other person.

When complete:
1. Did you discover anything new that might be giving fuel to this point of disagreement?
2. How did you or how do you intend to respond?