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Nicole Tam

Voice X - The Money Diet - 1 views

www.walletpop.com/...ill-losing-weight-saving-money

money diet weight loss

shared by Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • Granted, nobody's going to make a reality TV series based on my diet experiences. I did have a comical moment when I went to the gym the first week, climbed aboard one of those StairMaster-like contraptions and almost fell off. Maybe there would be some melodramatic footage if someone filmed me every time I went through a McDonald's drive-thru to buy my kids the occasional Happy Meal or ice cream. I'm sure that I look like a tragic romantic figure every time I pass by the posters and pictures of McDonald's Angus burger.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This is a nice way to add some realism in a funny way. He is proud of the weight he has lost, while realizing that it isn't quite dramatic enough to start a reality show about. This experience at the gym is something a lot of people have probably dealt with. This tangent about his un-dramatic weight loss leads into an interesting scenario between him and McDonalds.
  • -Angus, I only met you several months before I began this diet. Angus, I hardly knew ye. -"Dad, would you stop kissing the menu?" -Angus, call me-- -"Dad!"
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      Geoff has personified the angus burger and has not only started dialogue with it but has started a relationship with the burger. This shows that food is more than just food to Geoff, and now that it has been taken away from him it is equivalent to losing a lover.
  • OK, maybe that's not exactly how our visits to the drive-thru have worked out. As I was saying, mostly this is a drama-free diet.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This snaps him back into reality. He is conversational with the readers and he is honest with them. Although he was initially skeptical about how this diet would work out, he is now realizing that although he isn't dropping tons and tons of weight, he isn't experiencing much drama. This offers hope to readers, and he is giving it to them in a way that isn't overly motivational. Some people become annoyed always hearing that they can do it, and that it'll be easy. This is motivation that seems to be coming from a friend. He is letting you know that he is trying it, and so far it isn't so bad.
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • I had several chances to destroy my new, healthier eating lifestyle, but somehow, I stuck to my plan.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This is a funny, and more negative way of saying that he has stuck to his diet. He is clearly still doubting himself and waiting for the day that he caves, but he is also pleasantly surprised that he has still been able to diet. Rather than just saying he ate healthy this week, or he resisted temptation, he refers to fast food and junk food as chances to destroy his new lifestyle.
  • I bought cupcakes for my daughter's kindergarten class to celebrate her birthday, and I didn't swipe any for myself (we had extra and don't think I wasn't tempted).
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This is almost like giving himself a pat on the back. The parenthesis are an aside to the reader, letting them know that although he didn't actually eat the cupcake, he was still tempted and is still human and wrestling with his diet.
  • I also lost money by not going to the YMCA -- we have a membership, and I should be using it more -- but I didn't make it once this week. If I had, I might have finally dropped enough to get into the high 240s.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      The dashes are a way for Geoff to take a moment to explain why not using the YMCA gym lost money for him. This is him reflecting on what he could have done better, and realizing that it would have helped him lose weight and make the most of the money he is spending.
  • I used to spend almost $100 a month on snacks and generally unnecessary food -- and frankly, I'd rather not believe that.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      The dash again is similar to the use of parenthesis. It is a bit of an aside to the reader. It isn't necessary to understand what he is saying, but it lets you know his feelings about what he is realizing, and the mental pause that people take when they see a dash adds to the voice created when he adds his opinion about what he has just realized.
  • he slightly less heavyset Geoff Williams
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      I thought this was a cute and funny way to sign off on the blog post. It gives more character to the author, and also shows that the diet is working.
  • Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
     
    money diet week 4 progress
tommyalexander

The Weight of Reality: Trifecta - 1 views

weightofreality.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by tommyalexander on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • When we drive down the street or go out to a restaurant, it is not hard to see why 64% of adults in America are overweight or obese
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      good imagery/intro to your topic
    • Dongoh Kim
      Dongoh Kim on 20 Apr 10
       
      It shows a clear fact and attracts the audience by giving them a surprising issue.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like the link, it gives the reader additional information
  • (lets be serious, not everyone in this country can be a Victoria's Secret model)
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      like your use of voice here
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      Like the break and insight to you and your voice
  • America and the celebrities shown on television and in movies has lead to unhealthy eating habits in both men and women, including anorexia and bulimia. According to Teen magazine, 35% of girls 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50% to 70% of normal weight girls believe that they are overweight
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe change the first sentence to flow better into your use of the stat. You mention men and women but use a stat related to young girls. This is a shocking fact but maybe a stat about men with eating disorders would be equally shocking
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      The statistics are really helpful in proving your point
  • ...17 more annotations...
  • Many of these shows are drawing in large audiences
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      pun intended?
  • On the other hand, weight loss shows may be setting unrealistic expectations for others who may be trying to lose weight. The contestants on these shows are given trainers and nutritionists, and because they are on a show they have nothing to do except work out.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      I like this transition to another perspective of this argument. It shows that you have thought a lot about the points you are trying to make
  • When young people were asked about their reasons for dieting, they cited the celebrities that they saw in television shows. Since this study the amount of advertisements for weight loss supplements, diet programs, and thin women on television has only increased.
  • (I’m as guilty as anyone in indulging in these reality TV shows),
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I really like when you connect back to the reader, especially since you have such a research dense topic
  • We make pledges to lose weight, to exercise, to eat healthy, but it is so much easier to go to the drive thru, to sit on the couch, and to avoid the scale.
  • Our meals are super sized, our population is becoming super sized, and now reality television is catching on to the trend.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like this comparison but maybe reword to help it flow better.
  • because even if you are not trying to lose weight, there are tips on ways to start exercising and eating better, areas I know a lot of us could use some help in.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      This makes me want to check out the blog. I think a major issue is that people extreme diet when all they need to do is change their diet to a healthy alternative
  • He created “The Money Diet,” and recorded all the foods he resisted buying, then calculated how much not buying junk food and fast food saved him.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I have always wanted to know what that would be!
  • (I’m usually in the drive thru with a serious craving for fries and a shake).
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like the insight into you and your thoughts. Helps the reader connect and know more about you.
  • And when you really think about it, wouldn’t you rather spend that money on a fabulous pair of shoes instead of that burger at In n’ Out?
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like how you ended on a question. I noticed that there were a few questions in your blog which is a great way to engage the reader and have them think about what you are saying
  • We are always hearing about how breakfast is the most important meal of the day, for everyone, regardless of size, and
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      Phrasing here could use some adjustments
  • pizzazz
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      nice
  • In the real world you have to be able to motivate yourself.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      good point!
  • I stumbled upon a blog with another interesting take on what can motivate people to lose weight,
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      Maybe another word instead of "stumbled"? I like it, but you used it in your last post
  • Plus, money is usually a much better motivator than salad and the treadmill.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      I really like the way you end a lot of your paragraphs. It lets your voice stand out and it gets the point across. Try to incorporate more of this voice into the body of your paragraphs
  • yet the waistline of our country seems to be growing every year.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      Like this imagery - maybe take out "seems to be" because I think the waistline IS growing every year?
  • Eating healthy and exercising are hard habits to get into, and it can be discouraging to go to the gym and jump on the elliptical next to the gorgeous, perfectly toned girl who doesn’t sweat
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      haha nice imagery - I feel like many girls can relate to this?
taylorcornelson

An Ethical Discourse Regarding the Nature of Diet: Trifecta - 1 views

ethics-girl.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by taylorcornelson on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • have come across quite a few
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      "have come across quite a few blogs.."?
  • tyle, witt
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      replace , with - ?
  • This powerful example illustrates just how important the issue is to LaBossiere, and in turn how important the issue of factory farming should be to us as readers.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great sentence.
  • ...16 more annotations...
  • writing is sort of looming
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      I think making this sentence more assertive would help your point come across more clearly. "Because his writing style looms between ..."
  • hen I first reading
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Missed a word here, probably "started"
  • How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver.  In a food/ethics blog.  In the words of the internet, lolzI'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Love this, but maybe rephrasing would make it read more clearly? "How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver. In a food/ethics blog. In the words of the internet, lolz. I'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon."
  • This week I’ve decided to do a sort of “tribute” bit about my newfound favorite blogger, “Wayne Yuen,” and his blog, “Piles of Philosophy.” 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Finally, someone who understands proper punctuation in conjunction with quotation marks! Hurray! Nice job.
  • Whether you are a carnivore, omnivore, “demi-vegetarian,” vegetarian, vegan, or fruitarian, you will probably be intrigued with what he has to say.  
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great sentence.
  • Well for starters Yuen
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe remove "well for starters"?
  • iledohsoclosetogether
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Fantastic.
  • nd it only gets worse
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of italics
  • though
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Though, rather than thought.
  • The one that ran free looked like an animal, it had big legs, a smallish breast, and plenty of dark and white meat, while the run-of-the-mill supermarket turkey had the tiniest legs and hugest breast I have ever seen…there is NO WAY that thing could have ever stood up on its own. 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of imagery.
  • Long story short Wayne thinks it’s a was
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of your own voice... very strong.
  • Om nom nom…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Internet-realted diction is always appreciated.
  • Now, on to something completely different…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      The original quotation is, "and now for something completely different", or at least that's how it was in their film of the same title (I think).
  • ever increasing
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      ever-increasing
  • Ethics in food is a particularly hairy subject, but to get started, here are a few sites that I found helpful and interesting on my quest for knowledge and to sort out my own opinions…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Nice way to launch into this discussion.
  • Is this because we need harsher regulations? Or is someone slacking on the job
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion, stating how what you've just discussed might influence your blog in the future? Great voice work, though I think if you edited the first post a little to include more of your own voice (at least in the beginning) it would be stronger.
  • cdcrone on 09 Feb 10
     
    Guac's first "paper"
Nicole Tam

Conscious Living - 0 views

inspiretoact.blogspot.com

shared by Nicole Tam on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • personal development
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      It might be helpful to readers to be more specific.
  • “self-help” tape
  • introduced to a
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      Link to or list which tape. People might be intrigued because they also listened to the same tape.
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • the things said
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      Kind of awkward phrasing.
  • it was advice that I needed to hear directly from an influential and successful individual in order to truly take initiative in directing my life.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      I liked your personal anecdote. I think it relates to a lot of people who would be embarrassed to try a self help book or tape.
  • At this point, there are no specific topics that I’d like to blog about in regards to personal development
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      Don't necessarily need this. Since its your hello world its ok to generally introduce the topic and leave the later posts to get into specifics.
  • will be can and will be used a
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      reword
  • It is difficult to believe that these individuals we hold to such high regard would pay large sums of money for a product viewed as phony as the shaw-wow.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      Funny comparison
  • stevepavlina.com
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      Link.
  • numerous topics
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      list some to be more specific
  • self-improvement on various levels
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      A little clarification might help. I'm not familiar with self-help so I don't know what these levels are.
  • orum you are can utilize if you choose, an RSS feed, and some really i
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      The wording is a little confusing here
  • variety of topics to comment on in my blog in the future.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      It would still be useful to list some of these topics to give readers an idea of what you're interested in.
  • as thoughtfully written as Emily Dickenson might have.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      Interesting simile.
  • familiar Robert Frost issue of deciding which road to take.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      I like the idea of this sentence, but it could probably be worded in a way to make it stronger.
  • emphasis need s
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 20 Apr 10
       
      needed
Dongoh Kim

Celebrities: Our Walking Ads: Trifecta! - 3 views

celeb-walkingads.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by Dongoh Kim on 10 Feb 10 - Cached
  • (dear God, please give me 20 something year old legs when I’m forty, too)
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 17 Apr 10
       
      i like these thought inserts, really shows your voice and character
    • mkbusc
      mkbusc on 20 Apr 10
       
      entirely agree. shows your casual humor, and what every other woman is also thinking
    • Dongoh Kim
      Dongoh Kim on 20 Apr 10
       
      Very good pause here. It clearly shows humor and attracts the audience easily.
  • Gary Coleman
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 17 Apr 10
       
      i think it's great that you randomly insert celebrity names/ talk about celebrities. this really fits with your voice and the point of your blog!
  • make mistakes, big mistakes.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 17 Apr 10
       
      would it emphasize mistakes more if you separate that into 2 sentences.
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • Bam! Here's
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 17 Apr 10
       
      that's me! sorry, that wasn't a constructive comment.
  • Real quick, I have to plug my own blog before you become aficionados of The Superficial and forget all about me: come here for a dose of celebrity lives from a different angle.  I’m not here just to make fun of celebrities, but also to let you know how reading about them/being obsessed with them, is affecting the way you do things and the way you think.  But, when it comes to good ol' celeb bashing, The Superficial is there for me, and you.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 17 Apr 10
       
      i like how you connected the post back to your blog without directly stating it.
  • Nope, I’m definitely not a hater of celebrity gossip.
    • morgan macbride
      morgan macbride on 20 Apr 10
       
      double negative can be tricky, maybe just stick to stating what you think instead of what not not you think if that makes any sense
  • it’s being a bit annoying with our incessant talk about the latest celeb news
    • morgan macbride
      morgan macbride on 20 Apr 10
       
      dont quite understand this sentence
  • The Superficial
    • morgan macbride
      morgan macbride on 20 Apr 10
       
      maybe continue to make this a link
  • It is so weird to look back at the older posts of bloggers who've been around for quite some time. I missed a lot of information in my pre-gossip life (have I mentioned that keeping up with the gossip of our times is a new venture for me??). So browsing the past brought up a lot of "she did whats?!" that would make the avid gossipists look away with shame at my naivety.  But I like to think that it gives me a fresh outlook on the news; none of the usual bias latched on to each person.  So how does one get started in this messy gossip business? It all starts with some innocent curiosity, a click of a link here or there, watching the girls sitting in front of you in class surf perezhilton.com
    • morgan macbride
      morgan macbride on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great intro to a post, very funny
  • which is obvious
    • morgan macbride
      morgan macbride on 20 Apr 10
       
      "which may be obvious to us"
  • too-perfect-to-be real-people
    • glnnrivera
      glnnrivera on 20 Apr 10
       
      good string here
  • Talk about unhealthy
    • glnnrivera
      glnnrivera on 20 Apr 10
       
      consider ommitting
  • not the scariest thing you’ve seen
    • glnnrivera
      glnnrivera on 20 Apr 10
       
      link to picture? I have not seen it personally.
  • And also because it's fun to read :)
    • glnnrivera
      glnnrivera on 20 Apr 10
       
      I think your second to last sentence is stronger to end on than your current last.
  •   I promise to be blunt and to be honest.  Hey, I’m already out of the closet with the most embarrassing secret: Hi I’m "Ok!", and I’m addicted to gossip blogs.
  • And it has also convinced me not to go out and do yoga with my boobs hanging out right after those surgeries in order to make money to pay for them.
taylorcornelson

15 Most Annoying Types of Twitter Users - 0 views

soshable.com/nnoying-types-of-twitter-users

voicex

shared by taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • It can be argued that those of us who tweet links to content on the web are the most annoying of Twitter users.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Here the author cuts right to the chase - there's no introduction or extraneous information. He assumes his readership base already knows exactly what he's talking about.
  • Otherwise, there are probably dozens of other types that are just as annoying. 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Sentence structure is short and concise. Again, no 'padding' of words. He also uses relatively informal words such as "annoying", setting a relaxed tone to the post.
  • With as much money as people are apparently making on FOREX, it’s amazing that they have time to work their Twitter accounts.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Use of sarcasm, playing up the humor of the post. It also forces the reader to pay attention to what's being written, as it takes a deeper reading of this commentary to understand when sarcasm is in use.
  • ...11 more annotations...
  • When you post links to stories, you really should make sure that everyone can see what the story says rather than link to your own site and expect people to click through from your site to the source content.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, more sarcasm.
  • Just a thought.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Short sentence creates a contrast to the previous sentence, creating interest for the reader.
  • IF YOU TWEET, EMAIL, IM, OR DO ANY FORM OF COMMUNICATION IN ALL CAPS, IT MEANS THAT YOU’RE YELLING WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY!!!!!! MAKE SURE THAT WHAT YOU YELL IS WORTH YELLING!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, humor is used, and in an ironic way. Creates a connection to the reader because, if he assumes his audience correctly, they can completely relate to what he's saying.
  • For those not in the game, it can get rather mundane if all you post is who you’ve assassinated, what weapons you’ve purchased, and how we can join your clan/family/ring/dojo.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Complex sentence creates rhythm and movement through at the post.
  • I know. Everyone loves Oprah.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Short sentences create an introductory "hook".
  • You can’t say anything bad about her because she is perfection boxed up into human form.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Great imagery here - helps draw the reader in to the description.
  • It reminds me of the people who followed Forrest Gump on his runs across the country. They were there, waiting for him to say something magical, and it never came.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Pop culture reference assumes a certain type of readership and age, while at the same time reinforcing the visual nature of the description of Oprah as a bearded Tom Hanks.
  • It’s the Internet. Porn is everywhere. Why would anyone go to Twitter to find it? Answer: they don’t.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Nice coupling of short sentences, creating rhythmic structure.
  • I know Twitter in its purest form is supposed to be somewhat mundane, but some people take it way too far.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      I personally can greatly relate to this post, reinforcing a sense of connection with the author.
  • Still, that shouldn’t be ALL that you tweet, should it?
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Question creates a natural transition and again makes the reader think about what's just been asked.
  • That’s nice. What are you going to Tweet about?
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Condescending voice communicated through text helps reader 'hear' the author.
Chelsea Hamill

Fashion Tidbits - 1 views

fashion-tidbits.blogspot.com

fashion

shared by Chelsea Hamill on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • It was -11 degrees today....brrrr so cold!
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 04 Feb 10
       
      She uses causal and familiar diction. Her grammar is informal as well adding commentary to her sentence.
  • It might be nothing for you Canadians but I have no patience when my fingers feel like they're about to fall off!
  • I'm telling you, there ARE HEAPS of coffee shops in Seoul. It's not like Starbucks doesn't have enough money already, you know?
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 04 Feb 10
       
      * She previously tells the readers that the coffee prices have been raised. The use of all caps adds an emphasis to the number of coffee shops there are. It stresses how frustrated she is at the new prices.
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • There. My little rant is over.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 04 Feb 10
       
      This short sentence is very conversational. She is writing almost like she is speaking directly to us.
  • I was one grumpy, cappuccino lady today.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 04 Feb 10
       
      She uses the picture above to illustrate how she is feeling. I just think this sentence is funny. Something that most can relate to.
bamk340

The Weight of Reality: February 2010 - 4 views

weightofreality.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html

shared by bamk340 on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • Most diet blogs are meant to be motivating, and in order to inspire others, you often must be inspired yourself. But, if we’re being serious with ourselves, thousands of people pledge every January first to lose weight, and yet the waistline of our country seems to be growing every year.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      I like the realist point of view here. The honesty makes readers more likely to pay attention and trust the writer.
  • it can be discouraging to go to the gym and jump on the elliptical next to the gorgeous, perfectly toned girl who doesn’t sweat
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      Really paints the picture, and it's something that I can totally relate with! The imagery makes this an interesting read.
  • and I am totally guilty of this too
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      A nice personal touch, it makes the writer real to the reader.
  • ...12 more annotations...
  • While many fast food companies are trying to include healthy options in their menus, this isn’t the reason most of us are going there (I’m usually in the drive thru with a serious craving for fries and a shake)
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, personal confessions make it seem real. The side note in parentheses is also funny. I can see myself in that drive through ordering those fries and a shake too.
  • He knows that all that old food will still be calling out to him. He also knows that his weight loss is not going to be as dramatic as all the reality shows make it seem.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      Repetition of the words, "he knows" catches attention.
  • stumbled
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      Use of action verb, create a clear image.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      would it grab more of the reader's attention if you reverse the order of the clauses and start with "I stumbled..." first?
  • calculated how much not buying junk food and fast food saved him.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      very good idea!
  • weight loss tangible
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      The use of personification makes this more interesting. Because of the image the word "tangible" is illustrating ( I am actually imaging reaching and grabing "weight loss"), it is very convincing.
  • Plus, money is usually a much better motivator than salad and the treadmill.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      I like how you pointed this out because I didn't think to compare this with other weight loss "motivations".
  • Most of are
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      just a note for you that you forgot a word in this sentence
  • We make pledges to lose weight, to exercise, to eat healthy, but it is so much easier to go to the drive thru, to sit on the couch, and to avoid the scale.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      The use of parallel structure in this sentence to compare what what people want to do verse what they tend actualy do. I like how you point these relationships out.
  • Weight loss is a slow process, especially when factors like work, family and the junk food that we are constantly surrounded with come into the mix.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, pointing out these relationships are what makes your post interesting to read. It shows that you really analyzed this topic and kind of put your perspective into it.
  • “I'm thinking that if I can start training myself to say, "Hey, don't buy that eighty-nine-cent candy bar," when I'm at, say, a Walgreen's (no offense, Walgreen's), and I jot down that 89 cents in a journal, maybe I'll start to see some progress, not just on my scale, but in my bank account, too,”
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      Maybe you should block quote this or summarize his points.
  • With this scenario,
  • With his blog Geoff is ab
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      the previous paragraph also started with "with" may be you can change that so there's more variety.
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