Some time ago I worked as a trainer for a fairly large organization. As a trainer I had to coordinate with employee supervisors in order to obtain training topics and schedule training. One of my supervisors was not helping me; in fact he was sabotaging my trainings. And, it seemed, he was doing it on purpose. He would "forget" to schedule the sessions, not give me proper topics, and then undermine what I was saying during the training sessions. I had been working with my training supervisor for months looking for a solution to all the problems he was causing me. I wasn't treating him poorly, and I felt I was doing a great job as a trainer; I had no clue as to why he was being such a problem. I was very close to making a formal complaint and I was hopeful I could get him fired.
Soon the book The Anatomy of Peace fell into my lap with a recommendation that it might help solve my problem. My first reaction was "I don't need this, I just need to get this supervisor out of my way." But I was wrong. As I read the book I was impressed by how the ideas challenged me to get outside of my own way of seeing. This was really hard for me to do because it forced me to see this supervisor as a person. There was one line in the book that changed the whole game for me: "We invite in others the very behaviors we say we hate." When I read that I realized I needed to be responsible for my contribution to the problem I was experiencing. I was finally able to see how I was actually provoking negative behavior from this supervisor. It turns out that the way I was going about scheduling was not working for the supervisor; it was hindering his own scheduling. I was also training in a way that was not taking into account what the employees needed and what the supervisor needed. I found out that he thought I was a problem.
I decided to have a meeting. In this meeting I told the supervisor all the things I was doing that I thought were getting in his way or making his life harder. He was impressed by this. After discussing both of our needs and objectives, we saw that neither of us was worthy of firing. We both were trying our best but had been blind to how we were affecting each other.
From that moment on our work changed dramatically. Trainings improved. We held them more often and with better topics. The employees benefited, sales increased overall, and the company was able to see improved engagement from its employees.
Here at Arbinger we have a saying about The Anatomy of Peace: it's as soft as a brick. It hit me hard when I needed it most.
Soon the book The Anatomy of Peace fell into my lap with a recommendation that it might help solve my problem. My first reaction was "I don't need this, I just need to get this supervisor out of my way." But I was wrong. As I read the book I was impressed by how the ideas challenged me to get outside of my own way of seeing. This was really hard for me to do because it forced me to see this supervisor as a person. There was one line in the book that changed the whole game for me: "We invite in others the very behaviors we say we hate." When I read that I realized I needed to be responsible for my contribution to the problem I was experiencing. I was finally able to see how I was actually provoking negative behavior from this supervisor. It turns out that the way I was going about scheduling was not working for the supervisor; it was hindering his own scheduling. I was also training in a way that was not taking into account what the employees needed and what the supervisor needed. I found out that he thought I was a problem.
I decided to have a meeting. In this meeting I told the supervisor all the things I was doing that I thought were getting in his way or making his life harder. He was impressed by this. After discussing both of our needs and objectives, we saw that neither of us was worthy of firing. We both were trying our best but had been blind to how we were affecting each other.
From that moment on our work changed dramatically. Trainings improved. We held them more often and with better topics. The employees benefited, sales increased overall, and the company was able to see improved engagement from its employees.
Here at Arbinger we have a saying about The Anatomy of Peace: it's as soft as a brick. It hit me hard when I needed it most.