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bamk340

The Weight of Reality: February 2010 - 4 views

weightofreality.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html

shared by bamk340 on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • Most diet blogs are meant to be motivating, and in order to inspire others, you often must be inspired yourself. But, if we’re being serious with ourselves, thousands of people pledge every January first to lose weight, and yet the waistline of our country seems to be growing every year.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      I like the realist point of view here. The honesty makes readers more likely to pay attention and trust the writer.
  • it can be discouraging to go to the gym and jump on the elliptical next to the gorgeous, perfectly toned girl who doesn’t sweat
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      Really paints the picture, and it's something that I can totally relate with! The imagery makes this an interesting read.
  • and I am totally guilty of this too
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      A nice personal touch, it makes the writer real to the reader.
  • ...12 more annotations...
  • While many fast food companies are trying to include healthy options in their menus, this isn’t the reason most of us are going there (I’m usually in the drive thru with a serious craving for fries and a shake)
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, personal confessions make it seem real. The side note in parentheses is also funny. I can see myself in that drive through ordering those fries and a shake too.
  • He knows that all that old food will still be calling out to him. He also knows that his weight loss is not going to be as dramatic as all the reality shows make it seem.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 04 Feb 10
       
      Repetition of the words, "he knows" catches attention.
  • stumbled
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      Use of action verb, create a clear image.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      would it grab more of the reader's attention if you reverse the order of the clauses and start with "I stumbled..." first?
  • calculated how much not buying junk food and fast food saved him.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      very good idea!
  • weight loss tangible
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      The use of personification makes this more interesting. Because of the image the word "tangible" is illustrating ( I am actually imaging reaching and grabing "weight loss"), it is very convincing.
  • Plus, money is usually a much better motivator than salad and the treadmill.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      I like how you pointed this out because I didn't think to compare this with other weight loss "motivations".
  • Most of are
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      just a note for you that you forgot a word in this sentence
  • We make pledges to lose weight, to exercise, to eat healthy, but it is so much easier to go to the drive thru, to sit on the couch, and to avoid the scale.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      The use of parallel structure in this sentence to compare what what people want to do verse what they tend actualy do. I like how you point these relationships out.
  • Weight loss is a slow process, especially when factors like work, family and the junk food that we are constantly surrounded with come into the mix.
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, pointing out these relationships are what makes your post interesting to read. It shows that you really analyzed this topic and kind of put your perspective into it.
  • “I'm thinking that if I can start training myself to say, "Hey, don't buy that eighty-nine-cent candy bar," when I'm at, say, a Walgreen's (no offense, Walgreen's), and I jot down that 89 cents in a journal, maybe I'll start to see some progress, not just on my scale, but in my bank account, too,”
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      Maybe you should block quote this or summarize his points.
  • With this scenario,
  • With his blog Geoff is ab
    • bamk340
      bamk340 on 04 Feb 10
       
      the previous paragraph also started with "with" may be you can change that so there's more variety.
tommyalexander

The Weight of Reality: Trifecta - 1 views

weightofreality.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by tommyalexander on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • When we drive down the street or go out to a restaurant, it is not hard to see why 64% of adults in America are overweight or obese
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      good imagery/intro to your topic
    • Dongoh Kim
      Dongoh Kim on 20 Apr 10
       
      It shows a clear fact and attracts the audience by giving them a surprising issue.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like the link, it gives the reader additional information
  • (lets be serious, not everyone in this country can be a Victoria's Secret model)
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      like your use of voice here
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      Like the break and insight to you and your voice
  • America and the celebrities shown on television and in movies has lead to unhealthy eating habits in both men and women, including anorexia and bulimia. According to Teen magazine, 35% of girls 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50% to 70% of normal weight girls believe that they are overweight
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe change the first sentence to flow better into your use of the stat. You mention men and women but use a stat related to young girls. This is a shocking fact but maybe a stat about men with eating disorders would be equally shocking
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      The statistics are really helpful in proving your point
  • ...17 more annotations...
  • Many of these shows are drawing in large audiences
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      pun intended?
  • On the other hand, weight loss shows may be setting unrealistic expectations for others who may be trying to lose weight. The contestants on these shows are given trainers and nutritionists, and because they are on a show they have nothing to do except work out.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 20 Apr 10
       
      I like this transition to another perspective of this argument. It shows that you have thought a lot about the points you are trying to make
  • When young people were asked about their reasons for dieting, they cited the celebrities that they saw in television shows. Since this study the amount of advertisements for weight loss supplements, diet programs, and thin women on television has only increased.
  • (I’m as guilty as anyone in indulging in these reality TV shows),
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I really like when you connect back to the reader, especially since you have such a research dense topic
  • We make pledges to lose weight, to exercise, to eat healthy, but it is so much easier to go to the drive thru, to sit on the couch, and to avoid the scale.
  • Our meals are super sized, our population is becoming super sized, and now reality television is catching on to the trend.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like this comparison but maybe reword to help it flow better.
  • because even if you are not trying to lose weight, there are tips on ways to start exercising and eating better, areas I know a lot of us could use some help in.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      This makes me want to check out the blog. I think a major issue is that people extreme diet when all they need to do is change their diet to a healthy alternative
  • He created “The Money Diet,” and recorded all the foods he resisted buying, then calculated how much not buying junk food and fast food saved him.
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I have always wanted to know what that would be!
  • (I’m usually in the drive thru with a serious craving for fries and a shake).
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like the insight into you and your thoughts. Helps the reader connect and know more about you.
  • And when you really think about it, wouldn’t you rather spend that money on a fabulous pair of shoes instead of that burger at In n’ Out?
    • Chelsea Hamill
      Chelsea Hamill on 21 Apr 10
       
      I like how you ended on a question. I noticed that there were a few questions in your blog which is a great way to engage the reader and have them think about what you are saying
  • We are always hearing about how breakfast is the most important meal of the day, for everyone, regardless of size, and
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      Phrasing here could use some adjustments
  • pizzazz
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      nice
  • In the real world you have to be able to motivate yourself.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      good point!
  • I stumbled upon a blog with another interesting take on what can motivate people to lose weight,
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      Maybe another word instead of "stumbled"? I like it, but you used it in your last post
  • Plus, money is usually a much better motivator than salad and the treadmill.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      I really like the way you end a lot of your paragraphs. It lets your voice stand out and it gets the point across. Try to incorporate more of this voice into the body of your paragraphs
  • yet the waistline of our country seems to be growing every year.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      Like this imagery - maybe take out "seems to be" because I think the waistline IS growing every year?
  • Eating healthy and exercising are hard habits to get into, and it can be discouraging to go to the gym and jump on the elliptical next to the gorgeous, perfectly toned girl who doesn’t sweat
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 21 Apr 10
       
      haha nice imagery - I feel like many girls can relate to this?
Nicole Tam

Voice X - The Money Diet - 1 views

www.walletpop.com/...ill-losing-weight-saving-money

money diet weight loss

shared by Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • Granted, nobody's going to make a reality TV series based on my diet experiences. I did have a comical moment when I went to the gym the first week, climbed aboard one of those StairMaster-like contraptions and almost fell off. Maybe there would be some melodramatic footage if someone filmed me every time I went through a McDonald's drive-thru to buy my kids the occasional Happy Meal or ice cream. I'm sure that I look like a tragic romantic figure every time I pass by the posters and pictures of McDonald's Angus burger.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This is a nice way to add some realism in a funny way. He is proud of the weight he has lost, while realizing that it isn't quite dramatic enough to start a reality show about. This experience at the gym is something a lot of people have probably dealt with. This tangent about his un-dramatic weight loss leads into an interesting scenario between him and McDonalds.
  • I bought cupcakes for my daughter's kindergarten class to celebrate her birthday, and I didn't swipe any for myself (we had extra and don't think I wasn't tempted).
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This is almost like giving himself a pat on the back. The parenthesis are an aside to the reader, letting them know that although he didn't actually eat the cupcake, he was still tempted and is still human and wrestling with his diet.
  • OK, maybe that's not exactly how our visits to the drive-thru have worked out. As I was saying, mostly this is a drama-free diet.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This snaps him back into reality. He is conversational with the readers and he is honest with them. Although he was initially skeptical about how this diet would work out, he is now realizing that although he isn't dropping tons and tons of weight, he isn't experiencing much drama. This offers hope to readers, and he is giving it to them in a way that isn't overly motivational. Some people become annoyed always hearing that they can do it, and that it'll be easy. This is motivation that seems to be coming from a friend. He is letting you know that he is trying it, and so far it isn't so bad.
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • I had several chances to destroy my new, healthier eating lifestyle, but somehow, I stuck to my plan.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      This is a funny, and more negative way of saying that he has stuck to his diet. He is clearly still doubting himself and waiting for the day that he caves, but he is also pleasantly surprised that he has still been able to diet. Rather than just saying he ate healthy this week, or he resisted temptation, he refers to fast food and junk food as chances to destroy his new lifestyle.
  • -Angus, I only met you several months before I began this diet. Angus, I hardly knew ye. -"Dad, would you stop kissing the menu?" -Angus, call me-- -"Dad!"
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      Geoff has personified the angus burger and has not only started dialogue with it but has started a relationship with the burger. This shows that food is more than just food to Geoff, and now that it has been taken away from him it is equivalent to losing a lover.
  • I also lost money by not going to the YMCA -- we have a membership, and I should be using it more -- but I didn't make it once this week. If I had, I might have finally dropped enough to get into the high 240s.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      The dashes are a way for Geoff to take a moment to explain why not using the YMCA gym lost money for him. This is him reflecting on what he could have done better, and realizing that it would have helped him lose weight and make the most of the money he is spending.
  • I used to spend almost $100 a month on snacks and generally unnecessary food -- and frankly, I'd rather not believe that.
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      The dash again is similar to the use of parenthesis. It is a bit of an aside to the reader. It isn't necessary to understand what he is saying, but it lets you know his feelings about what he is realizing, and the mental pause that people take when they see a dash adds to the voice created when he adds his opinion about what he has just realized.
  • he slightly less heavyset Geoff Williams
    • Nicole Tam
      Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
       
      I thought this was a cute and funny way to sign off on the blog post. It gives more character to the author, and also shows that the diet is working.
  • Nicole Tam on 04 Feb 10
     
    money diet week 4 progress
sunmeeholmes

Behind the Bleachers: Trifecta - 4 views

behindthebleachers.blogspot.com/...trifecta_09.html

shared by sunmeeholmes on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • freakish
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe a word with less negative associations would be more suitable?
  • Business is just one aspect of the complex sports world that has kept me so obsessed. I also feel that ethical issues in sports are very intriguing topics because ethics are constantly being challenged and violated - sometimes with little media attention, sometimes with too much.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe some way of combining these two sentences?
  • The steroid age will be over when you’re gone, Bud.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Nice... "steroid age" in quotations?
  • ...21 more annotations...
  • Although I enjoy a good demolition named after cheese as much as any other person
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Good aside.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      agreed, I like this sentence
  • He doesn’t always write about popular, media-friendly sports. He is not scared to go down all the way to the high school level. In his post titled
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Good rhythm.
  • does not
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      doesn't
  • am hopeful that I can emulate Mark’s professionalism in my blog.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Perhaps some more imagery in this post would be helpful?
  • wait…a college basketball player?! As Joe notes, it must have gone down like this:
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Very engaging diction.
  • Ah, doesn't everyone love a good Star Wars reference? Joe’s use of imagery here is outstanding.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great points.
  • Joe’s writing is great because he can
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Careful of the object in this sentence... you start talking about Joe's writing, not Joe himself. "Joe is a great writer because he can keep his voice..."
  • slam dunk home run knock out…you get the idea.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great ending. Enjoyed reading!
  • I want to talk about the impact of sports that stretches beyond the box score. Basically, I will dive into the magical world behind the bleachers – the one we usually don’t hear about.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      I think you can combine these sentences...it's using two analogies to say the same thing
  • To some, success isn’t measured in wins and losses. It’s all business, right?
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      These sentences are a good intro to your voice.
  • I researched the intricacies of the Collective Bargaining Agreements, and I was hooked.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Hmm...you researched this before the age of ten? Props if you did cuz it sounds complicated, but if not, you might want to clarify.
  • An example of the type of issues I hope to discuss
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Skip the "hope to discuss" and be more straightforward. Something like, "my blog will discuss..."
  • I will try my best to make sure that this blog
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Again, be more straightforward. When you write things like "I hope" or "I'll try my best" you're making promises you don't think you'll keep.
  • wish to discuss
  • I do not know if Technorati has filtered out inactive blogs
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Wait, what does this have to do with getting the amount of comments he deserves?
  • he presents topics from both the collegiate and professional level
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      "he also presents topics from the professional level"--collegiate twice is repetitive
  • The blogger, whose name is posted simply as “Mark”, is an attorney working in private practice. He spends most of his time dealing with sports related matters. Mark began work on this blog on January 11th 2005 and has posted about 3-4 times per week since then. His style involves using mostly short, but very information-heavy posts. Some of his posts are simply links to articles related to sports business that he found interesting, but didn’t have time to discuss.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Need some more of your voice in here! I know it's hard because you're listing info about the blogger...maybe you can mention information throughout the post, instead of writing it all down together.
  • Mark discusses the recent agreement that the city of Irving, Texas made with Kraft Foods.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      try to combine this with the next sentence to make it flow better
  • One thing that I really appreciate about this blog is that it does not try to be anything other than what it is. Mark knows that there probably isn’t an overwhelming population that is interested in sports business, but he sticks to his content.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      This is nice! It shows WHY you're interested in his blog.
  • Joe, a former writer for Sports Illustrated, updates his blog nearly every day and enjoys quite a large following.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Ooh, this is a much better way to write the technical info about a blogger...try this on your blogger profile post!
  • His use of all capital letters at the end of the quoted section also demonstrates the passion and aggression that this post was crafted with.
    • sunmeeholmes
      sunmeeholmes on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe add a transition? It feels like you just stuck this in at the end.
tommyalexander

Nike: Greek Goddess of Confiscating Tapes (annotated) - 0 views

joeposnanski.com/...-goddess-of-confiscating-tapes

voicex

shared by tommyalexander on 03 Feb 10 - Cached
  • So you probably know by now
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 03 Feb 10
       
      Immediately starts off with a conversational voice. By saying "you probably know by now", the reader knows that whatever he is talking about has been in the news. It makes the reader want to know what happened, if they don't already.
  • Crawford took the ball at James, they both jumped
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 03 Feb 10
       
      He starts off by describing an actual basketball play. This sets up the sarcasm and humor in the rest of the paragraph.
  • then another 360, then he took off one of his shoes and bonked James in the head with it, put the shoe back on, pulled out a shaving cream pie and shoved that in James face, took out a bottle of seltzer water and sprayed James, then he poked James in the eye Three Stooges style, then he came up with a quick hip hop song called “Be Gone Lebron,” then he pinched James’ cheek, beat James at thumb wrestling, gave James a wedgie and, finally, dunked the ball, two-handed, rattling the rim, while James cried like a child lost at the mall.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 03 Feb 10
       
      The rest of the paragraph is extremely exaggerated, obviously sarcastic remarks about what Jordan Crawford must have done in the air before dunking on Lebron. His sarcasm is related to the point of the article which is alluded to in the title. His description includes a combination of both actual basketball terms as well as just random references
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • NOBODY
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 03 Feb 10
       
      He continues his conversational voice by predicting what the reader is probably thinking. His use of all caps implies a voice inflection. You imagine the word "nobody" being said with a large amount of disbelief.
  • PHONES
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      Once again the use of all caps makes the reader imagine this word being said with disbelief. Also talking about cameras on phones gives the context of the writer's age. While cameras on phones are a relatively recent creation, young people don't tend to talk about cameras on phones with a sense of disbelief. This implies the writer has been around for some time
  • Well, no, there were people filming it
  • the Nike official called out his Nike storm troopers, who promptly ran around the place shooting lasers and confiscating any and all tapes of the offending dunk
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      Using a pop culture reference for humor. He could have just said "Nike sent some officials out to confiscate the tape". Instead he chose this way which is very rich in imagery.
  • Animal Farmish
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      Reference to the novel Animal Farm by Orwell. Conjures images of out of control governments and the loss of rights. Dystopia
  • — happiness, in this case, being our unalienable right to laugh at LeBron
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      Uses a dash to abruptly change the tone from serious to humorous.
  • loved that slogan
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      He chooses to use parentheses here instead of a dash because this thought is unrelated to his flow of words. Also, the pop culture reference to "Just Do It"
  • *It’s ZAY-vee-ur. Not ex-ZAY-vee-ur.
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      A funny aside. Once again he uses humor to make his voice stand out.
  • to comfort the comfortable, to afflict the afflicted, to keep someone as beloved as LeBron James off of YouTube. I mean, what?
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      Once again he is using sarcasm. Interesting word choice comfort->comfortable, afflict->afflicted
  • THE LeBron James
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      by using all caps in the word "the" the reader knows to say it as "thee" in their head
  • Personally, I think they should …
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      He closes of the post by basically making a list of all of Nike's misfortunes/failures from the last several years. Because it's always funny to laugh at the misfortunes of others...
  • confiscate his entire career as a basketball executive
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      ouch
  • Confiscate Matt Leinart
    • tommyalexander
      tommyalexander on 04 Feb 10
       
      HARSH!
Scott Prentice

The Weight of Reality - 0 views

weightofreality.blogspot.com

shared by Scott Prentice on 21 Apr 10 - Cached
  • They are taken out of their lives and given a chance to focus on losing weight and regaining their health, a luxury that most Americans cannot afford.
    • Scott Prentice
      Scott Prentice on 21 Apr 10
       
      good point
  • although I’ve been looking into whether or not weight loss TV shows can play a role in motivating people to lose weight, it might benefit me to see what else can inspire people
    • Scott Prentice
      Scott Prentice on 21 Apr 10
       
      Good spot to input your thoughts on motivating factors. It seemed like you were working up to this unknowingly from previous posts.
  • who doesn’t sweat
    • Scott Prentice
      Scott Prentice on 21 Apr 10
       
      hahah
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