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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur ’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on ahead.” 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.” 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.” 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 20. A backward poet writes inverse. 21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Steven Wright gems 1. Half the people you know are below average. 2. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 3. 42.7% of statistics cited by people in arguments are made up on the spot. 4. A conscience is what feels bad when everything else feels so good. 5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 6. The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese. 7. What’s the speed of dark? 8. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? 9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 10. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 11. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 12. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” 13. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 14. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. 15. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 16. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. 17. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have any film.

The ads for Asics athletic gear that hung horizontally across several storefronts near the Kodak Theater where the Oscars will be held Sunday were all removed by Saturday. Three of the four people charged have posted $100,000 bail each. City law bans the installation of supergraphics, vinyl images draped over buildings. Last week in the most severe step taken in the ongoing battle over the banners, Los Angeles businessman Kayvan Setareh was jailed on $1 million bail for hanging an enormous movie ad on a Hollywood Boulevard building he owns near the Kodak Theatre.

a fish market should smell like “a clean beach.” However, if the “fish smell” smell is intense, that’s a warning sign — it could mean that the fish hasn’t been stored properly, or the market isn’t particularly clean.