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People who are masterful at acknowledgment listen carefully to what is important to others and then look for ways to acknowledge the other person when she has done things or made choices that support those values or goals.  An example of acknowledgment is: "I want to acknowledge the courage it took for you to volunteer to be the spokesperson.  I know that public speaking is a personal skill that you want to improve."

HBR STAFF/RICHARD NEWSTEAD/GETTY IMAGES
"Tell me about your career goals." How often have you said this to a person you're managing or mentoring, only to get a blank stare in return? Perhaps the person confides that they don't know what their goals should be, or even whether there are opportunities to advance at your company. How do you begin to provide support?

How do you coach an employee who seems beyond help? Maybe the person is arrogant, is tactlessly blunt, or lacks empathy. Sometimes you actually can't help them - but it may be that their behavior is misunderstood or misdiagnosed. To make sure you have an accurate view of the person, check your assumptions and judgments. Look beyond the obvious symptoms and think about what might underlie their destructive behavior. Observe patterns and notice when there are breaks in those patterns; these deviations can provide important clues.

Your excuses are myriad. It's faster if I do it myself. I have a particular way I want things done. It's cheaper than paying someone to do it for me even if the results aren't the same. Whatever your reason, you're  stubbornly loathe to delegate even the most basic or the most time-consuming of undertakings. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool control freak, you may be reluctant to confront the true costs of refusing to delegate, but rest assured they exist. If you're hoarding responsibilities like a secret cache of white truffles, the person you're really hurting is yourself.

Your goal is to show your "commitment to helping your colleague develop and grow," but also to "step back, remember the organizational mandate, and think about how best you can work side-by-side with this person to get things done." Here are some tips to get the most out of these meetings.

"Precious moment of connection" is so true! And of course, always remember a sincere 'Thank You'.

Most of our team members want to be known by us. They want to know that they matter and that we care. As coaching leaders, we are looking for ways to inspire those we lead so that they can accomplish greater things and grow more than they could if they were not being coached. To accomplish this, we must work to find out what personal and professional goals our teammates have, what motivates them, what hurdles get in their way, what fears hold them back, or what bad habits derail them. We must really get to know them before we work on action plans, skills, knowledge and process if we want to have the highest probability of helping them to grow and perform at higher levels over the long haul. How well do you know those you are responsible for developing?

How effective is your approach to coaching? We invite you take a coaching evaluation to see where you stand in comparison to outstanding business coaches. It will measure the how strongly you prefer to behave collaboratively or dictatorially, how prone you are to giving advice or enabling other people to discover answers for themselves, and how apt you are to exert your expertise or treat everyone as equals. While certainly the best coaches adjust their style to the particular person and situation at hand, we have found that there are ideal ranges on the scores for all six of these dimensions.

This was a thought provoking survey,that helped confirm an area of my own leadership that I wish to evolve - wanting to solve everyone's problems for them rather than engaging them in helping to find solutions.

What does work is a) helping people find a deep and very personal vision of their own future and b) then helping them see how their current ways of operating might need a bit of work if that future is to be realized. These are the first two steps in Richard Boyatzis' Intentional Change theory - which we've been testing with leaders for years. According to Boyatzis - and backed up by our work with leaders - here's how people really can begin and sustain change on complex abilities linked to emotional intelligence:

Coaching isn't about asking versus telling. It's about creating a new awareness, which includes the reflective practices of sharing observations and sensations, motivational acts of encouraging and challenging, and ways of holding the space in the moment so the person can fully experience their self even when it feels uncomfortable. Coaches do all of these things as well as questioning.

Doing so necessitates the persons at the bottom of the hill absorb more responsibility, while the people at the top of the hill get their hands dirtier.  Essentially, a leveling of the mechanisms that cause the flow is necessary.  Here's some tips on how to make that happen:

"Leaders can provide visible evidence of enabling and supporting their employees by conducting continuous Appreciative Coaching conversations showing how the strengths of the person are aligned to the results of the organization. People then understand how they fit into the organization's vision and mission, but create a powerful energy for excellence."
-James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner, The Leadership Challenge (4th ed., Jossey-Bass, 2008)

With this shift, there is still a "me" in the picture, but it's not front and center. The "me" involves finding one's own personal motivation, enjoyment and engagement in learning the skills of leadership beyond their individual performance.

Coaching is conversation. It's about asking questions, listening and being thoughtful about your responses with the goal of learning and development for the person or team being coached. Here, a few things all managers should know about coaching.

Part of what makes it work is that when we get behind the façades that we habitually put up, we begin to understand others better-their motivations, values, and beliefs. As we better understand what is going on inside of us, we will better understand what is going on inside of others and take their comments and behaviors less personally. We will begin to understand their points of view more completely. It generates respect and a willingness to share points of view that can strengthen the group as a whole.

When you're asked to give feedback on a fellow employee, you want it to be useful. But unless you connect it to what matters to them - and separate it from your personal beliefs and preferences - they won't be able to act on it. Emphasize facts, not interpretations.

Becoming a more likeable leader is completely under your control, and it's a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ). Unlike innate, fixed characteristics, such as your intelligence (IQ), EQ is a flexible skill that you can improve with effort.