Creative Writing - Semester 1

I love it. It's the "as we called it" that really sells this line. You've got this interjection that makes the reader feel like the narrator is just meandering around, and then the quick jab: 3 small words with punch. Well constructed!

Consider a switch to something like "she said, stepping out from behind the door." You want to give your characters force and power. Try not to filter them or let things happen to them. Present them acting for themselves.

yelled

I gotta say, and don't take this the wrong way, but this is a little much right out of the gate. It just feels a little forced.

Strong opener; solid grab.

Like so many other possessions? Certainly, you need the s, but I'm wondering about the "of man's". It disrupts the flow, and I'm wondering if it is important enough to keep.

See - these are all male things, so they say more clearly and effectively what is said earlier with the prepositonal phrase that I don't like the sound of. I think you can trust your reader to get the gist.

Awesome! This one detail shows the entire face.

It's too early for this big of a reveal. Let us get to know the doctor first and give us small clues to his character before you fill the man in as sinister. The key to a good reveal is that the small bits of information should wash right over the reader. When you finally get to the reveal, the reader should first be shocked and then go, "Yes. That's exactly right. I knew it all along but didn't see that I knew it."

I don't quite understand what you meant by this being a reveal. I didn't really intend this to reveal that.

I really like this line, I feel like it shows us what kind of person Lemmy is (he cares about his sister and what she is exposed to, etc.) without blatantly saying it (following the whole show not tell dealio).

Strong opening line; solid grab.

I think there should be a comma here

I think this part of the sentence is a little bit awkward.

Watch the repetition of here - "sky" is jarring the second time (as are most words).

Excellent. I love the rhythm here. Ending a long paragraph with a short, abrupt sentence is a strong choice.

Are you switching between his various names (Jonathan, Mr. Winkle, Jonathan Winkle) for a purpose or just for the sake of variety? Generally, you're going to want to stick with one naming device for your protagonist, unless you have a specific purpose (as in The Awakening when Chopin takes our girl from Mrs. Pontellier to Edna in order to symbolize her separation from her husband's ownership).

I hope this gets to Leena lol. I think your story shows how strong you are as a writer. There are some grammatical errors but its a rough draft so you have plenty of time to fix those. I love this story, I love the different families and the individual stories and how we're learning so much about them in such a short amount of time. I feel like I've been reading the story for pages when I haven't and I have such a great grasp on who everyone is. I think that you have a wonderful start and I can't wait to read the rest.

Nice.

It's never a bad idea to start a story with a bit of dialogue. Nice job.

changed tense

a little bit awkward - might have something to do with the "clearly" in there because nothing about the part before indicated to me that it was "old" or "disheveled"

Give us a detail or two to differentiate the two of them. "Under his shock of red hair, Rich is there passed out..." or "Mike is also passed out, which was no surprise, neither is the fact that he's wearing his favorite Rhianna T-shirt". You get the idea, right? Just provide a little factoid that tells us something about each one. Give us something to look at.

This gag is a little over-used.

Nice grab. The moment is immediately relatable (meaning anyone could relate to it), and the sharp, staccato sentences convey the exasperation effectively.

Yep - we've all been there...

I like this, too. I like the fact that you trust your reader to know you're talking about posters in the classroom. A big part of becoming a reader is developing this trust.

Be Specific: What's a cheap ketchup?

matter?

???

Whoa! Bold choice. Most writers find it very difficult to write in the present, and a lot of readers find it disconcerting. The thing is: even if you use the past tense, your reader will experience the story as if it is happening right now, so past isn't really an issue. Bottom line: if this works for you, don't change it. There is nothing wrong with writing a story in the present. But, don't feel like it has to be present tense to make us feel it is in the present.

This is the section that interests me the most.

I might think about deleting this -- it might make it more matter-of-fact and more humorous

The fact that the girl is nameless - was that a conscious choice designed to highlight her blandness? If so, it's an interesting one (although it is a little unusual that you would refer this way to someone driving you to school, as that indicates a relationship of some sort).

HA!

Excellent characterization! I feel that I know this character immediately.

Careful - you need to make sure to distinguish a thought right from the start, either through punctuation or introduction.

Interesting use of oxymoron

wait what? I don't think I have ever seen a nurturing, shit-eating grin...

I, unlike Meg, really like this line. The stark contrast between the two descriptions of the grin convey mixed feelings and mixed emotions.