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cuttingedge -

Quote Buddha - 3 views

There is a story with many variations about the Buddha. A delegation of seekers came to Prince Gautama to learn from his wisdom. Deeply impressed, they asked him, "Are you a god?" "No," he repl...

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Personal Relationships: How to Argue Productively - 0 views

lifehacker.com/...-argue-productively-318330.php

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • think on your feet, not get riled up during conflict, and communicate your position clearly, are all key attributes both with your friends, and on the job.
cuttingedge -

BBC - Know your conflict style - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_conflictstyle.shtml

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Understanding your style can help you act differently and get out of 'argument ruts'.
  • The peacemaker - you don't like arguments and see it as your responsibility to cool things down and sort things out as soon as possible, even if this means ignoring your personal needs or not having your opinions heard.
  • The defensive attacker - you believe that the faster you act, the better. You're highly attuned to possible disagreements and will lay down the law or issue threats to prevent a full-scale battle. It often doesn't work, and even when it does you're left wondering if perhaps you went over the top.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • The subtle striker - you're tactical and persistent in making your feelings known. You don't like full-on attacks, preferring to wait for your partner to notice something's wrong. You may use silence, nag, moan or just go on and on about it. You often get there eventually, but it's a slow and exhausting process.
  • The full-on foe - you've probably had to fight for your rights all your life and will always give as good as you get. Although you look tough, you're probably terrified of getting hurt and find every disagreement a painful experience.
  • The shock-absorber - you're afraid of arguments and will do anything to avoid getting into one. Rather than defend your rights or attempt to put across your point of view, you sit quietly waiting for the storm to pass. But inside, anger and resentment may be building.
  • The negotiator - you genuinely want to find a peaceful solution to problems without anyone getting hurt. You listen calmly to your partner's viewpoint and are confident when sharing your own. You want the best possible outcome for your relationship and, in your experience, consideration and compromise are the best way to achieve this.
cuttingedge -

BBC - How to avoid arguments - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_avoid.shtml

bbc communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Your feelingsAre you overreacting because you're tired and stressed? Could the anger you feel be at someone or something else? Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive? Is your mood being affected by illness?
  • Your partner's feelingsCould your partner be overreacting because they're tired or stressed? Do you know that they're currently feeling angry about something else? Is your partner either struggling with health issues or being affected by hormonal changes?
  • Your conscienceAre you feeling defensive about what your partner has said or done because you feel guilty? Could you be feeling defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry? Are you bearing a grudge against your partner for something you need to let go of?If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you? (See What are you really arguing about?)
cuttingedge -

BBC - Learning from arguments - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_learning.shtml

communications bbc

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • The exerciseWrite each of the following questions on a piece of paper, leaving plenty of space for your answers.
  • Was there anything else affecting me before the argument started (for example, stress, anxiety, anger at someone else, hormones, tiredness or illness)?
  • Were there any reasons I may have had for being defensive (guilt, avoiding saying sorry or forgiving)?
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • Was there anything else affecting my partner? (for example, were they tired, stressed, feeling worried or upset)?
  • What could I have said differently that would have helped to diffuse the row (for example, using less emotive language, changing your tone of voice)?
  • What could I have done differently that would have helped to diffuse the row (timed it differently, listened more, not been so defensive, been more adult, not jumped to conclusions)?
  • Once you've answered all these questions, take some time to share your thoughts with your partner and talk about what you can do together to try to avoid arguing in the future.Once you've got your ideas together, write them down under the heading:In the future we both agree to...
cuttingedge -

BBC - Guidelines for exercises - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...guidelines_index.shtml

communications niceWording

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • you think they may be hurt or angry at the suggestion, follow these tips:Make sure your partner is relaxed and in a good mood.
  • Make sure it's a suggestion. Avoid using words such as "should", "ought" and "must". Instead, try "I was wondering..." or "Perhaps we..."
  • Talk about how you feel the exercise will help you. Leave your partner to decide if they think it will also help them.Ask them to think about it. Don't expect an immediate answer.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • If they say no, try again a few days later, restating that they'd be helping you if they changed their mind.If they still insist they don't want to, drop it and investigate alternative ways of addressing the issue.
  • Agree why you think doing this exercise is a good idea and decide on a time and place to complete it. Agree to use the tips in Productive arguing if you find yourself in conflict. Think about what you'll do afterwards if the exercise raises difficult emotions.
  • Doing the exerciseMake sure you're relaxed. Postpone if you're feeling stressed, tired or ill.
  • When you've finishedTake some time to relax and think about what you've discovered before taking any action. If it has raised difficult emotions: Be kind to yourself - take some time to relax and, if you want, reward yourself with a special treat. Get grounded by focusing on your breathing, remembering all the things you do when you're not in a relationship - something that will help you to think about something else for a while.
cuttingedge -

BBC - Relationships - Couples - Resolving issues - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_issues.shtml

communications nicewording

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • designed to help you resolve minor issues before they become major problems. Completing the exercise together should help you and your partner find a solution for your dilemma.
  • Make a date in advance to do this exercise. Allow yourselves an hour.Make sure you're not going to be disturbed.Write your answers on a separate piece of paper using the headings below, (leave space for you to fill in your answers) .Use one sheet of paper per issue.
  • The exerciseThe issue between us is...(Write down the issue)
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • Partner oneIt is bothering me because...I'm partly responsible because I...To resolve this we could... (list as many options as you can think of)
  • Partner twoIt is bothering me because...I'm partly responsible because I...To resolve this we could... (again, list as many options as you can think of)
  • Top tipDon't try this exercise when either of you is feeling angry or hurt with the other. Try to take a step back from the emotions of the issue and focus on finding positive, practical solutions.
  • Now take some time to discuss and consider the options available. Make sure the solutions are practical and positive.
  • Both of youWe have agreed to...The change(s) I am going to make are...The change(s) my partner is going to make are...We will sit down and talk about how the changes are going on... (set a date)
cuttingedge -

BBC - Ways to make peace - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_makepeace.shtml

communcations

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • We're all different and where there's difference, there will be disagreement
  • The first step towards doing this is to understand what you're really arguing about and get an insight into your conflict style. After you've looked at both these areas, you can use some of the techniques
  • Be self-awareSelf-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change, but if you change your behaviour they'll almost certainly react differently.
  • ...19 more annotations...
  • Assume the best - unless you have evidence to the contrary, always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
  • Check your conscience - are you arguing because there's something you're avoiding, such as apologising, compromising or forgiving? Make sure you're not fighting to protect your pride.
  • Think about whether you're being affected by something else - don't underestimate the power of external circumstances. Are you stressed, tired, hormonal or angry about something else?
  • An adult is calm and focused, and listens and negotiates.
  • Own your feelings - your partner can't make you feel something. Your feelings are under your own control. If you're angry, say "I'm angry because...", not "You made me angry."
  • Improve communicationGood communication is vital to making peace. Often arguments go on and on, just because one or both parties feel they haven't been heard.
  • Listen - this is the most important part of good communication. Listen to your partner, without judging or making assumptions.
  • Explore - ask questions to make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. Be willing to look at every angle.
  • Explain - this is the other side of exploring. Be ready to give as much information as your partner needs to understand your point of view. Don't expect them to read your mind.
  • Empathise - put yourself in your partner's shoes. Feel what they're feeling and let them know you've taken notice, eg "I understand that you're feeling upset."
  • Express - say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and to the point.
  • Laugh - this may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humour can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there's a lighter side, use it.
  • It's impossible to have a proper discussion with someone who has lost their temper. If either of you feels very angry, stop your discussion or the row will almost certainly get worse.
  • Joint techniquesThe best peacemaking tactics are ones you've agreed on beforehand.Big Brother - pretend your argument is being observed by someone who's opinion you value. You'll be amazed at how polite and reasonable you'll both become.
  • Use code words - agree a word to use when either of you feels it's getting too emotional or you're just going round in circles. Then take some time out before you start again.
  • Be practical - try the resolving issues exercise to help you work through the problem rationally.
  • Agree to disagree - sometimes it's simpler. Not all battles need a winner and a loser.
  • Argue productively - print out the productive arguing guidelines. Put them somewhere you can see them and both try to stick to them.
  • Take turns - if you don't feel you're getting equal air-time, agree to take turns. Use a watch to time alternate five to ten minute slots until your communication has improved
cuttingedge -

BBC - What are you really arguing about? - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_arguingabout.shtml

communications bbc

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Unresolved issuesSometimes people find they're fighting battles that have far more to do with the past than the present. Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create hot buttons that partners press without realising.
  • For example, a partner who's parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip.
  • a partner who was always forced to do gardening as a punishment when a child may become irrationally angry when asked to mow the lawn.
  • ...7 more annotations...
  • Sensitive subjectsIf there are taboo subjects in your relationship that always cause a storm, you need to mention them more often. If you don't, they can become time bombs.Taboo subjects can include things such as a forgotten birthday or a time when you felt your partner wasn't there for you. Often it's something that represents a serious breach of trust such as an affair or a breaking of confidence. Burying old relationship problems is OK, but you have to make sure they're dead first.
  • Fighting for your deeper needsCouples often use topics such as money, sex or housework to fight for their deeper needs within a relationship.
  • an argument over who should pay for what may really be about where the responsibility lies and who's got the power in this situation.
  • Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth.
  • Hidden pay-offs
  • Arguing can be worth the pain because of the joy of making up.
  • Just remember: beneath the surface of an argument often lurks a much deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and you'll keep on arguing until you do.
cuttingedge -

BBC - Relationships - Couples - Productive arguing - 0 views

www.bbc.co.uk/...comm_productive.shtml

communications

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • 2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.
cuttingedge -

Are you rude? Maybe you should think again - CNN.com - 0 views

www.cnn.com/...index.html

communcations self

shared by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 - Cached
  • Eighty percent of Americans think rudeness is a serious national problem Ninety-nine percent of same people say that they themselves are not rude Going through life rude and angry can make you sick
  • Eighty percent of Americans think rudeness is a serious national problem, but 99 percent of the same people say that they themselves are not rude.
  • The first question is: Are you chronically late? Oprah has to admit, "My answer would be sorta kinda," she says.
  • ...12 more annotations...
  • I was chronically late," she says. "And I was late one day, and he said, 'If this ever happens again, I will never work out with you, because my time means as much to me as yours means to you. So you either get here on time or find yourself another trainer.' And I went, 'Okay.'"
  • "I think people are rude when they're having a bad day, and they don't expect to ever have to see you again, so they say what they want,"
  • nicknamed some of her rudest customers "the tossers." "What they do is instead of handing me their cash, they toss it at me," she says. "I've had people toss it so hard it's actually flown off my side of the counter."
  • "the messers." "They come, they get what they want, they leave their mess, and then I have to clean it up,"
  • Dr. Forni -- a professor at Johns Hopkins University and author of "Choosing Civility: The 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct" and "The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude"
  • "The quality of our lives is about treating each other well in every situation. We are all the trustees of one another's happiness and well-being in life,"
  • Stress and anonymity are two very, very common causes of rudeness
  • "Especially when they are together, like in traffic."
  • "We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace"
  • treat others as ends in themselves rather than as beings for the satisfaction of our own immediate needs and desires.
  • choosing to act in a civil manner has proven more beneficial than self-satisfaction. "I'm not a physician, but any doctor will say that when we are involved in a rude encounter, there are hormones -- like catecholamines, for instance, cortisol -- that are cascading into our system and they are making our immune system weaker,"
  • Going through life rude and angry can make you sick.
cuttingedge -

Introducing ourselves - 3 views

Tell us a bit about your interest in conscious communications.

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Sticky Situations - 3 views

Let's use the tag 'stickySituation' in the forum when we post a sticky situation we have an want to discuss or give nice examples of we communicated well in them.

stickySituation

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
cuttingedge -

Nice Wording - 6 views

Let's use the tag 'niceWording' in the forum when we post nice examples of skillfully worded communications.

niceWording

started by cuttingedge - on 12 Nov 08 no follow-up yet
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