Whatever the situation, one must still make that opening line, the "hello" and following sentence
Contents contributed and discussions participated by cuttingedge -
Friendship Building - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views
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Often the opener is most helpful and effective when it is directed at something common in the situation the two of you are in.
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like an insignia on their clothes or the fact that you are both interested in the same club.
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Self-Assertion - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views
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In order to achieve assertive communication, one needs a level of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-awareness. Self-confidence is projected, not performed. It has to radiate from within and does not rely on others.
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Self-worth comes from believing that you are a worthwhile individual who deserves the best that life has to offer.
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Self-awareness develops from personal monitoring. One learns of strengths and weaknesses by making internal assessments.
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Your own self worth(you deserve the best life has to offer) leads to self confidence. Confronting builds skills and self confidence. It also says "I care enough to work this out". Being honest with ones weaknesses and strengths and complex self is good. 93% of comm is body language and tones... be sure they represent your true feelings.
Dealing with Anger - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views
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sidestepping the issue, keeping the anger inside, instead of being direct with a person. Sandbagging results in being indirect and sarcastic. Many people fear hurting someone else’s feelings if they share angry feelings
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could lead to punitive kinds of behavior or resentment, directly or indirectly
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People that you are involved with, a boyfriend of girlfriend or a spouse, know when you are angry. There are ways that you show it indirectly. And when you don’t express that anger directly to them, usually they resent it, and the frustration can cause people to withdraw from each other.
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Becoming Open to Others - University of Florida Counseling Center - 0 views
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We know it feels good to share with others. It’s really a nice feeling to get things off our chest, to get them out in the open.
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If feels good to talk to somebody about things we’re concerned about. It’s good to be able to trust somebody.
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the inner person, that is you, is communicated to others might be one way of being open
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knowing we are complex and worthwhile as a whole package. Being vulnerable invites participation in our lives, feels good, and brings us closer. If we accept our complex selves we can be unafraid to share it. Share resentment openly right then. Share "I'm bored" openly... but also means you are responsible to suggest alternatives to change your mood. Share openly feelings as much as you can. Congruence - letting what shows(your expression, frown, words) represent what you actually feel and think. State what you are feeling(jealous, happy, sad). Anger can mask hurt. Then state "I feel hurt". "I love you". "I'm glad you're here"
Saying No: The Basics : How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty - 0 views
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The object is to hear yourself saying no successfully. Little by little, stretch yourself by saying no in more challenging circumstances.
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Most likely, you will settle on a few different phrases that work for you and that can be applied to the situations you face most often. The more you use them, the more comfortable you'll become with them. Over time, you will utter them with confidence and ease.
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saying no without guilt is much easier for all concerned when it's done in the context of generosity. This means being helpful and available to family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors whenever you possibly can — in other words, when it won't cause significant stress or inconvenience and when you can say yes without resentment.
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practice 'no' with small things."don't want to go to that restaurant and suggest another". Remember how generous you are. Always be generous helpful to ppl whenever you can...but when it won't cause feeling stressed,inconvenienced, and resentful. Keep 'no' short. "I'm busy that day", "I've got plans," repeat if they violate your privacy. 1. Buy Time = # I need to check my calendar; I'll get back to you. # Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if we're free that day. # I've got to think about that; I'll let you know. # I've got to take a look at my cash flow. # I need to find out if I have to work first 2. I have a Policy - decide your policy's then. "Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money," "Sorry, I can't come - it's our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night,"
4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted - 0 views
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No matter how wonderful you are sometimes other people will try to take advantage of your good nature. They will push you, get you to do more than your fair share and keep asking you to do even more.
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often your efforts will be taken for granted. Unless you can say No, the situation will not change in fact it may get even more difficult.
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unless you can say No to these unreasonable people because very often to win respect from people you have to sometimes say No.
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University of Florida Counseling Center - How to Say No - 0 views
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The first thing to do is to identify the emotional hooks or beliefs that are getting in your way. For example, if a friend wants to borrow your favorite records to take to a party, what are the negative consequences you anticipate if you say no? Are you afraid he or she will never speak to you again? If you say no to an employer, do you fear being fired from your job? If you say no to a professor, do you anticipate getting a bad grade in the course?
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the next step is the restate them more realistically. For example, you might tell yourself if I say no, my friend will be disappointed not to be able to borrow my records, but our friendship is not contingent on this. He or she will likely respect me more for having said no clearly.
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My employer may not be happy about my not staying overtime, but it is reasonable to refuse when it is inconvenient for me. If I agree to do something I don’t want to do I will probably feel dissatisfied with myself. I may also feel angry and resentful at the other person.
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Learn How to Say No and Be Respected - 0 views
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someone asking for a favor that requires a type of resource from you such as money or time. This situation is non-threatening and often gets you to carry out the task because of your guilt, passiveness, or inability to take a stance.
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The second common scenario where it is extremely helpful to say no is in a more threatening situation than the first type of scenarios. It involves your unwillingness and reluctancy to carry out the action that is requested of you.
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This common scenario is about being coerced into doing something against your will.
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How to Say No Respectfully - wikiHow - 0 views
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Preface your 'NO' by saying 'I understand what you are saying' before refusing - it helps if people feel empathy
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If you feel you are at risk of physical harm, alert a third party as quickly as possible
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"This weekend isn't a good time for us to have stay-over guests." If they press, say, "We have a lot of shopping and cleaning to do to prepare for this next week, and we won't do it if we have company." Hopefully, that will end the discussion. And frankly, that's probably the truth, isn't it?
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How To Say No - 0 views
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When You Have to Say Yes Sometimes, saying no is simply unavoidable. Here are some techniques to use: Tell the person you can agree to their request this time, but ask how the two of you might plan better for the next time. Tell them yes, but remind them they owe you one. For example, they might cover you for a shift next time you need time off. Tell them yes, but take control by saying you'll come back to them with a timetable. For instance, say, "I expect I'll be able to do that for you by the end of the week." Put a tough condition on your agreement. "If it would only take an hour, I'd be able to help, but I can't give you more than that."
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Stick to your plan. If you have a written set of goals and strategies, this gives you a reason to stick to your course. ("Thanks, but I already have an investment plan, so you don't need to send me a newsletter about stocks.")
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When someone persists, repeat your position, perhaps in a slightly different way. ("As I already said, our policy is to donate to charities that help children only.")
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» Training Attention and Emotional Self-Regulation - Interview with Michael P... - 0 views
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emphasize that we human beings can regulate our thoughts, emotions, and actions to a greater degree than other primates. For example, we can choose to pass up an immediate reward for a larger, delayed reward.
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We can plan ahead, resist distractions, be goal-oriented. These human characteristics appear to depend upon what we often call "self-regulation."
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All parents have seen this in their kids. Parents can see the remarkable transformation as their children develop the ability to regulate emotions and to persist with goals in the face of distractions. That ability is usually labeled ‘‘self-regulation.’’
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Scientific studies using neuroimaging of the brain that prove that 'effortful control' and 'self-regulation' (self discipline) is trainable and how the brain areas of self-regulation physically improve with training. A big part of this is due to the person's ability to stay focused and keep their attention on a task or goal. They use mindful meditation and attention exercises. see free download.
How to Ask a question: - 13 views
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That was a nice way to ask on a potentially sensitive topic.
1. "I want to be direct and ask ...."
2. Explained circumstances.
3. "You can just say yes or no" (polite and empathy)
4. A gift or some positive news you think they'll like.
What went through my mind:
1. Because you put it so well and it felt you were sincere when you said 'you can just say yes or no' and meant it.... I felt more open. I felt to say yes. Nice communications!
2. You were sensitive and put yourself in my shoes, behind my eyes -- "How can he possibly say 'No' without looking like a jerk.".
On a touchy situation you can.
1. Be even a bit more
My concern was...
The reason she wanted to stay didn't sound like much of an emergency or really a 'must'. It sounded like a luxury. IF it really is an unusual important situation then:
"I know this may not sound necessary but it is truly an unusual situation because..."
If it isn't really a luxury then maybe say ...
"I know this really may be a luxury but can ..., it isn't going to be starting a pattern or anything I assure you. "
2. Assure this isn't starting a pattern:
My concern was...
Is this going to be a pattern that will turn into happening all the time?
Am I going to have to face saying 'yes' or 'no' again next Wednesday too?
The girl already stayed over one night in an 'emergency' because she had a 1 1/2 hour bus ride at midnight. Why didn't she plan ahead? Now she has another 'unusual' situation only a week later?
3. Make it even easier for a person to say NO (even though they might want to, some people feel it's almost impossible and uncomfortable to say NO when asked for something)
Ideas: You could maybe say "if I don't hear from you by 8:00 I'll just assume that I missed you or that you didn't quite feel comfortable with it THIS TIME".
a) You make it as easy as possible so they don't even have to say NO or talk to you on the phone.
b) When you say 'this time' they feel like you aren't judging them forever to be a 'stingy' person that doesn't help people.
Anyway, well done, you made nice communications!
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." - Benjamin Franklin - 3 views
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I love this quote! I just posted it on a business site and realized it's wisdom in many
other areas... like conscious communications!
How can we, as people that highly value relationships, help to ensure long term success?
I think it's a great idea to head off problems before they happen.
How? Let's brainstorm together... I'll start with a few ideas to discuss.
1. List with your friend every possible thing that you can see that could be a possible problem...
then list potential solutions. (you can even list them in this forum so others can help with ideas)
It's far better to have pre-planned policies IN WRITING that you both agree to follow when emotions interfere and rational thought becomes hard to make clear.
2. Agree with your friend(s) that you will spend one hour per week 'airing out' even the tiniest things that may fester into bigger things. Remember that if there is a conflict then it is mutual regardless of whose fault it is.
3. The reason why courts of law favor things documented or in writing over 'memory':
Misconception of the facts compared to what you 'think' they are. It's proven that the human mind restructures memories (generally to it's advantage ) and can't tell the difference between the reality and the restructured memory of the reality. All that you have to do to prove this to yourself is to first write down everything that you think you spend the most time on each day and then actually track what you really spend time on each day. It's inevitably enlightening, you'll be surprised at the results!
One friend may say "I do the dishes all of the time" and the other may say "you're being picky, you do not". Solution: write it down and track it to enlighten both people. It just takes a second to jot things down.
How To Deal With Inconsiderate People | Lifescript.com - 0 views
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Inconsiderate friends can be a big problem if they are people who you really enjoy spending time with otherwise.
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The first step in resolving the issue of inconsiderate friends may be to determine whether the person knows that she is exhibiting inconsiderate behavior
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explaining to your friend that her behavior hurts your feelings by making your meeting together appear unimportant
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Empathy - 3 views
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Empathy is the capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself. Empathy does not necessarily imply compassion, because this capacity can be present in context of compassionate or cruel behavior.
Considerate - 3 views
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Showing concern for the rights and feelings of others. "friends considerate enough to leave us alone"
Thoughtful of others. It was very considerate of you to give up your place for your friend.
Characterized by careful thought; deliberate.
Inconsiderate - thoughtless. Lack of due thought or care; careless... inattentive. Mentally sluggish
Self-discipline - 9 views
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Self discipline - "The act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses. The trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior"
In its most general sense, discipline refers to systematic instruction given to a disciple. This sense also preserves the origin of the word, which is Latin disciplina "instruction", from the root discere "to learn," and from which discipulus "disciple, pupil" also derives.[1]
To discipline thus means to instruct a person or animal to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order."
Self-discipline refers to the training that one gives one's self to accomplish a certain task or to adopt a particular pattern of behaviour, even though one would really rather be doing something else.
Self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be a synonym of 'self control '.
Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation , when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one's desires. -
"Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit."
Vince Lombardi
The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
Vince Lombardi
"To achieve success, whatever the job we have, we must pay a price."
"Success is like anything worthwhile. It has a price. You have to pay the price to win and you have to pay the price to get to the point where success is possible. Most important, you must pay the price to stay there."
"Mental toughness is essential to success."
"There's only one way to succeed in anything, and that is to give it everything. I do, and I demand that my players do."
What it Takes....
"Winning is not a sometime thing; it's an all time thing. You don't win once in a while; you don't do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. I have finished second twice in my time at Green Bay, and I don't ever want to finish second again. There is a second place bowl game, but it is a game for losers played by losers. It is and always has been an American zeal to be first in anything we do, and to win, and to win, and to win. Every time a football player goes to ply his trade he's got to play from the ground up - from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That's O.K. you've got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you're lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he's never going to come off the field second. Running a football team is no different than running any other kind of organization - an army, a political party or a business. The principles are the same. The object is to win - to beat the other guy. Maybe that sounds hard or cruel. I don't think it is.
It is a reality of life that men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men. That's why they are there - to compete. To know the rules and objectives when they get in the game. The object is to win fairly, squarely, "by the rules - but to win.
And in truth. I've never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn't appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.
I don't say these things because I believe in the "brute" nature of man or that men must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in God, and I believe in human decency.
But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour - his greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear - is that moment when he has to work his heart out in a good cause and he's exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.
-Vince Lombardi
cuttingedge wrote:
> Self discipline - "The act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses. The trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior"
>
> In its most general sense, discipline refers to systematic instruction given to a disciple. This sense also preserves the origin of the word, which is Latin disciplina "instruction", from the root discere "to learn," and from which discipulus "disciple, pupil" also derives.[1]
>
> To discipline thus means to instruct a person or animal to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order."
>
> Self-discipline refers to the training that one gives one's self to accomplish a certain task or to adopt a particular pattern of behaviour, even though one would really rather be doing something else. For example, denying oneself of an extravagant pleasure in order to accomplish a more demanding charitable deed. Thus, self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be a synonym of 'self control '. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation , when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one's desires. -
"The one quality which sets one man apart from another-the key which lifts one to every aspiration while' others are caught up in the mire of mediocrity-is not talent, formal
education, nor intellectual brightness
-it is self-discipline.
With self-discipline all things are
possible. Without it, even the
simplest goal can seem like the
impossible dream."
--Theodore Roosevelt
cuttingedge wrote:
> "Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit."
> Vince Lombardi
>
>
> The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
> Vince Lombardi
>
> "To achieve success, whatever the job we have, we must pay a price."
>
> "Success is like anything worthwhile. It has a price. You have to pay the price to win and you have to pay the price to get to the point where success is possible. Most important, you must pay the price to stay there."
>
> "Mental toughness is essential to success."
>
> "There's only one way to succeed in anything, and that is to give it everything. I do, and I demand that my players do."
>
> What it Takes....
> "Winning is not a sometime thing; it's an all time thing. You don't win once in a while; you don't do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. I have finished second twice in my time at Green Bay, and I don't ever want to finish second again. There is a second place bowl game, but it is a game for losers played by losers. It is and always has been an American zeal to be first in anything we do, and to win, and to win, and to win. Every time a football player goes to ply his trade he's got to play from the ground up - from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That's O.K. you've got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you're lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he's never going to come off the field second. Running a football team is no different than running any other kind of organization - an army, a political party or a business. The principles are the same. The object is to win - to beat the other guy. Maybe that sounds hard or cruel. I don't think it is.
>
>
> It is a reality of life that men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men. That's why they are there - to compete. To know the rules and objectives when they get in the game. The object is to win fairly, squarely, "by the rules - but to win.
>
>
> And in truth. I've never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn't appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.
>
>
> I don't say these things because I believe in the "brute" nature of man or that men must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in God, and I believe in human decency.
>
> But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour - his greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear - is that moment when he has to work his heart out in a good cause and he's exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.
>
> -Vince Lombardi
>
>
>
> cuttingedge wrote:
> > Self discipline - "The act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses. The trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior"
> >
> > In its most general sense, discipline refers to systematic instruction given to a disciple. This sense also preserves the origin of the word, which is Latin disciplina "instruction", from the root discere "to learn," and from which discipulus "disciple, pupil" also derives.[1]
> >
> > To discipline thus means to instruct a person or animal to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order."
> >
> > Self-discipline refers to the training that one gives one's self to accomplish a certain task or to adopt a particular pattern of behaviour, even though one would really rather be doing something else. For example, denying oneself of an extravagant pleasure in order to accomplish a more demanding charitable deed. Thus, self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be a synonym of 'self control '. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation , when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one's desires.
Quotes and Snippets - 5 views
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I took these from a pdf file and so can't highlight it here. Here are some snips from the article.
www.firstchurchlb.org/Sermon/2008_06_22.pdf
The Latin root of "manners" is "hand." Manners are the way something is done
or handled.
self‐centered behavior is all about us: "I don't have to wait in the
lines of cars to get into Dodger Stadium…I can throw my trash all over the street if I
want to…I can talk on my cell phone whenever and however I want." But Forni says,
"The more we focus on our selves and self‐gratification, the less moral energy we have
available to spend on others and the less attuned we are to others' well‐being."
"Life is relational. Life is what our relationships make it. Good relationships
make our life good; bad relationships make our lives bad. We exist and we perceive our
identity only in relation to others."
"Being civil means
being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint, respect and consideration into
the very fabric of this awareness." To be kind, we need to begin with an interest in the
well‐being of others, transcending our tendency toward selfishness.
There is a story with many variations about the Buddha. A delegation of seekers
came to Prince Gautama to learn from his wisdom. Deeply impressed, they asked him,
"Are you a god?" "No," he replied. "Are you saint?" Again, "no." "Are you a prophet?"
"No." "Well, who are you?" To which the Buddha replied, "I am awake."
To be awake is to be aware of the needs of others. ... too caught up in their
own needs and desires to be aware of the needs of those around them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Good manners must be inspired by a good heart.
There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy
and not pain around us."
Henry James, the famous Harvard psychologist, said: "Three things in hu5
man life are important: the first is to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to
be kind."
Lucius Seneca, a first‐century stoic philosopher, said, "Wherever there is a human
being, there is an opportunity for a kindness."
Micah - "What does God require of us. To do justice, to
love kindness and to walk humbly before our God."
Empathy - trying to accurately understand
and sensitively respond to the needs of another person.
Awareness means paying attention
polite and respectful behavior are also rooted in an acknowledgment
of the worth of other people. That acknowledgment is at the heart of
many faith traditions. "Namaste" greetings are found in Hinduism, Taoism and Buddhism.
People greet each other using a Sanskrit word "namaste" which in essence is:
"The Buddha in me greets the Buddha in you," or "That which is holy in me reaches out
to that which is holy in you."
Acknowledging others means affirming some divinity in every human life.
speaking kindly to others, respecting the opinions of
others even when we may disagree, and respecting people's time and space. Arriving
on time is a basic rule of considerate behavior showing we respect other people's time,
that we value it as much as our own.
we never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace. Our state of being matters to
those around us, so we must become conscious of what we unintentionally share so we
can learn to share with intention.
Cutting in front of the line, always arriving late, refusing to silence a cell phone -
those things are more than just small acts of impoliteness.
"Acts of violence are often the result of an exchange of acts of rudeness
that spiral out of control. Disrespect can lead to bloodshed. By keeping levels of incivility
down, we keep the levels of violence down."
if we cannot be kind and considerate with one another on an individual basis, in daily life,
how can we ever expect to create a better world, end injustices and find global peace.
Love is patient; love is kind. It is never rude or self‐seeking.
Going through life rude and angry can make you sick.
The Harvard Business Review published a study about authenticity that concludes that the most successful people at work are those who can understand where each person is coming from and then find a part of their own true self that best matches this other person