Simple, yet great description here.

Childish simplicity here, and it works extremely well.

Good way to introduce information. This works really well

Very good. The contrasting words flow nicely and reveal a lot.

I love this description

This sounds awkward...perhaps remove the 'him'?

Great reminder of the setting. It helps to remind us of the root of the strong feelings that the narrator attaches to fishing.

Very strong comparison here. It works well.

Good word.

Again, clever

Blunt. Witty. I like it.

Interesting perspective

I am unsure whether this means 'foreign' as in 'from another country' or 'foreign' as in 'strange, unfamiliar.' If it is the latter, I might suggest changing the wording, it might mislead some readers.

Poignant

I like the pop culture reference. It works.

This is sharp. It reveals a very strong conflict between the two of them.

This is a grotesque image in my mind. It works here, well done

Clever way of stating this

Seems like 'gingerly' doesn't fit with the other, darker, words used. Is this intentional?

"very own" puts stress on the fact that it was Mitchell's lab. If this is an important detail, great. If not, maybe just leave it as "his laboratory"

I really like this description. It creates a good image for me.

Sounds a bit awkward. Maybe 'where I sit'?

This sounds a bit awkward to me

Good. I like that you are explaining the backstory in bits.

Is this the root of the title? And thus foreshadowing?

I feel like this informal language doesn't fit with the rest of the writing.

Good repitition of detail. Now we know where we were in the scene that opened the story.

Another good, specific detail

Burst contrasts nicely with the image of the girl setting the table. Accentuates the difference between mother and father, perhaps

Something about this strikes me wrong...maybe the air buzzed like electricity? or something like that

I could be wrong, but I feel like a job in the military has more pressure than a civilian one

I really like this sentence. It has a good ring to it.

I'm a bit unsure if a twelve-year-old would do mature enough to do this, but it could certainly still work.

Very good details that show that Suzanne has grown up without saying so

Again, great details.

Switch from Daddy to Dad is very telling.

The short anecdotes that follow are very interesting, but the transition to the flashbacks is a bit choppy.

Good. This says a lot, either about the narrator's insecurities or about Rich and Mike's superiority issues.

I like this

Sentence pattern! I forget which one, but it works well here.

Minor note -- I'd move "or his son" next to "him" -- it sounds cleaner

Ominous...

This sounds like it was in the hour before writing this -- though it could be just me.

Alluded to earlier in the story. Good callback.

Good detail. Reinforces 'sprint' nicely

Clever

Possible foreshadowing...injury?

There's a shift in point of view here that is a bit jarring

I really like this. It serves as a break, yet is sudden enough for us to experience what the players are feeling. It also moves us seamlessly from one scene to another through repetition. Well done

I think that "chapel" is a term that is peculiar to our school. Many readers might not understand exactly what this is, and they may think that it is religious (which it might be, if this school is a religious school). I think "assembly" or something like that might work better.

I feel like omitting this bit might work. I feel like cutting that sentence off after repeating 'sit there' strongly reinforces the fact that they really are just sitting there. I think the bit about their realization that it's their last game against Pine Bluff comes across in the next sentence.