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In The Outward Mindset, we write about this. There is a basic outward-mindset pattern that people can apply in organizations. The first of the three parts of the pattern is to see others. What we mean by that is to become curious and attentive to the needs, challenges, and objectives of those with whom one interacts and affects. When my mindset is outward, I'm going to be purposeful about building my awareness and understanding about other people. And if I'm a leader, I'm going to open up space and create opportunity within my organization so people are learning about each other's objectives, needs, and challenges.

The best reason to brand someone with a pejorative label is to push them away, to forestall useful conversation, to turn them into the other. Much more useful: Identify the behavior that's counter-productive. When we talk about the behavior, we have a chance to make change happen. What would happen if the behavior stopped? When we call someone misogynist or racist or sexist or a capitalist, a socialist or an abstract expressionist, what are we hoping for? Every one of us is on the 'ist' spectrum, so the label becomes meaningless. Meaningless labels are noise, noise that lasts. If that person stopped acting like a _____ist, what would change? Because if there's nothing we want to change, the labeling is useless. And if there's a change that needs to be made, let's talk about what it is.

But there really is a way to conflict-free collaboration in our individual work lives-that is to say, an environment where individuals feel free to vigorously debate and challenge ideas, rather than "go along to get along." We typically think our ability to work without conflict depends on how others treat us, but Arbinger's work suggests something different: our ability to cut through conflict depends on how we see others. The structure, the nature of real collaboration, is the same at home, at work, or in our communities. And it all begins with mindset.

A genuine dialogue process is one in which people have significantly reduced their propensity to carry hidden baggage. Groups composed of such people create both a shared meaning and a common purpose, and their attitude toward each other is one of mutual respect and service. They communicate clearly because they live clearly; without blame and self-protection, they have the simple desire to help one another in achieving their common goal. When that is their way of being toward each other, productive dialogue always follows.

We all imagine we're seeing the world accurately, says psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson. But usually, that's not correct. "There's this saying, 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,'" she says. "That's perfectly true. What we don't realize is that everything is actually in the eye of the beholder."

Great article! The key may be to stay out of the box using either approach. Lou was tough!

It is not surprising, but it is better to read it for what it is. Neither strategy was even marginally effective enough to work on its own merits. I have never met a purely tough leader, but have worked with plenty that overly default in that direction. Similarly, I have never met a purely nice leader, but have worked with plenty that overly default in that direction. It is a difficult balance to strike in leadership, and it is one that cannot be explained in an article.

^^^ Like

Nearly every moment of every day of our entire lives (more than 1.2 billion seconds for me) is spent worrying about ourselves. We are preoccupied by concern about ourselves: am I doing the right thing, will I mess this up, will I be able to meet deadline, what do other people think of me, am I good enough, why is this happening to me, how can I get better, why don't people listen to me, why don't they treat me better, why can't they get out of my way, why is my body so fat, why don't things go my way, am I missing out on things? But what if we were freed of this worry about ourselves?