Without the action, finding an out-of-the-box place is useless.

From the Anatomy of Peace, "I think it was your father's way of reminding himself that although he could get out of the box by finding an out-of-the-box place and pondering the situation anew, in order to stay out and away from the box, he had to execute a strategy. That is, he had to DO something."

"Each time you find you're getting stuck, whether at work or in your family, you'll again have to find an out-of-the-box place just as we have found one together here, and then you'll have to get responsively curious once more. Your questions about others will break you free from your justifications and blame." (The Anatomy of Peace)

"The happiest people I know are people who don't even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they are busy being good." (Harold Kushner)

Okay so let's assume that you've now discovered an out-of-the box place. What do you do then? Perhaps you begin to think about the situation differently by asking yourself a series of questions:

1. What are this person's or people's challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
2. How am I, or some group of which I am a part, adding to these challenges, trials, burdens or pains?
3. In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?
4. In what ways are my better-than, I-deserve, worse-than, and must-be-seen-as boxes obscuring the truth about others and myself and interfering with potential solutions?
5. What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?

Here is an interesting question to ponder - we had something like this come up in our class yesterday:
"How can I find an out-of-the-box place when all hell is breaking loose around me?"

I'd be interested in your thoughts.

Yes - I love the idea of practicing when all hell is not breaking loose. It then becomes much easier to stay out-of-the-box.

I will share that point with the class.

Once we have that out-of-the-box space (a person, an event, a memory of a person, a place) we can use it to take a new perspective on our current "all hell is breaking loose" perspective.

"The true measure of humanity is not our intelligence or how high we rise in this establishment. The true measure of our humanity is how quickly we respond to the needs of others and how much of ourselves we give." (Philip K. Dick, adapted)

For me, it's a realization that I am out of the box if I have the desire to help/intercede/serve. If I cannot in that moment help it doesn't change my desire to help. Once I have that desire I am out of the box. I believe that the greater my desire to help the more willing I am to help and the less willing I am to make excuses for not helping. That is how it works for me.

"If I diminish you, I inevitably diminish myself. The way I see others is inescapably bound to the way I see myself." (The Arbinger Institute)

If that's true - what needs to change?

"Betraying myself, I invite in others the very behavior I say I hate in them. And betraying themselves, they invite the very behavior they say they hate in me. We cooperate in condemning ourselves to ongoing misery & woe." (The Arbinger Institute)

Interview with Louise Francesconi from Raytheon

Here's a question for the group:

What are the red flags of your awareness that you're "In-the-box"?

Here are some of mine:
1. I feel victimized
2. I procrastinate
3. reclusive, avoid interaction
4. constant mental chatter
5. energy level plummets

"Make no judgments where you have no compassion." (Anne McCaffrey)

When others respond poorly, or in a way that we don't like; we begin thinking about how they are a problem for us. We both may benefit if we began wondering, instead, how I am a problem for them.

This happened the other day to me. We got out of the cycle of poor responses by diagramming it with the collusion boxes. We each began to see how we inviting the very responses we each said we hated. We've move to higher ground!

"Ignorance more frequently begets obstinate certainty than knowledge. The opposite of certainty isn't confusion, it's curiosity, openness, and a willingness to learn rather than choose up sides." (The Arbinger Institute)

Remember this week:
1. How am I a problem for others?
2. How can I be more helpful to others?
3. How can I help things go right?

Over and over - keep asking!

"Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in." (Isaac Asimov)

"Blaming oneself can work as an excuse just as well as blaming someone else." (Bonds That Make Us Free)

"A great and curious truth of the human experience is that selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself." (David McCollough Jr.)

"Never,never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person ... is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

"Giving up the charade of our own innocence is the true spirit of restitution and the pathway to reconciliation." (Jim Ferrell)

Here are some interesting thoughts about perfectionism and self-betrayal:

"Perfectionism seems obsessed with the task itself, whether or not people can see it being done. Perfectionists seem more obsessed with convincing themselves, rather than other people, of their worth.

Their conduct seems to pose the question: What more can possibly be expected of a human being?

Perfectionists are interested not in being conscientious but in proving their conscientiousness, and this requires demanding more and more of themselves, unendingly." (Bonds That Make Us Free)