Skip to main content

Home/ s10writ340_930/ Group items tagged sports

Rss Feed Group items tagged

sunmeeholmes

Behind the Bleachers: Trifecta - 4 views

  • freakish
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe a word with less negative associations would be more suitable?
  • Business is just one aspect of the complex sports world that has kept me so obsessed. I also feel that ethical issues in sports are very intriguing topics because ethics are constantly being challenged and violated - sometimes with little media attention, sometimes with too much.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe some way of combining these two sentences?
  • The steroid age will be over when you’re gone, Bud.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Nice... "steroid age" in quotations?
  • ...21 more annotations...
  • Although I enjoy a good demolition named after cheese as much as any other person
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Good aside.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      agreed, I like this sentence
  • He doesn’t always write about popular, media-friendly sports. He is not scared to go down all the way to the high school level. In his post titled
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Good rhythm.
  • does not
    • taylorcornelson
       
      doesn't
  • am hopeful that I can emulate Mark’s professionalism in my blog.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Perhaps some more imagery in this post would be helpful?
  • wait…a college basketball player?! As Joe notes, it must have gone down like this:
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Very engaging diction.
  • Ah, doesn't everyone love a good Star Wars reference? Joe’s use of imagery here is outstanding.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great points.
  • Joe’s writing is great because he can
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Careful of the object in this sentence... you start talking about Joe's writing, not Joe himself. "Joe is a great writer because he can keep his voice..."
  • slam dunk home run knock out…you get the idea.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great ending. Enjoyed reading!
  • I want to talk about the impact of sports that stretches beyond the box score. Basically, I will dive into the magical world behind the bleachers – the one we usually don’t hear about.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      I think you can combine these sentences...it's using two analogies to say the same thing
  • To some, success isn’t measured in wins and losses. It’s all business, right?
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      These sentences are a good intro to your voice.
  • I researched the intricacies of the Collective Bargaining Agreements, and I was hooked.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Hmm...you researched this before the age of ten? Props if you did cuz it sounds complicated, but if not, you might want to clarify.
  • An example of the type of issues I hope to discuss
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Skip the "hope to discuss" and be more straightforward. Something like, "my blog will discuss..."
  • I will try my best to make sure that this blog
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Again, be more straightforward. When you write things like "I hope" or "I'll try my best" you're making promises you don't think you'll keep.
  • wish to discuss
  • I do not know if Technorati has filtered out inactive blogs
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Wait, what does this have to do with getting the amount of comments he deserves?
  • he presents topics from both the collegiate and professional level
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      "he also presents topics from the professional level"--collegiate twice is repetitive
  • The blogger, whose name is posted simply as “Mark”, is an attorney working in private practice. He spends most of his time dealing with sports related matters. Mark began work on this blog on January 11th 2005 and has posted about 3-4 times per week since then. His style involves using mostly short, but very information-heavy posts. Some of his posts are simply links to articles related to sports business that he found interesting, but didn’t have time to discuss.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Need some more of your voice in here! I know it's hard because you're listing info about the blogger...maybe you can mention information throughout the post, instead of writing it all down together.
  • Mark discusses the recent agreement that the city of Irving, Texas made with Kraft Foods.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      try to combine this with the next sentence to make it flow better
  • One thing that I really appreciate about this blog is that it does not try to be anything other than what it is. Mark knows that there probably isn’t an overwhelming population that is interested in sports business, but he sticks to his content.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      This is nice! It shows WHY you're interested in his blog.
  • Joe, a former writer for Sports Illustrated, updates his blog nearly every day and enjoys quite a large following.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Ooh, this is a much better way to write the technical info about a blogger...try this on your blogger profile post!
  • His use of all capital letters at the end of the quoted section also demonstrates the passion and aggression that this post was crafted with.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Maybe add a transition? It feels like you just stuck this in at the end.
Lauren Goehner

Sports Cereal: Trifecta - 1 views

  • It was wild.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      haha, I like your voice and use of shorter sentences. Good intro.
  • I decided that I should input my opinions on sports related issues and so I started this blog. I pride myself on trying to being fair. I still have my favorite sports teams and athletes that I root for, but I strive to be fair in my sports related analyses. I guess you'll agree or disagree based on my upcoming posts.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      nice way to tell us about what you will be blogging about, while giving insight into your personality and character
  • So let’s go over the credentials again: live in the second largest sports market; college student; and willing to admit things that might be painful. Alright, looks good.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      good voice
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • a sport I have loved since birth basically
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      maybe add the basically earlier -- "a sport I have basically loved since birth"
  • Basically, he doesn’t sound like he’s whining and that’s a good thing for the reader.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      good intro/summary about simmons - i like that you use your voice to talk about his
  • persona
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      maybe a new word for persona?
  • He finds the right balance.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      good job reviewing his blog, but maybe include a couple sentences at the end about how it might influence your writing, or some way to kind of sum it up/conclude the post and wrap it up
taylorcornelson

Moneyball: Winning Isn't Everything: Blogology - 0 views

  • I’ve found myself struggling with how to present my sports knowledge and opinions in a way that is expressive, yet informative.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Nice concise opening sentence.
  • Joe, a former writer for Sports Illustrated, updates his blog nearly every day and enjoys quite a large following.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Nice use of repetition of Joe's name. Creates rhythm and a sense of movement leading into the heart of the topic.
  • they won’t leave the casual fan heading for the exits.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Imagery! And sports-related imagery, too!
  • ...6 more annotations...
  • Joe’s sense of humor really shines in his post, Nike: Greek Goddess of Confiscating Tapes.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Smooth transition between this paragraph and the previous one... builds momentum, makes it easy to follow.
  • But he keeps going on and on, reading off a laundry list of activities that Crawford accomplished in the air before dunking on Lebron James.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      I like the integration of the above quotation with your narrative; it makes the passage really engaging to read.
  • Big deal.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Good contrast with a short sentence.
  • The Nike article was a lighter subject than his article about Mark McGwire’s admittance of steroid use
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Perhaps a better way of transitioning posts? Feels a little forced. Possibly move this transition to be the topic sentence of the paragraph?
  • It’s almost as if he is making a statement, and then immediately following it with another before the reader can get a word in.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Perhaps rephrase from "as if he is making a statement" and "then immediately following it" to "as if he makes a statement" and "then immediately follows it". Keeps with the voice of the rest of the post.
  • This blog is definitely a slam dunk…check it out!
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Good use of the sports cliche. Concluding paragraph works well, giving the post a sense of finality.
Mark Marino

Bill Simmons: The Levels of Losing - ESPN - 3 views

  • A few weeks ago, I was trapped at home on a Friday night.
    • Mark Marino
       
      This hook pulls us in by setting the scene
  • She was starring in "Ghost Whisperer,
    • Mark Marino
       
      wow
  • As it turned out, the DJ crashed while on the phone with his girlfriend, who hid the story for years before confessing to Jennifer outside a courthouse. Then, the ghost DJ showed up and talked to his old flame through Jennifer, who started crying because, you know, she can feel pain and stuff.
  • ...1 more annotation...
  • o heaven. The show ended with Jennifer in a tight nightgown, satisfying the final third of CBS's contractual requirem
  •  
    This article about Jennifer Love Hewitt gets to the heart of so many things that are wrong with our culture and ghosts.
taylorcornelson

Educational Problems among Different Ethnic Groups: Trifecta - 3 views

  • in USC
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      studying "at" USC
  • timing
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "time"
  • south
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "South"
  • ...28 more annotations...
  • off from
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "out of" high school
  • after several weeks later
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      don't need to say the "after" -- can just say "several weeks later", or "after several weeks"
  • After the incident, he told me that he will be working with his uncle and will no longer be attending school.
  • his father was found dead
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      intense -- good use of personal story to show your strong ties/connection to the subject you are writing about
  • Of course there are educational problems in Korea as well. But this time, it is not surrounding issues like low-income or harsh environment, because by government law, everyone must receive education in school no matter what happens; therefore, the majority of students do not need to pay the school fee unless they attend private schools
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      Sentence is a bit long...maybe make into two?
  • Different from America, where everyone deserves an opportunity, in Korea, students must be in the top lists to be successful, that is why Korea has a high rate of suicide among students.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      great information in this paragraph -- I, and I'm sure many readers, did not know a lot of this
  • from December
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "on" December 14?
  • He is a Korean and writes everything from Korean games, movies, education, politics, sports, social issues and more, but mostly complaining about them.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      Do you need to say "a" Korean? Maybe just "He is Korean?", and "writes about everything from.." instead of just "writes everything"
  • ethnical
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      ethnic
  • But I will not be like that. I mostly share similar opinions with Fermentation, but I have other thoughts that contradict with him
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      Good tone and assertiveness here -- I like that you establish that "you will not be like that"
  • this blog looks boring.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      haha, nice informality
    • morgan macbride
       
      i agree
  • The reason I fell in love with this blog is because of his writing methods. He uses amazing stories and analogies to refer to how an educational organization must be improved
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      great way of telling us why you chose this blog
  • exciting
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "excited"
  • Now, it is my turn. This is just the beginning. Welcome to my world.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      I like this wrap up
  • And how all these different learning methods affect individual ways of thinking?
    • morgan macbride
       
      this intro is good but comes off a little bit like an informercial
  • t is an introduction.
    • morgan macbride
       
      maybe connect this sentence to the last with a semi colon.
  • surrounding problems
    • morgan macbride
       
      switch order, put "problems surrounding"
  • I realized that there are millions of blogs that relate to my topic: Education.
    • morgan macbride
       
      add a hook or something funny
  • I personally
    • morgan macbride
       
      "and personally, I agree with him"
  • cool things
    • morgan macbride
       
      I like the informal tone of your voice, its engaging
  • ust like other readers
    • morgan macbride
       
      "just like other readers, I had to nod my....."
  • Hey You! Yes, You! Please don’t go so soon.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Do you think there's some other way of grabbing the reader's attention, rather than asking them not to leave? I think even starting with "Did you ever think..." would be a much more engaging introduction.
  • high school
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Central and South American high schools?
  • Additionally,
    • taylorcornelson
       
      I think if you remove this word the paragraph would be stronger.
  • statistics in “Their Cheating Hearts” by William Raspberry
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion to communicate with the reader?
  • Since I am writing about educational problems in different ethnical groups and comparing them to see why all these educational problems affect their entire economy, his thoughts and opinions are giving me a general sense of why people are not really “learning.”
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Rephrase to a more direct sentence? "His thoughts and opinions offer great insight as to why students in many schools aren't really "learning."
  • arguments
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe refer to the author by name every once in a while?
  • schools and racing team
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Comment specifically how these techniques discussed above do what you say they do. (More specifics)
1 - 7 of 7
Showing 20 items per page