Are others fully real to us? "What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded reservedly." (George Saunders)

"Forgoing the taking of offense is an achievement of the one who forgoes; he or she extends it to all, including those nearest by. It cannot depend upon what others do, or else it is not genuine forgoing." (The Bonds That Make Us Free)

"We don't change for the better by trying to change ourselves - we change by forgetting ourselves in response to others." (Arbinger, The Choice)

I think they call it love - forgetting yourself in response to another.

Yes - you're right - it's challenging.

We invite from others what we ourselves are. This is our influence. Blame provokes blame. Generosity invites generosity." (The Arbinger Institute)

"A customer is the most important visitor on our premises. He is not dependent on us. We are dependent on him. Hie is not an interruption in our work. He is the purpose of it. He is not an outsider in our business. He is part of it. We are not doing him a favor by serving him. He is doing us a favor by giving us an opportunity to do so." (attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, ~1890)

"From within the box, passions, beliefs, and personal needs seem to divide us. When we get out of the box, however, we learn that this has been a lie. Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others' beliefs must be to them. And if we have needs, then our own experience equips us to notice the needs of others." (The Anatomy of Peace)

From The Anatomy of Peace -Yusuf's words to the parents at the end of their time together:
"I appreciate the time and effort you have devoted to this. You have been pondering your lives in bold ways. I hope you will be both troubled and inspired as a result; troubled because you know that the box is always just a choice away but hopeful for the very same reason because freedom from the box is also just a choice away - a choice that is available to us in every moment."

"We change for the better the moment we cease resisting others." (Leadership & Self Deception)

Continuing yesterday's post on Culture of Change:
"The virtue of the pyramid is that it reminds us of the essential foundation - change in ourselves - while also revealing a behavioral strategy for inviting change in others. It reminds us to get out of the box ourselves at the same time that it tells us how to invite others to get out as well." (The Anatomy of Peace)

"A culture of change can never be created by behavioral strategy alone. Peace - whether at home, work, or between peoples - is invited only when an intelligent outward strategy is married to a peaceful inward one." (Anatomy of Peace)

"I was excited when I first encountered Arbinger", said Chip Huth, SWAT Squad 1910 Sergeant, "because I thought I finally understood what was wrong with everybody else - why everyone was such a problem! But when I really began to understand Arbinger, it began dawning on me that I had been a problem in ways I hadn't seen. When that happened, it really started to click, and I began to see quantum changes."

"When you begin to see that your enemy is suffering, that is the beginning of insight." (Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step)

"The learning level of the pyramid keeps inviting us toward humility. It reminds us that the person or group we wish would change may not be the only one who needs to change! It continually invites us to hone our views and opinions." (The Anatomy of Peace)

"Years ago I preferred clever people. There was a joy in beholding a mind bearing thoughts quickly translated into words, or ideas expressed in a new way. I find now that my taste has changed. Verbal fireworks often bore me. They seem motivated by self-assertion and self-display. I now prefer another type of person; one who is considerate, understanding of others, careful not to break down another person's self-respect. My preferred person today is one who is always aware of the needs of others, or their pain and fear and unhappiness ... I once liked clever people. Now I like good people." (Solomon Bennett Freehof)

From The Anatomy of Peace, "But how about ohter kinds of conflicts, conflicts with more history to them, for example, or conflicts between many people. A single heart at peace won't necessarily solve those."

Yes, you're right it won't. But ...

"But notice what it will do. Being out of the box will allow you for the first time to see the situation clearly, without exaggeration or justification. It will position you to begin to exert influence toward peace instead of provocation toward war. While you are correct that a heart at peace alone won't solve your complex outer problems, those problems can't begin to be solved without it."

Amy Simonelli sent me this article. Great thoughts on why we are so self deceived. "According to social psychologists, there's another, even deeper reason: Humans are programmed to see others more clearly than they see themselves-a phenomenon called actor/observer differences. "We read situations differently depending on whether we are the actor or the person watching," says Heidi Grant Halvorson, a motivational scientist at Columbia University Business School, who writes the blog The Science of Success. While others can clearly see that you frequently interrupt conversations or get red-faced and sweaty arguing a point, it's easier for you to ignore or rationalize your behavior, Grant Halvorson says. "You have access to so much information that others don't, like your past experiences, your beliefs about your own abilities, your fears and insecurities. All that extra data affects your interpretation of what you do-so self-defeating behaviors make more sense and seem more reasonable to you."

From the Anatomy of Peace, Lou asks if the wars around us will be solved by simply finding peace within.

"That depends on the nature of the conflict. In conflicts simply between you and another, I think you'd be surprised by how fully a solution to the inner war solves the outer war as well."

"And notice, it is not just the sense of what to do but the desire to do it that's at issue. That desire has to come from within. When we have recovered those sensibilities toward others, we must then act on them. This is why ACTION was Ben's favorite word. We need to honor the senses we have rather than betray them." (Anatomy of Peace)

"We are free to choose our view of the world. "Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world." (Dyer)

"The moment you've recovered a desire to help, you are out of the box toward the person. The question at this point is not how to get out of the box, it is rather how to stay out."

How do I stay out? The clue lies in the Self Betrayal Diagram - page 26 of the Arbinger Core @ Work workbook.