The Mind of the Narcissist - 0 views
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Emilie L on 02 Apr 12himself vs. reflection: major point
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Some people explicitly state that they do not love themselves at all (they are ego-dystonic). Others confine their lack of self-love to certain of their traits, to their personal history, or to some of their behaviour patterns. Yet others feel content with who they are and with what they are doing (ego-syntonic). But one group of people seems distinct in its mental constitution – narcissists.
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* keyword: distinct mental constitution (that differs from all the different kinds of confidence kinda brain traits)
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Loving your True Self is healthy, adaptive, and functional. Loving a reflection has two major drawbacks: One depends on the existence and availability of the reflection to produce the emotion of self-love. The absence of a "compass", an "objective and realistic yardstick", by which to judge the authenticity of the reflection. In other words, it is impossible to tell whether the reflection is true to reality – and, if so, to what extent.
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Narcissus is not in love with himself. He is in love with his reflection
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Some people explicitly state that they do not love themselves at all (they are ego-dystonic).
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the narcissist is preoccupied with projecting a loveable image, albeit compatible with his self-image (the way he "sees" himself).
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If he cannot love himself – he must love his reflection
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ut to love his reflection – it must be loveable
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they direct their love to other people's impressions of them. He who loves only impressions is incapable of loving people, himself included.
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The more successful this projected image (or series of successive images) is in generating Narcissistic Supply (NS) – the more the narcissist becomes divorced from his True Self and married to the image.
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Meaning, the better he is capable of mentally creating better image for himself in the eyes of others (therefore his 'reflection') the more he becomes 'in love' with the idea of himself then who he truly is
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he prefers his image
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The narcissist, therefore, is not selfish – because his True Self is paralysed and subordinate
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narcissist is not attuned exclusively to his needs. On the contrary: he ignores them because many of them conflict with his ostensible omnipotence and omniscience. He does not put himself first – he puts his self last. He caters to the needs and wishes of everyone around him – because he craves their love and admiration. It is through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. In many ways he annuls himself – only to re-invent himself through the look of others. He is the person most insensitive to his true needs.
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rains himself of mental energy in this process. This is why he has none left to dedicate to others
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he is so focused in pleasing everyone else to this image that he has no time to dedicate himself to others = lack of empathy
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Why should people indulge the narcissist, divert time and energy, give him attention, love and adulation? The narcissist's answer is simple: because he is entitled to it
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Clinical data show that there is rarely any realistic basis for these grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness.
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meaning there is nothing really extravagant or particular about them that they should (or could even be really driven!!) to be narcissistic
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Actually, he feels betrayed, discriminated against and underprivileged because he believes that he is not being treated fairly, that he should get more than he does
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With time, he comes to regard those around him as mere instruments of gratification, as two-dimensional cartoon figures with negligible lines in the script of his magnificent life.
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bases his own happiness on what others are doing around him + their reflection of him
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He is a habitual "people-junkie"
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The narcissist is forced to use other people in order to feel that he exists
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A personality whose very existence is a derivative of its reflection in other people's minds is perilously dependent on these people's perceptions. They are the Source of Narcissistic Supply (NSS). Criticism and disapproval are interpreted as a sadistic withholding of said supply and as a direct threat to the narcissist's mental house of cards.
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he reacts to what he perceives to be a danger to the very cohesion of his self. Thus, every minor disagreement with a Source of Narcissistic Supply – another person – is interpreted as a threat to the narcissist's very self-worth.
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The narcissist does not suffer from a faulty sense of causation. He is not oblivious to the likely outcomes of his actions and to the price he may have to pay. But he doesn't care.
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He would rather discern disapproval and unjustified criticism where there are none then face the consequences of being caught off-guard.
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that the narcissist cannot take chances. He would rather be mistaken then remain without Narcissistic Supply
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blames others for his behaviour
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The narcissist – wittingly or not – utilises people to buttress his self-image and to regulate his sense of self-worth. As long and in as much as they are instrumental in achieving these goals, he holds them in high regard, they are valuable to him
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This is a result of his inability to love others: he lacks empathy, he thinks utility, and, thus, he reduces others to mere instruments
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He sees them only through this lens.
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In 1977 the DSM-III criteria included: An inflated valuation of oneself (exaggeration of talents and achievements, demonstration of presumptuous self-confidence); Interpersonal exploitation (uses others to satisfy his needs and desires, expects preferential treatment without undertaking mutual commitments); Possesses expansive imagination (externalises immature and non-regimented fantasies, "prevaricates to redeem self-illusions"); Displays supercilious imperturbability (except when the narcissistic confidence is shaken), nonchalant, unimpressed and cold-blooded; Defective social conscience (rebels against the conventions of common social existence, does not value personal integrity and the rights of other people).
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1977 Criteria to Narcissistics * very interesting, gives personality traits + actions
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The narcissist is portrayed as a monster, a ruthless and exploitative person. Yet, inside, the narcissist suffers from a chronic lack of confidence and is fundamentally dissatisfied. This applies to all narcissists. The distinction between "compensatory" and "classic" narcissists is spurious. All narcissists are walking scar tissue, the outcomes of various forms of abuse.
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strong on the outside, weak on the inside * contradicts with the other article I read earlier..
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Freud (1915) offered a trilateral model of the human psyche, composed of the Id, the Ego, and the Superego.
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According to Freud, narcissists are dominated by their Ego to such an extent that the Id and Superego are neutralised. Early in his career, Freud believed narcissism to be a normal developmental phase between autoeroticism and object-love. Later on, he concluded that linear development can be thwarted by the very efforts we all make in our infancy to evolve the capacity to love an object (another person).
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This choice – to concentrate on the self – is the result of an unconscious decision to give up a consistently frustrating and unrewarding effort to love others and to trust them.
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The frustrated and abused child learns that the only "object" he can trust and that is always and reliably available, the only person he can love without being abandoned or hurt – is himself.
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So, is pathological narcissism the outcome of verbal, sexual, physical, or psychological abuse (the overwhelming view) – or, on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolising it (Millon, the late Freud)?
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Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolising the child – are also forms of parental abuse.
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This is because, as Horney pointed out, the smothered and spoiled child is dehumanised and instrumentalised. His parents love him not for what he really is – but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his parents' discontented lives, a tool, the magic airbrush with which they seek to transform their failures into successes, their humiliation into victory, their frustrations into happiness. The child is taught to give up on reality and adopt the parental fantasies. Such an unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment. The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality – empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skills, perseverance and goal-orientation, not to mention the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it – are all lacking or missing altogether. This kind of child turned adult sees no reason to invest resources in his skills and education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merits but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). The narcissist is not meritocratic – but aristocratic.
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too much love explained: the child is smothered by love and thus thinks theres a reason for it nana the world revolves around me because mummy and Daddy think so I am there pride and joy, because I am in fact an angel... now look at me I am a narcissitic and it's like a legit mental disorder.
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This is Millon's mistake. He makes a distinction between several types of narcissists. He wrongly assumes that the "classic" narcissist is the outcome of parental overvaluation, idolisation, and spoiling and, thus, is possessed of supreme, unchallenged, self-confidence, and is devoid of all self-doubt.
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Yet, this distinction is both wrong and unnecessary. Psychodynamically, there is only one type of pathological narcissism – though there are two developmental paths to it. And all narcissists are besieged by deeply ingrained (though at times not conscious) feelings of inadequacy, fears of failure, masochistic desires to be penalised, a fluctuating sense of self-worth (regulated by NS), and an overwhelming sensation of fakeness.
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* much importanto: there is only reaaally one type of narcissism despite having two different paths to it i. too much love ii. not enough
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hey tend to ignore him – or actively abuse him – when these needs are no longer pressing or existent.
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The narcissist's past of abuse teaches him to avoid deeper relationships in order to escape this painful approach-avoidance pendulum. Protecting himself from hurt and from abandonment, he insulates himself from people around him. He digs in – rather than spring out.
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This shocking revelation deforms the budding Ego. The child forms a strong dependence (as opposed to attachment) on his parents. This dependence is really the outcome of fear, the mirror image of aggression. In Freud-speak (psychoanalysis) we say that the child is likely to develop accentuated oral fixations and regressions. In plain terms, we are likely to see a lost, phobic, helpless, raging child.
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child-like ego problems: strong dependence on parents creates a super vulnerable child
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"The World of the Narcissist (Essay)" - tons of information +lots to read through, primary resource! like a fountain of info on narcissists. Reliability: not many ads, written by a doctor (has his CV published online, http://samvak.tripod.com/cv.html), wrote two books- one of which is an "ebook"
