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"Minding your manners" is all about focusing on how the other person feels, not on how you feel. It's consciously acting in a way that puts other people at ease and makes them feel comfortable.

The basics of meeting preparation (things like inviting the right participants and testing equipment) can feel like second nature for many who are familiar with the routine. But beyond logistics, anxiety can arise for individuals who are less comfortable with what happens off-script during meetings. Concern around asking the right questions, having the right responses and utilizing meeting time productively often distracts from the end goal. But there's a way to cut through meeting anxiety, and it's centered on helpfulness.

But there really is a way to conflict-free collaboration in our individual work lives-that is to say, an environment where individuals feel free to vigorously debate and challenge ideas, rather than "go along to get along." We typically think our ability to work without conflict depends on how others treat us, but Arbinger's work suggests something different: our ability to cut through conflict depends on how we see others. The structure, the nature of real collaboration, is the same at home, at work, or in our communities. And it all begins with mindset.

When we feel bugged by others, usually we demand a different response from them than we ourselves are willing to give. When neither we nor another are caring for each other, for example, we can get quite upset at the other's lack of care. We operate with an oxymoronic illogic: I'm upset because you are doing precisely what I am doing!

When we see others as people, we see their hopes, needs and fears, and this willingness to see and understand informs everything we do with them. When we see others as objects, on the other hand, we give ourselves license to treat them inhumanely. In order to feel justified, we don't allow ourselves to consider the positive in them.

...choose your attitude and adjust your expectations.

Great article! Thank you! Last paragraph is very powerful: Find someone who can be a mentor or accountability partner to help you see the future vision of you before it's "hatched." As Einstein said, "We can't solve a problem on the level of consciousness that created it." Shift your consciousness by getting empowering and uplifting help from someone who believes in you and won't let you take "no" for answer about your own life.

I am posting this in the Leadership & Self-Deception group because I think it beautifully expresses the spirit of the Arbinger teachings.

Incredible video!! Outstanding definition of leadership. I am reminded of something one of my favorite leaders used to say. "People don't follow titles. People follow people". Thank you for sharing this Joe.

*Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening. *Listen carefully, and note the key words and phrases that people use. *Respond encouragingly to the central message. *Be flexible - prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and feelings also change. *Look for cues that you're on target.

How often do we feel disappointed in others' performance or behavior? As leaders, it's our responsibility to take action to mend unproductive relationships. With Arbinger I've learned to ask myself two questions when I find myself thinking like this. "Am I curiously seeking and hearing the other person's opinion with the intention of understanding?" "How am I making this situation worse for them?"

Nice read, Joe - thank you! "An effective "outside, inside, out" process, as Arbinger calls it, involves intense curiosity, active listening and internalization followed by strategizing around how one can be helpful to others moving forward."

If you work your self-sufficiency muscle, you'll learn that you can withstand almost anything. Your powers of observation will become almost superhuman. No longer will you feel trapped in a life you hate. And you'll have a new soul mate at the end of the journey-you.

LOVE this!