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Ryan Sila

mguard's blog - 0 views

shared by Ryan Sila on 31 Aug 09 - Cached
  • miling to who you think is your first period Bio teacher
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Ha! Very clever.
  • Quickly you adjust your top.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      This is a small point, but "Quickly you adjust your top" is not as quick as "You adjust your top." Do you understand what I'm saying? Sometimes speed is conveyed better through a short sentence than through an adverb.
  • car-key jingling, most likely party going
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I really like this description -- a very realistic way for a freshman to think about a senior. Also, hyphenate "party-going," as the two words are serving as one adjective
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • that was definitely not there before
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Very good way to convey the sense of surprise (and also add humor)
  • I lost my keys more frequently, misplaced my reading glasses often, even confused my children’s names
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Good, concrete details. Very believable
  • Glenn Miller
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Another good, specific detail
  • burst
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Burst contrasts nicely with the image of the girl setting the table. Accentuates the difference between mother and father, perhaps
  • The air was electricity
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Something about this strikes me wrong...maybe the air buzzed like electricity? or something like that
  • I had to escape….my job… the pressure
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I could be wrong, but I feel like a job in the military has more pressure than a civilian one
  • We spent the night talking about berets and baguettes and plane rides over crystal blue oceans and the Eiffel tower in a nighttime sky
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I really like this sentence. It has a good ring to it.
  • I tacked up any newspaper clippings or magazine articles I found about Paris.  I scoured the mail each day looking for news.
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I'm a bit unsure if a twelve-year-old would do mature enough to do this, but it could certainly still work.
  • Mother didn’t pick out my outfits for school anymore and I insisted on wearing curlers each night to bed.  I even convinced my Mother to let me wear some of her rouge to school. 
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Very good details that show that Suzanne has grown up without saying so
  • pine wood, shoe shine, and steam
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Again, great details.
  • .  Maybe some other time but just not tonight, I have to get some sleep.”
  • “Dad, not tonight.”
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Switch from Daddy to Dad is very telling.
  • or whoever I was with at that point.
Ryan Sila

kthornhill's blog - 0 views

shared by Ryan Sila on 31 Aug 09 - Cached
  • taunting at
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Cut "at".
  • Nell closed her eyes, imagining that her body was a dungeon and somewhere deep inside was a potion that might grant her the strength and the bravery to go through with Molly’s request.
    • liz gordon
       
      good imagery.
  • glowing
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Making a church glow is a good religious reference. Well done!
  • ...9 more annotations...
  • rusty, metal fence
    • Ryan Sila
       
      This is the first image we get outside of the church. It provides a nice contrast, accentuating the difference between church and 'what she had been waiting to do the entire day'
  • devilish pixie
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Clever
  • their world
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Simple, yet great description here.
  • as it always did
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Childish simplicity here, and it works extremely well.
  • this time the power of good didn’t triumph after two hours.
  • It was his car now: his father moved away and left him alone with the car.  He hadn’t seen him since.
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Good way to introduce information. This works really well
  • gauntlet of friendly faces
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Very good. The contrasting words flow nicely and reveal a lot.
  • stuck her out here with no way to get back
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I love this description
  • He drove him
    • Ryan Sila
       
      This sounds awkward...perhaps remove the 'him'?
Ryan Sila

sofia's blog - 0 views

shared by Ryan Sila on 31 Aug 09 - Cached
  • (You just read draft #2.)
    • Sofia de O.
       
      Though it's really not that different.
  • that school
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Is there a reason why we're not getting the name?
  • To teach one of them how to speak like us, because we’d given up on speaking like them.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      See - here the pronoun came works better. You're using it to give me some characterization and set up the conflict between the "us" and the "them," so I like it. But, are you sure you don't want to give us setting? You could use the school's name to give us a country and let us know where we are.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      That should be "game" not "came" in the first sentence.
  • ...6 more annotations...
  • raised raised
    • Ryan Sila
       
      just a simple typo -- 'was raised'
  • I signed in at 4:03
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I love this -- it tells us a lot about the character very quickly.
  • glow glow
  • Why can’t you just be more reliable?”
    • Ryan Sila
       
      This is sharp. It reveals a very strong conflict between the two of them.
  • bald smiling lawyer
    • Ryan Sila
       
      This is a grotesque image in my mind. It works here, well done
  • in the form of Clause 14 B
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Clever way of stating this
Danielle Hazley

Google Reader (17) - 0 views

    • Danielle Hazley
       
      I really like the imagery in your piece because I can almost see perfectly Mrs. Schmitt's white carpeted stairs and her daughters room. I love all the mystery in this story around who the people are in the beginning scene, where Ms. Morris comes into the picture and things like that. I think the description of each new character is very good because the reader and vividly see what the girls are seeing. I believe that even though the girls know more than the reader the reader is still seeing everything through the girls eyes and learning new things with them. Good Job.
Ryan Sila

ghalbanna's blog - 0 views

shared by Ryan Sila on 01 Sep 09 - Cached
  • Ghazi Albanna Tourais 8-25-09
    • Tex Tourais
       
      This is your blog, so you can probably cut the header :)
  • (didn’t really read the book)
    • Tex Tourais
       
      The reader usually will regard parenthesis as a whisper. If Mr. Rappleye whispered this, than you've got it write. But, if he changed tone, but didn't yell, then you probably want this in italics for emphasis.
  • I was pretty sure the book was about the author running the Iditarod.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I like this line; it's clever and tells us a lot about the narrator.
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • It is obvious he tries to hide these things but does a terrible job for whatever reason
    • Ryan Sila
       
      This will pop up again
  • young
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Young? Really?
Ryan Sila

ahall's blog - 0 views

shared by Ryan Sila on 01 Sep 09 - Cached
  • thing but
    • Tex Tourais
       
      thing, but
  • I Juniper,
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I'm confused by the comma here.
  • maybe twenty years left
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I find this a bit jarring. She has 20 years left and is planning her funeral now? You may want to think about shortening the time she has left a bit.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • She had an attitude as big as her weave, and a tolerance level as small as her waist size
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I love this description. It's clever.
  • Who is I?
    • Ryan Sila
       
      Just a minor note: I think TV shows are supposed to be italicized?
  • Jack Nicholson from “The Shining
    • Ryan Sila
       
      I like the pop culture reference. It works.
  • their mother loved the streets more than she loved her children.
Meg Guard

rsila's blog - 0 views

shared by Meg Guard on 31 Aug 09 - Cached
  • squeeze
  • Mr. Campbell is a very famous, very wealthy cartoonist. When in school, he had no friends, and retreated into his drawings instead. His cartoons became his life, his characters became his friends. However, as he improved with his cartooning and his strips were published, he attracted tremendous amounts of fame and attention and scrutiny. Mr. Campbell is a schizophrenic. He believes that his two-dimensional cartoon characters can peel themselves off the page and enter reality. They sit on Mr. Campbell’s shoulder and talk with him. They are his friends. Robert Grimley endured a similar situation. He had very few friends in school, as well, and Mr. Campbell’s comic strip became a source of stability for him. When Robert discovers that the two of them live in the same town, he knows that he must get to know him. Robert wants nothing more than to be friends with Mr. Campbell. Mr. Campbell just wants to be left alone.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I'd get this out of here. It taints the reading and skews the comments.
  • there are plenty of them on eBay. I checke
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Clever.
  • ...10 more annotations...
  • glossed
    • Meg Guard
       
      I like this adjective, I think it fits nicely.
  • “Large white chocolate latte, please, Angela,” Maria, sniffling, said to Angela.
    • Meg Guard
       
      This sentence just seemed unnecessarily repetitive.
  • fechada
  • fechada
  • fechada
  • echada
  • f echada
  • f echada
  • f echada
    • Meg Guard
       
      es fAchada!! pero me encanta el espanol!!
  • – genuinely.
    • Meg Guard
       
      ooh interesante
Tex Tourais

ghalbanna's blog » Blog Archive » "inertia story" - 0 views

  • (walks into the room)
    • Tex Tourais
       
      This isn't neccessary, we can tell from his next line that he goes into the room.
  • ”Mom im going over to lans can i spend the night.” -”come in here and talk to me before you leave i havent seen you all week”
    • Tex Tourais
       
      You have to have punctuation here. Now - it doesn't have to be perfect grammer. But, you need to give us the pauses and when the character's thoughts break. You should also be capitalizing the appropriate words. Dialect is no excuse for bad grammar. If you leave it like this, the reader is too focused on the weirdness of the grammar and can't get into the story.
  • I was excited to be going over to lans house like I always am. I started hanging out with him a few months ago. The girl I liked then introduced me to him because they had been friends and we seemed to hit it off surprisingly enough. It was obvous to me that he came from a different place than i. ( I hadn’t much experience being in the world without parents much, and he had, but we shared the same deliorious, 7th-grade-shit-disturber-energy I guess you could call it.>>delete maybe) Anyway, I was excited, everytime we hang out it feels as like I go deeper into the world than I had before, places probably lan had already seen. But we always managed to get out of whatever we got into. I feel invincible with him, its possibly because we are so young, you cant get in much trouble for stuff. I am scarred to go along with him sometimes, things happen fast, but somehow I am always able to let myself go.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      It's great that you know how your character feels, but you shouldn't be sharing this with us just yet. Give us a little of the backstory, but keep moving forward. If he's excited and nervous, show us that with some jittery hand movements or something. Take what he's feeling and turn it into action, that will help us get to know the character. No one likes reading under paragraphs of feelings and background.
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • One time we were with 5or 6 of lans friends and lan brought a real megaphone with us. We went into the theatre and sounded the alarm and started cursing into the thing. I bet the security had to deal with little 7th graders like us trying to stir shit up but I think we were legends for going to this extent……
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Again - this is a good detail to give us, but I don't know if we need it right here. Right now, we just want the story to get going.
  • ryan and connor met us back at lans house. ryan had always been the cool kid everybody wanted to hang out with, and it felt really cool getting to be with such an exculsive group. We were waiting for lans parents to go to bed so we could sneak out and go tping and light off fireworks. We occupied ourselves by playing with pellets guns. And connor brought some cigarettes. they all took one so i did too.I dont think any of them knew i hadnt ever had a cigarette before no even a puff or anything. all i knew was how to hold it between your middle and index finger because thats how the adult did it out side the blues game in the garaje when my dad used to take me when i was little, and it was how this lady my mom was always hanging out with held her cigarette. They definatly figured out i didnt know what i was doing, but i was able to justify my “…” by saying how i cared to much about sports and i didnt want to ruin anything.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Okay - right here - slow down. This is the meat and potatoes. Let us know where we are as we enter Ian's house. Introduce us to Ryan and Connor. Take your time. As long as we're exploring a new environment and meeting new people, we'll be happy.
  • I had grown quite fond of cigarettes in the past 11mins
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Great line!
  • that i had been smoking
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Delete. All this does is take away from the funniness of the 1st half of the sentence.
  • yan, connor and lan were arguing about every little specific thing we would do.  Connor was trying to plan out every single firework we shot and who we would tp.  and ryan was arguing that it would be more fun if we didnt plan anything and just went crazy.  Lan was saying somthing else completely
    • Tex Tourais
       
      See - right in here, when they're arguing, you could have one of the boys suggest they go back to the movie theater. If you had one of the other guys tell the story, you could use it to introduce their character at the same time you were providing the back story. Then, you could have your narrator comment on it to himself. Do you see how that would create a far more fluid situation?
Tex Tourais

diane eapen's blog » Neighbors to Strangers - 0 views

  • It’s a perfectly dreary Sunday afternoon, rain splattering across the streets, drenching everything outside of the cozy spot where I have situated myself on my front porch. The drops from the rain individually fall from the roof, dripping down the panels, posts, and flora that encompass my house. I am comfortably nestled into the cushion of my lounge chair, unperturbed by the slight mist of the rain moistening my dry, wan skin.  My visage reflects the same countenance I wore to my husband’s funeral a month and a half ago. Life, as I see it, is washed away from my mind, my body, my home, and all other places I must endure without Mitchell’s presence, his earthly existence. Now, I stare out onto the wet, barren streets in search of the hope, life, and familiarity I once had 5 weeks ago.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      It's a good hook. Your choice to deal with the wife coming to grips with the husband's death instead of the death itself was a good one.
  • laboratory that he was awarded with after being exalted as on of the nation’s most acclaimed geneticists.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Too much, too soon. Just give us what we need to know. They worked together, they're scientists. We'll find out the world famous part later when it becomes important, or we won't if it never does. Remember: your reader does not need to know everything you know. This is a woman talking about her dead husband, she isn't gong to just launch into backstory.
  • e used to take care of their cat while they went off to Russia, their motherland. These trips usually occurred often so we were very well acquainted with Sherman, the Zacharov’s inquisitive, green-eyed Maltese cat.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      See - now this, I love. The small details that speak to the life she once had--that's what her mind will be on.
  • ...3 more annotations...
  • had diminished, I wake up
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Pick a tense and stick with it.
  • myself by securing myself
    • Tex Tourais
       
      You only get one "myself". Which do you want?
  • They were at the scene, the lab, when it happened.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Good... good... parcel out that information. Give us a little more eveytme. This feels natural to me.
Tex Tourais

mguard's blog » Melissa - 0 views

shared by Tex Tourais on 14 Sep 09 - Cached
  • crows
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Not grackles?? :)
  • My face becomes hot with rage.  I couldn’t help but think how she would feel, when she woke up alone.  How had all the other girls felt when they realized they were no longer wanted?  I would not let him do that to Melissa.  I wouldn’t be able to stand it if he corrupted her, made her cry, made her hate the world.  How dare he go after Melissa, the paragon of all that is innocent and beautiful in the world.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I think you're giving us too much. I'll say more in my comment below, but the bottom line is that this guy seems to know exactly what he's feeling all the time and seems to be having incredibly complex thoughts in the blink of an eye. I like that you know how he feels, but I'd prefer that you show us what he's feeling with a hand gesture or the shift of his eyes, as opposed to telling us.
  • I quickly divert my eyes from him and mumble “Whatever.”
    • Tex Tourais
       
      See - this right here. Doesn't this tell us everything we need to know about what he's feeling? If not, could you add a little something to cue us in to what we may have missed?
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • “Kiss me” he whispers in her ear.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Wait - isn't the narrator back on the porch? How can he hear a whisper?
  • As people arrive at the party, I mingle and chat and occupy myself with the other party-goers. 
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Give us a couple shots of those other party goers. We don't need much, but a line here or there about what the other people are doing around them will help flesh out the scene.
Tex Tourais

lmalik's blog - Story in progress (Diane and Sofia-this is the one :) ) - 0 views

  • I began regretting the plastic cover slip my mom had placed on the carpeted stairs to keep them clean
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I love this detail. It tells us a lot about her mom.
  • Before I was introduced into this life of fear, shame, and guilt. My lifecame to a point where I had been treated as guilty for such a long time, I began to feel as if my very presence was shameful.  Blending in proved to be impossible.  If I wore slacks and a collared shirt, I was acting too white. If I wore shorts and a t-shirt, I was a thug.  Even when I tried blending in with the walls, the white paint gave my dark skin away.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I don't think that you can just tell us this. You have to show us. It's good that you know how the narrator is feeling, but it feels forced for the narrator to just spill it like this. Let us find this out through the narrator's actions and how others treat him/her.
  • The dewy grass left wet imprints on our pajamas.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Excellent. You never forget to let us know how things feel or sound or look. Keep it up. You want us their with the narrator.
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • At school,
    • Tex Tourais
       
      If this supposed to be a dream sequence as the narrator is passed out? If so, you might let us know that somehow right up front.
  • she once cut her hand using some scissors, and she didn’t even say anything because she didn’t want to bother anybody.
  • (mind boggling similie here)
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Ha!
  • Well, more like a giant sneeze in this case…
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Ha!
  • transmuted
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Nice!
Tex Tourais

kthornhill's blog » Blog Archive » In Class Exercise 1 - 0 views

  • Darkness is encroaching upon the smiling faces of the family sitting on the picnic bench in the park, food spread out like a feast behind them.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Yikes! You're bringing the creepy early, aren't you? :)
  • when on the piece of paper in front of them there’s a math problem that they wouldn’t even know how to begin on.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      This imagery speaks to intellectual confusion, but you want emotional, right? Or am I off?
Tex Tourais

"There are only three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows ... - 0 views

  • new kid when I happened to sit in front of Allen in Mrs. Rioux’s History class
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Nice job!
Tex Tourais

Creative Writing - 0 views

  • Welcome to Senior Year
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Creative Writing Specific post.
Tex Tourais

vbalkin's blog - 0 views

shared by Tex Tourais on 31 Aug 09 - Cached
  • palpable
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Using palpable this way makes it redundant. You want to use this in relation to things that aren't normally felt or obvious. For instance, "when we went into the haunted house, Bob's fear was palpable" or "His arrogance was palpable: it entered the room before he did". Does that make sense?
  • sheen
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Think of light bouncing off something else; it's like gloss.
  • grackle bird
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Grackle is a noun. It doesn't need the word "bird" after it.
  • ...3 more annotations...
  • a floe
    • Tex Tourais
       
      An iceberg came out of the hose?
  • transmute from my crouched position,
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I need a fundamental change here. For instance, you could transmute into a grackle...
  • ars poetica
    • Tex Tourais
       
      An arse poetica can only be about poetry.
Tex Tourais

miscott's blog » Blog Archive » Rough Draft of 1st work - 0 views

  • Starting high school is always a difficult task. First you have to figure out where your classes are, and try to make it to them on time, while trying not to get in the way of the seniors. Then you have to attempt to understand what the teacher is talking about while your parents constantly remind you that getting straight A’s was easy while they were in school. Next you have to get involved in an activity because you hear it looks good on your college resume; however, you do not see what the big deal is because you are only a freshman. Finally, if you some how live through this, you have to magically develop a social life and try to find out where to sit in the lunch room with out tripping over your shoe strings, because you were staring at the Varsity quarterbacks girlfriend.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      What if you made this all one sentence? You are trying to convey the confusion of freshman year, so it would be fitting to have the grammar express that. Obviously, it would make the sentence very confusing for your reader, but that's the point, right? Sometimes it's nice when what your saying and how your saying it are the same.
Tex Tourais

vbalkin's blog » Cuckoo For Cupcakes - 0 views

  • “Well I don’t think that is possible.  You see, I just work here and I don’t think the Muchnick family is willing to give it up.  Their family has been in this business for over seventy years.  See on the wall over there?  That’s Mr. and Mrs. Ed Muchnick, they were the first owners of Cuckoo for Cupcakes and ever since then, it has been passed down through the family.  I have been working here for two years and I won’t ever be able to own it,” said the cashier.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      This is for you, as the writer, to know, but I don't think it's for us to know right now. See my comments below...
  • “You see Janey, there is another issue, the Muchnick family went on vacation last week and are out for the next three weeks.  I’m in charge of the store.  And even if I could sell you the store, I wouldn’t.  You do not deserve it over me.  I have been working my butt off for the last two years of my life at this place.  It’s my favorite place to be.  It seems to be the only place that makes me happy recently.”
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Again - your cashier is saying too much. It's great that she's feeling this and great that you know she feels it, but it is not neccessary that she actually say it.
Tex Tourais

vbalkin's blog » Lost in the Halls - 0 views

  • I squeeze my way through the crowded hallway and run down towards Michael screaming his name.  Panting, I stop short right in front of him.  He finally seems me and knows I need help.  Before I even speak,
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Give us a little snap shot of him so that we can recognize him to. We don't need much, but if you could give us his eyes, or a shock of hair or a distinctive body type, that'd be great. Something to separate him from the crowd (just as the narrative has).
  • Out of luck with four minutes left to get to class
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I like the countdown; it creates tension.
liz gordon

dhazley's blog - 0 views

shared by liz gordon on 14 Sep 09 - Cached
  • that were
    • Tex Tourais
       
      delete.
    • liz gordon
       
      i think you have some really good descriptions in here of Tim.
  • cutie picture of the say and I quickly clicked the ‘x’ in the top right corner and decided 3am was an appropriate time to hit go to bed.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I think there are some typos here.
  • I awakened the next morning and found myself back on myspace
    • Tex Tourais
       
      "In the morning, back on myspace," or "Back on myspace the next morning"?
  • ...6 more annotations...
  • The little Timothy I used to know was just annoying. I had never thought twice about him. He sat behind me in class and he was always getting in trouble. That little Timothy had grown into a man… a FINE man! I prepared to respond but before I did my phone rang and I quickly flipped open my 3 year-old razor.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I like that we have two characters here. So far you've saved "Timothy" to refer to the boy in the past, while referring to his present self as "the cutie". It's a nice way of dealing with the time and memory issues that our narrator is dealing with. As she hadn't remembered "Little Timothy", they currently ARE two people to her. Catch my drift?
  • My friend Amber explained to me.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I don't know that we need to meet Amber just yet. You might consider leaving her as a voice on the phone, and then introducing her when we meet her in person.
  • “Timothy, you there?” Amber asks. “Yea, hey Theresa. You get my message?” He asks in a voice that matched his face with fineness. “Yea and I completely didn’t remember you at first but I do now. We used to go to fa-” I got cut off by Amber “Hey Timothy are we still going to that carnival next weekend?” She asked him. That witch! She was ccould clearly see we were talking! “Yea, but umm Theresa I-” His sentence is cut short by Amber who feels the need to say something else lacking in importance. “Okay, good because I had a great time with you last weekend.” says Amber and though she’s one of my best friends I kind of wanted to gut her like a fish. “Hey you guys I’ve gotta go, I’ll call you late Amber, it was great finding you again Theresa,” he said with a laugh “You too,” I blurt out before Amber says something.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      I like the dialogue here, but it's getting chopped up by all of the text identifying who is saying what. It would flow better (and feel more like a three-way phone call) if you tried to differentiate between the voices through speech patterns or little phrases that the different people use. If the reader gets a little confused as to who's saying what, that's okay. This is a 3way phone call, it should be a little confusing. After all, that's the emotion the narrator is feeling.
  • Me and Timothy started hanging out all the time. We went to the movies, out to eat, the park, the mall, it didn’t matter where we went as long as we spent 90% of everyday together. Eventually when asked about our relationship I’d tell people that we were together.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      You're planning on writing these scenes later, right?
  • Your little whores here
    • liz gordon
       
      WOH. this really show's the hatred Mellissa has for Theresa!
  • flinched
    • liz gordon
       
      great word--shows maybe there is more than what appears to be so between Mellissa and Tim
Tex Tourais

earchie's blog » Tinsel on the Tree story - 0 views

  • Peregrine asked to his father
    • Tex Tourais
       
      Trust your reader and trust your dialogue. With have the "Fa" as a cue that it's Peregrine and he's talking to his dad. We don't need to be told twice. When it comes to dialogue, the more that you can put in the quotes and the less outside, the better. I would cut the "Peregrine asked" from above as well.
  • “Live the dream, son, live thedream,” he said between glasses of scotch.
    • Tex Tourais
       
      This is a beautiful line of dialogue. In real life, people don't tend to answer questions in a straightforward manner and non-sequitars abound. It's good to remember that.
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