The way people communicate is always an outgrowth of their deepest attitude, or way of being, toward each other. When people are essentially self-concerned-when they are defensive, resistant, or insecure in some way-their communication is haunted by thoughts and feelings that they don't share openly. They carry hidden "baggage" into the conversation-false assumptions, old grudges, veiled animosity, rumor-based information, automatic "labels," and so on-all of which subvert any real dialogue.
Years ago, Harvard's Chris Argyris began urging members of business groups to explicitly acknowledge such hidden baggage-to identify "the left-hand column," as he described it. By doing so, he said, people can discover the real meaning and substance behind what they are saying, they can examine it honestly, and they can discard whatever now seems faulty to them. Such honest self-examination creates an atmosphere of increased respect and openness and leads to much more effective communication.
Arbinger goes further: We help people discover why they are susceptible to believing false assumptions, holding grudges, veiling and nurturing animosity, reveling in rumor and gossip, generating automatic labels-and so on-in the first place.
To create the deepest and most lasting change, it is less important to know what our baggage is in a particular situation, than it is to know (1) why we carry any baggage at all and (2) how we can reduce the very tendency in ourselves to carry it. Arbinger helps people discover both answers for themselves. (These are answers that lead away from the desire to "fix" others, and instead empower people to improve themselves.)
A genuine dialogue process is one in which people have significantly reduced their propensity to carry hidden baggage. Groups composed of such people create both a shared meaning and a common purpose, and their attitude toward each other is one of mutual respect and service. They communicate clearly because they live clearly; without blame and self-protection, they have the simple desire to help one another in achieving their common goal. When that is their way of being toward each other, productive dialogue always follows.
In the very process of reducing their tendency to carry baggage, people also reduce their tendency to create conflict-to blame and undermine one another, to clash over people and resources, to withhold help, to spread rumors and gossip, and to compete for attention
Years ago, Harvard's Chris Argyris began urging members of business groups to explicitly acknowledge such hidden baggage-to identify "the left-hand column," as he described it. By doing so, he said, people can discover the real meaning and substance behind what they are saying, they can examine it honestly, and they can discard whatever now seems faulty to them. Such honest self-examination creates an atmosphere of increased respect and openness and leads to much more effective communication.
Arbinger goes further: We help people discover why they are susceptible to believing false assumptions, holding grudges, veiling and nurturing animosity, reveling in rumor and gossip, generating automatic labels-and so on-in the first place.
To create the deepest and most lasting change, it is less important to know what our baggage is in a particular situation, than it is to know (1) why we carry any baggage at all and (2) how we can reduce the very tendency in ourselves to carry it. Arbinger helps people discover both answers for themselves. (These are answers that lead away from the desire to "fix" others, and instead empower people to improve themselves.)
A genuine dialogue process is one in which people have significantly reduced their propensity to carry hidden baggage. Groups composed of such people create both a shared meaning and a common purpose, and their attitude toward each other is one of mutual respect and service. They communicate clearly because they live clearly; without blame and self-protection, they have the simple desire to help one another in achieving their common goal. When that is their way of being toward each other, productive dialogue always follows.
In the very process of reducing their tendency to carry baggage, people also reduce their tendency to create conflict-to blame and undermine one another, to clash over people and resources, to withhold help, to spread rumors and gossip, and to compete for attention