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cuttingedge -

How to Ask a question: - 13 views

That was a nice way to ask on a potentially sensitive topic. 1. "I want to be direct and ask ...." 2. Explained circumstances. 3. "You can just say yes or no" (pol...

niceWording

started by cuttingedge - on 04 Dec 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Self-discipline - 9 views

"The one quality which sets one man apart from another-the key which lifts one to every aspiration while' others are caught up in the mire of mediocrity-is not talent, formal education, nor intelle...

definition

started by cuttingedge - on 15 Nov 08 2 follow-ups, last by cuttingedge - on 30 Dec 08
cuttingedge -

Nice Wording - 6 views

Let's use the tag 'niceWording' in the forum when we post nice examples of skillfully worded communications.

niceWording

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Quotes and Snippets - 5 views

I took these from a pdf file and so can't highlight it here. Here are some snips from the article. www.firstchurchlb.org/Sermon/2008_06_22.pdf The Latin root of "manners" is "hand." Manners are th...

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Sticky Situations - 3 views

Let's use the tag 'stickySituation' in the forum when we post a sticky situation we have an want to discuss or give nice examples of we communicated well in them.

stickySituation

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Introducing ourselves - 3 views

Tell us a bit about your interest in conscious communications.

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Quote Buddha - 3 views

There is a story with many variations about the Buddha. A delegation of seekers came to Prince Gautama to learn from his wisdom. Deeply impressed, they asked him, "Are you a god?" "No," he repl...

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Considerate - 3 views

Showing concern for the rights and feelings of others. "friends considerate enough to leave us alone" Thoughtful of others. It was very considerate of you to give up your place for your friend. C...

definition

started by cuttingedge - on 15 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Empathy - 3 views

Empathy is the capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience t...

definition

started by cuttingedge - on 15 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." - Benjamin Franklin - 3 views

I love this quote! I just posted it on a business site and realized it's wisdom in many other areas... like conscious communications! How can we, as people that highly value relationsh...

prevention

started by cuttingedge - on 26 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Self-Assertion - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views

www.counsel.ufl.edu/...self_assertion.aspx

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09 - Cached
  • In order to achieve assertive communication, one needs a level of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-awareness. Self-confidence is projected, not performed. It has to radiate from within and does not rely on others.
  • Self-worth comes from believing that you are a worthwhile individual who deserves the best that life has to offer.
  • Self-awareness develops from personal monitoring. One learns of strengths and weaknesses by making internal assessments.
  • ...8 more annotations...
  • Self-assertion is a natural process for individuals who are confident and aware. In essence, you must have confidence within before you can demonstrate it in the midst of others.
  • Are you afraid of confrontation? What are you most concerned about – losing the person’s respect, physical altercations, etc.?
  • Confrontation may not feel comfortable, but it is healthy when done appropriately. It conveys the message, "I care enough to work this out". By working through the initial discomfort of a confrontation, you begin building skills, confidence, and self-awareness.
  • "I am most upset when you turn on your stereo while I am studying"
  • Attend to your body language. Pay attention to your tone of voice, physical appearance, facial expression, eye contact, and physical gestures as you speak.
    • cuttingedge -
      cuttingedge - on 02 Jan 09
       
      be sincere, be neutral and objective, and you won't have to worry about it.
  • Breathe deeply if you are nervous during a confrontation in order to restore control.
  • One’s clothes and accessories can paint a picture of credibility or the lack of it.
  • researchers suggest 7% of what we communicate is with words. 93% of what we communicate is non-verbal (e.g., tone of voice, facial and body language). Being in tune with your body’s message is equally important as the words you’d like to convey.
  • cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09
     
    Your own self worth(you deserve the best life has to offer) leads to self confidence. Confronting builds skills and self confidence. It also says "I care enough to work this out". Being honest with ones weaknesses and strengths and complex self is good. 93% of comm is body language and tones... be sure they represent your true feelings.
cuttingedge -

Dealing with Anger - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views

www.counsel.ufl.edu/...dealing_with_anger.aspx

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09 - Cached
  • sidestepping the issue, keeping the anger inside, instead of being direct with a person. Sandbagging results in being indirect and sarcastic. Many people fear hurting someone else’s feelings if they share angry feelings
  • could lead to punitive kinds of behavior or resentment, directly or indirectly
  • People that you are involved with, a boyfriend of girlfriend or a spouse, know when you are angry. There are ways that you show it indirectly. And when you don’t express that anger directly to them, usually they resent it, and the frustration can cause people to withdraw from each other.
  • ...7 more annotations...
  • When you have angry feelings ,you have to decide if this is the right time and the right place to express these feelings
  • Expressing anger is a lot easier if we trust someone. On the other hand, level of trust is not imperative.
  • the most important thing is to trust yourself. Trust your feelings and let your feelings out.
  • Give yourself time, take a few moments, locate the source.
  • choose the right time and the right place to express that anger.
  • tell them your anger in the most simple, direct way you can think of. And always remember that you have the responsibility to express your anger. The other person may not respond the way you want them to--they may not be willing to hear it-- but the important thing is that is their responsibility.
  • You only have the responsibility to tell them and that’s about it.
  • cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09
     
    be direct and simple as possible. Your responsibility is to let them know. This creates congruence. You are not responsible for their reaction. Expressing it prevents resentment on their part and withdrawl (bc they know you are angry and not discussing it)
cuttingedge -

Becoming Open to Others - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views

www.counsel.ufl.edu/...becoming_open_to_others.aspx

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09 - Cached
  • We know it feels good to share with others. It’s really a nice feeling to get things off our chest, to get them out in the open.
  • If feels good to talk to somebody about things we’re concerned about. It’s good to be able to trust somebody.
  • the inner person, that is you, is communicated to others might be one way of being open
  • ...16 more annotations...
  • Being open is a kind of invitation to others. What you share about yourself should encourage others to come in, so to speak and make contact with you. To involve themselves with you.
  • Being open is difficult. It makes us feel vulnerable, psychologically naked and usually anxious. But it also is important in terms of really letting others get to understand how we think, how we feel and what we believe. We often hide our inner thoughts and feelings because we’re concerned how well excepted they’ll be by other people. But we also shut out other people from knowing and accepting us by not being open.
  • We also are really saying we don’t fully accept ourselves if we won’t be open with others. We’re denying ourselves that chance to speak out, to declare our inner thoughts and feelings.
  • it might be more honest and open for me at that time when I’m right there with that person to share my resentment openly. And that way the situation and my feelings can be changed.
  • Telling someone that you’re bored is risky, but it takes courage to say, "I’m bored, why don’t we do such and such?", or "let’s change topics."
  • declaring your boredom or resentments also means I’m responsible for suggesting alternatives to change my mood.
  • being completely open with everyone in every situation may be very inappropriate. You may want to be more open with your spouse or close friends, but not with your boss or people you don’t know as well. You may choose not to be open with people you don’t fully trust, because to be open is to share vulnerable information about yourself. And if you don’t fully trust how someone else will use that information about you, you may choose not to share it.
  • Openness is making your outer world as similar to your inner world as possible. When you’re feeling jealous, happy, anxious or sad why not share with other people what you’re really feeling, that is jealous, happy, anxious or sad. We call this being congruent. That is letting what shows, your expression, frown, words represent what you actually feel and think. That takes hard work and a lot of honesty. A caution about being open is that sometimes we can be too open. In the name of being open we say everything we feel or think to others. But fail to be sensitive to others feelings about our openness.
  • By being sensitive to others you’ll avoid making three common errors. You will not share your feelings or thoughts too quickly and thereby push your listener away. You will not bore your audience and you will not have someone listen to you too long, without giving them hints about the kind of listener you want them to be.
  • focus on feelings. It’s usually easier to share opinions or thoughts about something. Everybody has an opinion. It’s harder to share feelings. Be in touch with how you feel. Share openly the feelings as much as you can.
  • Some feelings cover or come from other feelings. Anger may come from hurt. We might find it easier to show the anger. However, if we work really hard and try to understand the hurt, if we share the hurt and are open about the hurt we are actually being more open at a deeper level.
  • try to change your questions into statements. We sometimes have an attitude or feeling about something and we’re afraid to share it, we’re afraid to be open. Instead we ask a question. We might say for instance, "do you love me?", when instead we want to say I love you. Change your questions into statements you can make about yourself.
  • try to make your communication in the first person. Begin with sentences with I instead of you. You might say, " I feel happy that you’re here,"
  • Begin your sentences as often as possible with I
  • try not to say, "I don’t know." This generally means I don’t want to think about it anymore.
  • the extent to which others are open with you will depend on how open you are with them. Many people find that most of the relationships that they're involved in become much more important to them the more they to be more open in them. When we stay open to learning, new experiences open up for us. Perhaps the same can happen for you.
  • cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09
     
    knowing we are complex and worthwhile as a whole package. Being vulnerable invites participation in our lives, feels good, and brings us closer. If we accept our complex selves we can be unafraid to share it. Share resentment openly right then. Share "I'm bored" openly... but also means you are responsible to suggest alternatives to change your mood. Share openly feelings as much as you can. Congruence - letting what shows(your expression, frown, words) represent what you actually feel and think. State what you are feeling(jealous, happy, sad). Anger can mask hurt. Then state "I feel hurt". "I love you". "I'm glad you're here"
cuttingedge -

Saying No: The Basics : How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty - 0 views

www.enotalone.com/...6080.html

communications niceWording

shared by cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09 - Cached
  • The object is to hear yourself saying no successfully. Little by little, stretch yourself by saying no in more challenging circumstances.
  • Most likely, you will settle on a few different phrases that work for you and that can be applied to the situations you face most often. The more you use them, the more comfortable you'll become with them. Over time, you will utter them with confidence and ease.
  • saying no without guilt is much easier for all concerned when it's done in the context of generosity. This means being helpful and available to family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors whenever you possibly can — in other words, when it won't cause significant stress or inconvenience and when you can say yes without resentment.
  • ...17 more annotations...
  • Just as important, give yourself a little credit for being a generous person. Recognizing the many things you do for others with a willing spirit, you'll feel more confident and less guilty at times when you really do want to say no to them.
  • basic principle of saying no: Less is more. The most powerful and effective "no's" are the least complicated
  • we feel obliged to justify our "no" with a detailed explanation
  • elaborating is seldom necessary, and it leaves you on shaky ground. The more specific information you supply, the more likely the other person will be to: a) try to figure out a way to "solve the problem" so that you can actually do the thing he wants you to do (which, of course, you don't want to do), b) decide that your reason for saying no isn't good enough and be miffed about it
  • make a statement like "I'm sorry, I won't be able to" or "I'm afraid I'm busy that day," you sound clear and decisive.
  • If the other person insists on knowing why, the burden of prying will be on him. When that happens, don't fall into the trap of trying to come up with new, more creative excuses to satisfy someone who can't take no for an answer. Instead, repeat yourself as often as necessary.
  • emphasize different words, change the language around a bit, or offer some other vague comment. "I'm busy that day" can also be expressed as "I've got plans," "I have a previous engagement," "I've got an appointment I can't break," or "I've had something on my calendar for weeks." Hold your ground in the face of a rude, nosy, or aggressive person. No one has the right to force you to violate your own privacy.
  • "no" can be one of the most positive words in your vocabulary. Whether you crave more family time, more time for yourself, or more time to pursue a dream, saying no frees up room for the "yeses" in your life.
  • Sometimes I just want to stay home and do nothing. But that doesn't seem like a good enough reason. Unless I have something else on the calendar, I feel obligated to say yes.
  • To build up your courage for those really difficult "no's," start small. Practice
  • 1. Buying Time If you do nothing else suggested in this book, acquire the habit of buying time before responding to requests. It takes the pressure off when you can't figure out how to say no diplomatically or simply need more time to decide.
  • "time-buying" responses will cover you in just about every situation. For example: I need to check my calendar; I'll get back to you. Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if we're free that day. I've got to think about that; I'll let you know. I've got to take a look at my cash flow. I need to find out if I have to work first.
  • 2. "The Policy" We love to say no with the phrase "I have a policy." For example, suppose a friend asks for a loan you don't want to extend. Utter the phrase Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money, and your refusal immediately sounds less personal.
  • In all kinds of situations, invoking a policy adds weight and seriousness when you need to say no. It implies that you've given the matter considerable thought on a previous occasion and learned from experience that what the person is requesting is unwise. It can also convey that you've got a prior commitment you can't break
  • "Sorry, I can't come — it's our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night," it lets the other person know that your family ritual is carved in stone.
  • Of course, when searching for your response, it helps to have a policy. Which brings us to an important point: Saying no comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for. Why are you saying no? As you learn to eliminate unwanted obligations from your life, what are you making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities and focus on what you want more of — for example, time with the family, money for an important project or cause — you feel more justified saying no in order to pursue those goals.
  • Tell your best friend you don't want to go to her choice of restaurant, and suggest another. Tell your husband you don't want to go to the hardware store with him. Tell your son he can't have more dessert
  • cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09
     
    practice 'no' with small things."don't want to go to that restaurant and suggest another". Remember how generous you are. Always be generous helpful to ppl whenever you can...but when it won't cause feeling stressed,inconvenienced, and resentful. Keep 'no' short. "I'm busy that day", "I've got plans," repeat if they violate your privacy. 1. Buy Time = # I need to check my calendar; I'll get back to you. # Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if we're free that day. # I've got to think about that; I'll let you know. # I've got to take a look at my cash flow. # I need to find out if I have to work first 2. I have a Policy - decide your policy's then. "Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money," "Sorry, I can't come - it's our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night,"
cuttingedge -

BBC - Relationships - Couples - Productive arguing - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_productive.shtml

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • 2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.
cuttingedge -

4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted - 0 views

us.deskdemon.com/...saynotogranted

communications niceWording

shared by cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09 - Cached
  • No matter how wonderful you are sometimes other people will try to take advantage of your good nature. They will push you, get you to do more than your fair share and keep asking you to do even more.
  • often your efforts will be taken for granted. Unless you can say No, the situation will not change in fact it may get even more difficult.
  • unless you can say No to these unreasonable people because very often to win respect from people you have to sometimes say No.
  • ...11 more annotations...
  • soften the No by postponing your help. For example -- - No, I am busy right now but I can help you in 40 minutes time - No, I have other things to do at the moment - Right now I do not have a free moment maybe later on - I would love to help but not at this minute, try John
  • This is a lot easier to do especially when dealing with people who intimidate you.
  • 2 Negotiate To deal with people who want your help but are slow to help you -- negotiate!
  • Say you are happy to help on one condition -- that they help you immediately
  • They will usually agree because they have to! If they say No, again as above, postpone helping them if you can.
  • There are some people who view the world in terms of what is in it for them and the concerns of others are of secondary importance. With these people you are wasting your time talking about your needs. For that reason you have to link your needs to their gains by negotiating - tell them they will get what they want IF you get what you want.
  • to say No for the first time use every opportunity to get some practice e.g. - In a restaurant, say no to the first table you are offered - at home say No to coffee when everyone else says Yes, have tea - In a store say yes to an offer of help but No to the product
  • when you are dealing with people whose approval is not that important to you. You will quickly learn through experience that it is not the end of the world if you say no and the other person is not pleased with you.
  • 4 Say No to the Big Request and Yes to a Smaller One Sometimes you are going to be asked to do more than your fair share. If you cannot avoid the job you may need to consider doing part of it.
  • offer to do part of the job but not all of it. For example: - I will clean 2 rooms if you do the other 3 rooms - I can do 5 pages of the report as long as you give me the data - If you start the project I will finish it
  • winning back control of your interactions with anyone who pushes you too far.
cuttingedge -

University of Florida Counseling Center - How to Say No - 0 views

www.counsel.ufl.edu/...how_to_say_no.aspx

communications niceWording

shared by cuttingedge - on 01 Jan 09 - Cached
  • The first thing to do is to identify the emotional hooks or beliefs that are getting in your way. For example, if a friend wants to borrow your favorite records to take to a party, what are the negative consequences you anticipate if you say no? Are you afraid he or she will never speak to you again? If you say no to an employer, do you fear being fired from your job? If you say no to a professor, do you anticipate getting a bad grade in the course?
  • the next step is the restate them more realistically. For example, you might tell yourself if I say no, my friend will be disappointed not to be able to borrow my records, but our friendship is not contingent on this. He or she will likely respect me more for having said no clearly.
  • My employer may not be happy about my not staying overtime, but it is reasonable to refuse when it is inconvenient for me. If I agree to do something I don’t want to do I will probably feel dissatisfied with myself. I may also feel angry and resentful at the other person.
  • ...11 more annotations...
  • After you have restated your beliefs more rationally so that you feel ready to say no and feel good about doing so, the next step is to say it directly to the person, with a sense of assertiveness in your voice and manner. Make sure the non-verbal message is the same as your words. Are you making eye contact? Is your tone non-apologetic?
  • To make it easier, begin by saying no in some low risk situations where you’re perfectly assured of your right to say no and with this practice you’ll build up confidence in yourself and an ability to say no in more difficult situations, appearing confident at times when you may be feeling uncertain of yourself inside.
  • Rehearse saying no in a clear and direct way. Be aware of your entire manner and tone of voice when you do so.
  • If your have said no, but someone persists, like a broken record, not listening to your first no, you may need to persist in saying no. Are you simply the kind of person who gives in? Or do you tend to get angry? You may need to get their attention by touching them and saying - you seem to be invested in getting me to agree, but I’ve said no and I really mean it.
  • In more difficult situations when you are unsure of what you want to say or how you want to say it, try giving yourself time, by telling the other person - can I think about it? Then sort out what you feel and what your irrational beliefs and expectations are to your saying no.
  • it is important to realize that there is healthy selfish behavior. You have a right to say no and feel good about it. As you attend to your own feelings and needs you will have a lot more willingness to say yes at other times.
  • You might inquire about assertive groups that are offered on your campus or in your community.
  • When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Tenserheim Your Perfect Right by Alberti and Emmons
  • may feel guilty about saying no since you have been taught to go out of your way to avoid hurting people’s feelings. So you end up feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings as if their happiness depends on your agreeing. This takes away their right to be responsible for their own feelings.
  • You might feel you are a bad person if you refuse - selfish and self-centered. You have been taught the virtue of self-sacrifice and self-denial. So you end up being more concerned and more considerate of others than you are of yourself.
  • You might fear the loss of the relationship or be afraid of damaging the relationship in some way. So you end up treating the relationship as fragile and dependent on your constant compliance.
cuttingedge -

BBC - Guidelines for exercises - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...guidelines_index.shtml

communications niceWording

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • you think they may be hurt or angry at the suggestion, follow these tips:Make sure your partner is relaxed and in a good mood.
  • Make sure it's a suggestion. Avoid using words such as "should", "ought" and "must". Instead, try "I was wondering..." or "Perhaps we..."
  • Talk about how you feel the exercise will help you. Leave your partner to decide if they think it will also help them.Ask them to think about it. Don't expect an immediate answer.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • If they say no, try again a few days later, restating that they'd be helping you if they changed their mind.If they still insist they don't want to, drop it and investigate alternative ways of addressing the issue.
  • Agree why you think doing this exercise is a good idea and decide on a time and place to complete it. Agree to use the tips in Productive arguing if you find yourself in conflict. Think about what you'll do afterwards if the exercise raises difficult emotions.
  • Doing the exerciseMake sure you're relaxed. Postpone if you're feeling stressed, tired or ill.
  • When you've finishedTake some time to relax and think about what you've discovered before taking any action. If it has raised difficult emotions: Be kind to yourself - take some time to relax and, if you want, reward yourself with a special treat. Get grounded by focusing on your breathing, remembering all the things you do when you're not in a relationship - something that will help you to think about something else for a while.
cuttingedge -

Personal Relationships: How to Argue Productively - 0 views

lifehacker.com/...-argue-productively-318330.php

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • think on your feet, not get riled up during conflict, and communicate your position clearly, are all key attributes both with your friends, and on the job.
cuttingedge -

BBC - What are you really arguing about? - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_arguingabout.shtml

communications bbc

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Unresolved issuesSometimes people find they're fighting battles that have far more to do with the past than the present. Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create hot buttons that partners press without realising.
  • For example, a partner who's parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip.
  • a partner who was always forced to do gardening as a punishment when a child may become irrationally angry when asked to mow the lawn.
  • ...7 more annotations...
  • Sensitive subjectsIf there are taboo subjects in your relationship that always cause a storm, you need to mention them more often. If you don't, they can become time bombs.Taboo subjects can include things such as a forgotten birthday or a time when you felt your partner wasn't there for you. Often it's something that represents a serious breach of trust such as an affair or a breaking of confidence. Burying old relationship problems is OK, but you have to make sure they're dead first.
  • Fighting for your deeper needsCouples often use topics such as money, sex or housework to fight for their deeper needs within a relationship.
  • an argument over who should pay for what may really be about where the responsibility lies and who's got the power in this situation.
  • Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth.
  • Hidden pay-offs
  • Arguing can be worth the pain because of the joy of making up.
  • Just remember: beneath the surface of an argument often lurks a much deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and you'll keep on arguing until you do.
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