Some time ago I worked as a trainer for a fairly large organization. As a trainer I had to coordinate with employee supervisors in order to obtain training topics and schedule training. One of my supervisors was not helping me; in fact he was sabotaging my trainings. And, it seemed, he was doing it on purpose. He would "forget" to schedule the sessions, not give me proper topics, and then undermine what I was saying during the training sessions. I had been working with my training supervisor for months looking for a solution to all the problems he was causing me. I wasn't treating him poorly, and I felt I was doing a great job as a trainer; I had no clue as to why he was being such a problem. I was very close to making a formal complaint and I was hopeful I could get him fired.

Soon the book The Anatomy of Peace fell into my lap with a recommendation that it might help solve my problem. My first reaction was "I don't need this, I just need to get this supervisor out of my way." But I was wrong. As I read the book I was impressed by how the ideas challenged me to get outside of my own way of seeing. This was really hard for me to do because it forced me to see this supervisor as a person. There was one line in the book that changed the whole game for me: "We invite in others the very behaviors we say we hate." When I read that I realized I needed to be responsible for my contribution to the problem I was experiencing. I was finally able to see how I was actually provoking negative behavior from this supervisor. It turns out that the way I was going about scheduling was not working for the supervisor; it was hindering his own scheduling. I was also training in a way that was not taking into account what the employees needed and what the supervisor needed. I found out that he thought I was a problem.

I decided to have a meeting. In this meeting I told the supervisor all the things I was doing that I thought were getting in his way or making his life harder. He was impressed by this. After discussing both of our needs and objectives, we saw that neither of us was worthy of firing. We both were trying our best but had been blind to how we were affecting each other.

From that moment on our work changed dramatically. Trainings improved. We held them more often and with better topics. The employees benefited, sales increased overall, and the company was able to see improved engagement from its employees.

Here at Arbinger we have a saying about The Anatomy of Peace: it's as soft as a brick. It hit me hard when I needed it most.

The way people communicate is always an outgrowth of their deepest attitude, or way of being, toward each other. When people are essentially self-concerned-when they are defensive, resistant, or insecure in some way-their communication is haunted by thoughts and feelings that they don't share openly. They carry hidden "baggage" into the conversation-false assumptions, old grudges, veiled animosity, rumor-based information, automatic "labels," and so on-all of which subvert any real dialogue.

Years ago, Harvard's Chris Argyris began urging members of business groups to explicitly acknowledge such hidden baggage-to identify "the left-hand column," as he described it. By doing so, he said, people can discover the real meaning and substance behind what they are saying, they can examine it honestly, and they can discard whatever now seems faulty to them. Such honest self-examination creates an atmosphere of increased respect and openness and leads to much more effective communication.

Arbinger goes further: We help people discover why they are susceptible to believing false assumptions, holding grudges, veiling and nurturing animosity, reveling in rumor and gossip, generating automatic labels-and so on-in the first place.

To create the deepest and most lasting change, it is less important to know what our baggage is in a particular situation, than it is to know (1) why we carry any baggage at all and (2) how we can reduce the very tendency in ourselves to carry it. Arbinger helps people discover both answers for themselves. (These are answers that lead away from the desire to "fix" others, and instead empower people to improve themselves.)

A genuine dialogue process is one in which people have significantly reduced their propensity to carry hidden baggage. Groups composed of such people create both a shared meaning and a common purpose, and their attitude toward each other is one of mutual respect and service. They communicate clearly because they live clearly; without blame and self-protection, they have the simple desire to help one another in achieving their common goal. When that is their way of being toward each other, productive dialogue always follows.

In the very process of reducing their tendency to carry baggage, people also reduce their tendency to create conflict-to blame and undermine one another, to clash over people and resources, to withhold help, to spread rumors and gossip, and to compete for attention

Every organization's ability to achieve results is bounded by the prevailing mindset of that organization. For this reason diagnosing and addressing the mindset of your organization is vital if you want to improve results.
Arbinger has developed what we call "The Mindset Audit." This valuable tool will ask you just ten simple questions in order to determine the predominant mindset within your organization.
The Mindset Audit will offer you new insight into the current mindset of your organization, and guide you to solutions for improving the prevailing mindset individually and collectively in order to accelerate results.
Take The Mindset Audit: http://arbinger.me/mindsetaudit-fb

A few weeks ago I asked some questions regarding your direct report (I've copied it below)
"Do you currently see your direct reports as the customer's of your own leadership?

Do you treat your direct reports as you treat our external customers? Do you know your direct reports better than they know themselves? This is the standard we hold ourselves to with respect to our external customers. Why should our Direct Reports be any different?

What would change in their experience with you if you saw them this way?"

Let's keep going and ask the following:
1. Identify all the ways I have created challenges or difficulties for them.
2. Are there any mistakes or misunderstandings that I need to take responsibility for?
3. If this person were asked what they would like to be different in the way I work with them, what would they say?
4. Does the way I lead, work with, and support them enable them to be as successful as they can be?
5. If not, what do I need to do differently?

Identify 1 to 3 things that you could do to be more helpful.

Do you currently see your direct reports as the customer's of your own leadership?

Do you treat your direct reports as you treat our external customers? Do you know your direct reports better than they know themselves? This is the standard we hold ourselves to with respect to our external customers. Why should our Direct Reports be any different?

What would change in their experience with you if you saw them this way?

Our fate is shaped from within ourselves outward, never from without inward. (Jacques Lusseyran)

However mean your life is, meet and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names... It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. (Henry David Thoreau)

We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade and the harm we do, we do to ourselves. (Mitch Albom)

[Try reading this quote by replacing the words 'hating/hatred' with words like resentment, withholding love, bitterness, refusing to forgive, and judging. Any others?]

To forgive is to assume a larger identity than the person who was first hurt. (David Whyte)

The thoughts that creep into our brain about other people tell us less about those people than they do about our selves... Most judgments of others are an attempt to empower ourselves and give a sense of being better than the person we judge. (Charles F. Glassman)

In the world of human affairs, the will to dominate, even for apparently good reasons, nullifies itself. 'Every force', says the Tao te Ching, 'calls forth a counter-force.' But love is a power unmitigated. It allows others their freedom. (C. Terry Warner, Bonds That Make Us Free)

Something to consider when I see myself as either superior or inferior to others: "To see others as gauges to be measured against is to see them as objects." (The Choice at Work)

Become a responsive person. Be influenced by the reality of other people. The rest will be wonderful. You do not do it conditionally -- not to try to change others -- you do it because you love, unconditionally. (C. Terry Warner)

If you would convince a person that they do wrong, do right. But do not care to convince them. People will believe what they see. Let them see. (adapted, Henry David Thoreau)

Make no judgments where you have no compassion.
(Anne McCaffrey)

But mankind is so addicted to systems and to abstract conclusions that we are prepared deliberately to distort the truth, to close our eyes and ears, but justify our logic at all cost. (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)

It's very, very difficult, time consuming, and demanding to let people have their say, especially when you disagree with them. But I think in life, it's actually more important to listen hard to those who disagree with you. (adapted, George Mitchell)

How easy it is to blind ourselves to our own wrongdoing by pointing to the wrongdoing of others. (C. Terry Warner, Bonds That Make Us Free)

The happiest people I know are people who don't even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they are busy being good. (Harold Kushner)