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taylorcornelson

An Ethical Discourse Regarding the Nature of Diet: Trifecta - 1 views

ethics-girl.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by taylorcornelson on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • have come across quite a few
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      "have come across quite a few blogs.."?
  • tyle, witt
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      replace , with - ?
  • This powerful example illustrates just how important the issue is to LaBossiere, and in turn how important the issue of factory farming should be to us as readers.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great sentence.
  • ...16 more annotations...
  • writing is sort of looming
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      I think making this sentence more assertive would help your point come across more clearly. "Because his writing style looms between ..."
  • hen I first reading
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Missed a word here, probably "started"
  • How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver.  In a food/ethics blog.  In the words of the internet, lolzI'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon.
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Love this, but maybe rephrasing would make it read more clearly? "How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver. In a food/ethics blog. In the words of the internet, lolz. I'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon."
  • This week I’ve decided to do a sort of “tribute” bit about my newfound favorite blogger, “Wayne Yuen,” and his blog, “Piles of Philosophy.” 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Finally, someone who understands proper punctuation in conjunction with quotation marks! Hurray! Nice job.
  • Whether you are a carnivore, omnivore, “demi-vegetarian,” vegetarian, vegan, or fruitarian, you will probably be intrigued with what he has to say.  
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great sentence.
  • Well for starters Yuen
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe remove "well for starters"?
  • iledohsoclosetogether
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Fantastic.
  • nd it only gets worse
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of italics
  • though
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Though, rather than thought.
  • The one that ran free looked like an animal, it had big legs, a smallish breast, and plenty of dark and white meat, while the run-of-the-mill supermarket turkey had the tiniest legs and hugest breast I have ever seen…there is NO WAY that thing could have ever stood up on its own. 
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of imagery.
  • Long story short Wayne thinks it’s a was
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Great use of your own voice... very strong.
  • Om nom nom…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Internet-realted diction is always appreciated.
  • Now, on to something completely different…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      The original quotation is, "and now for something completely different", or at least that's how it was in their film of the same title (I think).
  • ever increasing
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      ever-increasing
  • Ethics in food is a particularly hairy subject, but to get started, here are a few sites that I found helpful and interesting on my quest for knowledge and to sort out my own opinions…
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Nice way to launch into this discussion.
  • Is this because we need harsher regulations? Or is someone slacking on the job
    • taylorcornelson
      taylorcornelson on 20 Apr 10
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion, stating how what you've just discussed might influence your blog in the future? Great voice work, though I think if you edited the first post a little to include more of your own voice (at least in the beginning) it would be stronger.
  • cdcrone on 09 Feb 10
     
    Guac's first "paper"
cdcrone

A Question of Improbabilities: TRIFECTA - 2 views

aquestionofimprobabilities.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by cdcrone on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • that are of an outlier nature.
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      that are of an "outlaying" nature. (what you have sounds somewhat awkward)
  • journeys to the realm of the unknown
  • many other fascinating
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      I love the last part of the sentance...it is kind of cheesy, but at the same time, makes me want to feel really excited!
  • ...14 more annotations...
  • Cornerstones of scientific theory.
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      I really like how this short sentance is stuck in the middle of a bunch of longer ones...maybe more of this?
  • Maybe we can reach out and touch that void and come to acknowledge that we are, in fact, merely a speck on the surface of that which lies out there; a speck, friends, but a speck indeed
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Your strong ending sentance makes me want to read more! The melodrama juxtaposed against your subject matter
  • Similarly, she has a monthly “Sci-Fi Worthy Parasite” in which she discusses a species of parasite that possesses unusual qualities
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Awesome! :)
  • I can, however, offer a critical distance that I believe is necessary for some degree of objectivity
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Good job on pointing this out - many may feel that you are not as "trustworthy" by having a scientific blog but not being from a scientific background yourself. This is certainly a valid argument for why your blog is different, and also worth reading.
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      You mention it in other places too, but feel free to play up your unique perspective on the issue. I feel like this could make you more credible to your readers as well as giving your blog a more personal feeling
  • it is quite apparent throughout his blog that he intends to remind you of this fact
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      What do you think of this? Perhaps be more explict in what you want to take from his voice and what you would rather leave behind.
  • Second
  • . Second,
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Please, for the love of reading on a computer screen, but a paragraph break in here. :)
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Same goes for "Thirdly..." and "Lastly..." It makes it so much easier to read.
  • lack of diction that would indicate interest in dialogue.
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      I love your description here. <3
  • It must be noted here,
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      New paragraph please!
  • his is certainly to serve two purposes. One
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      The period is a bit awkward here...it is breaking up your thought, but not in a good way. Maybe try a semicolon or colon; if you are feeling particularly spicy you could throw in a dash!
  • . Secondly, he
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Paragraph break please! (If you already have one in here, consider puting an actual space between the paragraphs)
  • Thirdly
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Paragraph break please. Also, you are using lots of lists (firstly, secondly, thirdly, etc.). Is there another way to convey this information without the list format? Too many lists tend to make the eyes wander to new and different tabs. In many of your lists, I feel like the numbered beginning words are somewhat unnecessary. Think of all the different types of bullet points you can choose from in Word...thought it may not be proper in an acadmic paper to continually switch up your numbered symbols, here it would help keep the paragraph flowing without the start-and-stop of numbers.
  • Jaffe is not an android
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Or is he? duh duh duhhh...
  • TRIFECTA
    • cdcrone
      cdcrone on 19 Apr 10
       
      Great job! Keep up the good work and research. Put more of your personal ancedotes in there too - we are reading your blog not only for information but also for entertainment!
Chelsea Hamill

Trifecta - 3 views

Paper 1

started by Chelsea Hamill on 09 Feb 10 no follow-up yet
mkbusc

Trifecta - 4 views

paper1

started by mkbusc on 11 Feb 10 no follow-up yet
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