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Contents contributed and discussions participated by taylorcornelson

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An Ethical Discourse Regarding the Nature of Diet: Trifecta - 1 views

ethics-girl.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html
shared by taylorcornelson on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • have come across quite a few
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      "have come across quite a few blogs.."?
  • tyle, witt
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      replace , with - ?
  • This powerful example illustrates just how important the issue is to LaBossiere, and in turn how important the issue of factory farming should be to us as readers.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great sentence.
  • ...16 more annotations...
  • writing is sort of looming
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      I think making this sentence more assertive would help your point come across more clearly. "Because his writing style looms between ..."
  • hen I first reading
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Missed a word here, probably "started"
  • How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver.  In a food/ethics blog.  In the words of the internet, lolzI'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Love this, but maybe rephrasing would make it read more clearly? "How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver. In a food/ethics blog. In the words of the internet, lolz. I'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon."
  • This week I’ve decided to do a sort of “tribute” bit about my newfound favorite blogger, “Wayne Yuen,” and his blog, “Piles of Philosophy.” 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Finally, someone who understands proper punctuation in conjunction with quotation marks! Hurray! Nice job.
  • Whether you are a carnivore, omnivore, “demi-vegetarian,” vegetarian, vegan, or fruitarian, you will probably be intrigued with what he has to say.  
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great sentence.
  • Well for starters Yuen
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe remove "well for starters"?
  • iledohsoclosetogether
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Fantastic.
  • nd it only gets worse
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of italics
  • though
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Though, rather than thought.
  • The one that ran free looked like an animal, it had big legs, a smallish breast, and plenty of dark and white meat, while the run-of-the-mill supermarket turkey had the tiniest legs and hugest breast I have ever seen…there is NO WAY that thing could have ever stood up on its own. 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of imagery.
  • Long story short Wayne thinks it’s a was
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of your own voice... very strong.
  • Om nom nom…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Internet-realted diction is always appreciated.
  • Now, on to something completely different…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      The original quotation is, "and now for something completely different", or at least that's how it was in their film of the same title (I think).
  • ever increasing
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      ever-increasing
  • Ethics in food is a particularly hairy subject, but to get started, here are a few sites that I found helpful and interesting on my quest for knowledge and to sort out my own opinions…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Nice way to launch into this discussion.
  • Is this because we need harsher regulations? Or is someone slacking on the job
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion, stating how what you've just discussed might influence your blog in the future? Great voice work, though I think if you edited the first post a little to include more of your own voice (at least in the beginning) it would be stronger.
22More

Behind the Bleachers: Trifecta - 4 views

behindthebleachers.blogspot.com/...trifecta_09.html
shared by sunmeeholmes on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • freakish
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe a word with less negative associations would be more suitable?
  • Business is just one aspect of the complex sports world that has kept me so obsessed. I also feel that ethical issues in sports are very intriguing topics because ethics are constantly being challenged and violated - sometimes with little media attention, sometimes with too much.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe some way of combining these two sentences?
  • The steroid age will be over when you’re gone, Bud.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Nice... "steroid age" in quotations?
  • ...8 more annotations...
  • Although I enjoy a good demolition named after cheese as much as any other person
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Good aside.
  • He doesn’t always write about popular, media-friendly sports. He is not scared to go down all the way to the high school level. In his post titled
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Good rhythm.
  • does not
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      doesn't
  • am hopeful that I can emulate Mark’s professionalism in my blog.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Perhaps some more imagery in this post would be helpful?
  • wait…a college basketball player?! As Joe notes, it must have gone down like this:
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Very engaging diction.
  • Ah, doesn't everyone love a good Star Wars reference? Joe’s use of imagery here is outstanding.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great points.
  • Joe’s writing is great because he can
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Careful of the object in this sentence... you start talking about Joe's writing, not Joe himself. "Joe is a great writer because he can keep his voice..."
  • slam dunk home run knock out…you get the idea.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great ending. Enjoyed reading!
14More

Educational Problems among Different Ethnic Groups: Trifecta - 3 views

eduproblems.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html
shared by taylorcornelson on 18 Apr 10 - Cached
  • Hey You! Yes, You! Please don’t go so soon.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Do you think there's some other way of grabbing the reader's attention, rather than asking them not to leave? I think even starting with "Did you ever think..." would be a much more engaging introduction.
  • high school
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Central and South American high schools?
  • Additionally,
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      I think if you remove this word the paragraph would be stronger.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • statistics in “Their Cheating Hearts” by William Raspberry
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion to communicate with the reader?
  • Since I am writing about educational problems in different ethnical groups and comparing them to see why all these educational problems affect their entire economy, his thoughts and opinions are giving me a general sense of why people are not really “learning.”
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Rephrase to a more direct sentence? "His thoughts and opinions offer great insight as to why students in many schools aren't really "learning."
  • arguments
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe refer to the author by name every once in a while?
  • schools and racing team
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Comment specifically how these techniques discussed above do what you say they do. (More specifics)
14More

Is Google Making Us Stupid? - Magazine - The Atlantic - Nicholas Carr - 11 views

www.theatlantic.com/...6868 google
shared by Mark Marino on 06 Mar 10 - Cached
  • "Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave?”
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      Imagery, classic film reference, and a poignant example of the fear of computers in the 21st century. Could you ask for a better opening line?
  • The deep reading that used to come naturally has become a struggle.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      I've definitely had this feeling too.
  • Reading, explains Wolf, is not an instinctive skill for human beings
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      Very interesting hypothesis... I've wondered this myself when on page 700 of "War And Peace."
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • “You are right,” Nietzsche replied, “our writing equipment takes part in the forming of our thoughts.”
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      As a student of architecture, I can see many parallels between this example and new computer-based architecture programs that are fundamentally changing the ways architects design.
  • “systematize everything”
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      Exhilarating, yet terrifying.
  • The idea that our minds should operate as high-speed data-processing machines is not only built into the workings of the Internet, it is the network’s reigning business model as well.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      He raises an interesting point - but is this the way our minds were meant to work, and have other forms of media merely been restrictive in their relatively slow output of information?
  • HAL’s outpouring of feeling contrasts with the emotionlessness that characterizes the human figures in the film, who go about their business with an almost robotic efficiency.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 09 Mar 10
       
      This is a great summation of the incredible eloquence of Kubrick's masterful film, a metaphor which operates very well in the context of this article.
18More

Moneyball: Winning Isn't Everything: Blogology - 0 views

behindthebleachers.blogspot.com/...blogology.html
shared by taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • I’ve found myself struggling with how to present my sports knowledge and opinions in a way that is expressive, yet informative.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Nice concise opening sentence.
  • Joe, a former writer for Sports Illustrated, updates his blog nearly every day and enjoys quite a large following.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Nice use of repetition of Joe's name. Creates rhythm and a sense of movement leading into the heart of the topic.
  • they won’t leave the casual fan heading for the exits.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Imagery! And sports-related imagery, too!
  • ...6 more annotations...
  • Joe’s sense of humor really shines in his post, Nike: Greek Goddess of Confiscating Tapes.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Smooth transition between this paragraph and the previous one... builds momentum, makes it easy to follow.
  • But he keeps going on and on, reading off a laundry list of activities that Crawford accomplished in the air before dunking on Lebron James.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      I like the integration of the above quotation with your narrative; it makes the passage really engaging to read.
  • Big deal.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Good contrast with a short sentence.
  • The Nike article was a lighter subject than his article about Mark McGwire’s admittance of steroid use
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Perhaps a better way of transitioning posts? Feels a little forced. Possibly move this transition to be the topic sentence of the paragraph?
  • It’s almost as if he is making a statement, and then immediately following it with another before the reader can get a word in.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Perhaps rephrase from "as if he is making a statement" and "then immediately following it" to "as if he makes a statement" and "then immediately follows it". Keeps with the voice of the rest of the post.
  • This blog is definitely a slam dunk…check it out!
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Good use of the sports cliche. Concluding paragraph works well, giving the post a sense of finality.
28More

15 Most Annoying Types of Twitter Users - 0 views

soshable.com/nnoying-types-of-twitter-users voicex
shared by taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10 - Cached
  • It can be argued that those of us who tweet links to content on the web are the most annoying of Twitter users.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Here the author cuts right to the chase - there's no introduction or extraneous information. He assumes his readership base already knows exactly what he's talking about.
  • Otherwise, there are probably dozens of other types that are just as annoying. 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Sentence structure is short and concise. Again, no 'padding' of words. He also uses relatively informal words such as "annoying", setting a relaxed tone to the post.
  • With as much money as people are apparently making on FOREX, it’s amazing that they have time to work their Twitter accounts.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Use of sarcasm, playing up the humor of the post. It also forces the reader to pay attention to what's being written, as it takes a deeper reading of this commentary to understand when sarcasm is in use.
  • ...11 more annotations...
  • When you post links to stories, you really should make sure that everyone can see what the story says rather than link to your own site and expect people to click through from your site to the source content.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, more sarcasm.
  • Just a thought.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Short sentence creates a contrast to the previous sentence, creating interest for the reader.
  • IF YOU TWEET, EMAIL, IM, OR DO ANY FORM OF COMMUNICATION IN ALL CAPS, IT MEANS THAT YOU’RE YELLING WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY!!!!!! MAKE SURE THAT WHAT YOU YELL IS WORTH YELLING!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Again, humor is used, and in an ironic way. Creates a connection to the reader because, if he assumes his audience correctly, they can completely relate to what he's saying.
  • For those not in the game, it can get rather mundane if all you post is who you’ve assassinated, what weapons you’ve purchased, and how we can join your clan/family/ring/dojo.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Complex sentence creates rhythm and movement through at the post.
  • I know. Everyone loves Oprah.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Short sentences create an introductory "hook".
  • You can’t say anything bad about her because she is perfection boxed up into human form.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Great imagery here - helps draw the reader in to the description.
  • It reminds me of the people who followed Forrest Gump on his runs across the country. They were there, waiting for him to say something magical, and it never came.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Pop culture reference assumes a certain type of readership and age, while at the same time reinforcing the visual nature of the description of Oprah as a bearded Tom Hanks.
  • It’s the Internet. Porn is everywhere. Why would anyone go to Twitter to find it? Answer: they don’t.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Nice coupling of short sentences, creating rhythmic structure.
  • I know Twitter in its purest form is supposed to be somewhat mundane, but some people take it way too far.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      I personally can greatly relate to this post, reinforcing a sense of connection with the author.
  • Still, that shouldn’t be ALL that you tweet, should it?
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Question creates a natural transition and again makes the reader think about what's just been asked.
  • That’s nice. What are you going to Tweet about?
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 04 Feb 10
       
      Condescending voice communicated through text helps reader 'hear' the author.
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