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Educational Problems among Different Ethnic Groups: Trifecta - 3 views

eduproblems.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by taylorcornelson on 18 Apr 10 - Cached

in USC
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  studying "at" USC
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">studying "at" USC</div>
  
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timing
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  "time"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">"time"</div>
  
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south
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  "South"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">"South"</div>
  
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...14 more annotations...
off from
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  "out of" high school
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">"out of" high school</div>
  
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after several weeks later
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  don't need to say the "after" -- can just say "several weeks later", or "after several weeks"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">don't need to say the "after" -- can just say "several weeks later", or "after several weeks"</div>
  
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After the incident, he told me that he will be working with his uncle and will no longer be attending school.
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his father was found dead
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  intense -- good use of personal story to show your strong ties/connection to the subject you are writing about
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">intense -- good use of personal story to show your strong ties/connection to the subject you are writing about</div>
  
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Of course there are educational problems in Korea as well. But this time, it is not surrounding issues like low-income or harsh environment, because by government law, everyone must receive education in school no matter what happens; therefore, the majority of students do not need to pay the school fee unless they attend private schools
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  Sentence is a bit long...maybe make into two?
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">Sentence is a bit long...maybe make into two?</div>
  
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Different from America, where everyone deserves an opportunity, in Korea, students must be in the top lists to be successful, that is why Korea has a high rate of suicide among students.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  great information in this paragraph -- I, and I'm sure many readers, did not know a lot of this
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">great information in this paragraph -- I, and I'm sure many readers, did not know a lot of this</div>
  
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from December
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  "on" December 14?
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">"on" December 14?</div>
  
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He is a Korean and writes everything from Korean games, movies, education, politics, sports, social issues and more, but mostly complaining about them.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  Do you need to say "a" Korean? Maybe just "He is Korean?", and "writes about everything from.." instead of just "writes everything"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">Do you need to say "a" Korean? Maybe just "He is Korean?", and "writes about everything from.." instead of just "writes everything"</div>
  
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ethnical
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  ethnic
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">ethnic</div>
  
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But I will not be like that. I mostly share similar opinions with Fermentation, but I have other thoughts that contradict with him
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  Good tone and assertiveness here -- I like that you establish that "you will not be like that"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">Good tone and assertiveness here -- I like that you establish that "you will not be like that"</div>
  
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this blog looks boring.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  haha, nice informality
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">haha, nice informality</div>
  
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The reason I fell in love with this blog is because of his writing methods. He uses amazing stories and analogies to refer to how an educational organization must be improved
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  great way of telling us why you chose this blog
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">great way of telling us why you chose this blog</div>
  
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exciting
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  "excited"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">"excited"</div>
  
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Now, it is my turn. This is just the beginning. Welcome to my world.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  I like this wrap up
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">I like this wrap up</div>
  
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14More

Sports Cereal: Trifecta - 1 views

sportscereal.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by Lauren Goehner on 09 Feb 10 - Cached

It was wild.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  haha, I like your voice and use of shorter sentences. Good intro.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">haha, I like your voice and use of shorter sentences. Good intro.</div>
  
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I decided that I should input my opinions on sports related issues and so I started this blog. I pride myself on trying to being fair. I still have my favorite sports teams and athletes that I root for, but I strive to be fair in my sports related analyses. I guess you'll agree or disagree based on my upcoming posts.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  nice way to tell us about what you will be blogging about, while giving insight into your personality and character
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">nice way to tell us about what you will be blogging about, while giving insight into your personality and character</div>
  
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So let’s go over the credentials again: live in the second largest sports market; college student; and willing to admit things that might be painful. Alright, looks good.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  good voice
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">good voice</div>
  
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...4 more annotations...
a sport I have loved since birth basically
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  maybe add the basically earlier -- "a sport I have basically loved since birth"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">maybe add the basically earlier -- "a sport I have basically loved since birth"</div>
  
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Basically, he doesn’t sound like he’s whining and that’s a good thing for the reader.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  good intro/summary about simmons - i like that you use your voice to talk about his
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">good intro/summary about simmons - i like that you use your voice to talk about his</div>
  
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persona
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  maybe a new word for persona?
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">maybe a new word for persona?</div>
  
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He finds the right balance.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  good job reviewing his blog, but maybe include a couple sentences at the end about how it might influence your writing, or some way to kind of sum it up/conclude the post and wrap it up
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">good job reviewing his blog, but maybe include a couple sentences at the end about how it might influence your writing, or some way to kind of sum it up/conclude the post and wrap it up</div>
  
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10More

Food Adventures: Trifecta - 0 views

bamintofoodadventures.blogspot.com/...trifecta.html

shared by Lauren Goehner on 09 Feb 10 - Cached

Ever since 5 o’clock this afternoon, I have been trying to think of a way to introduce this blog. Since then, 5 hours have passed and my mind is still a blank. I really want to tell you about my culture, my love for eating, my culture’s love for eating, my culture’s love for uncommon foods, but I cannot formulate the words to do so.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  I love your honesty with the readers in this intro. Only suggestion - in the last sentence, maybe add an "and" : "..my culture's love for eating, AND my culture's love for uncommon foods..." to help it sound a bit more complete.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">I love your honesty with the readers in this intro. Only suggestion - in the last sentence, maybe add an "and" : "..my culture's love for eating, AND my culture's love for uncommon foods..." to help it sound a bit more complete.</div>
  
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learn
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  did you mean to say "learned" ?
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">did you mean to say "learned" ?</div>
  
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That is why I feel very fortunate to come from a Cantonese family because we eat many weird and unusual foods in our culture like field mice, crickets, and scorpions (well, that’s not on our daily menu). As Cantonese people put it, “as long as its back faces the sky then you can eat it”.
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  I like the personal touch here and the background on your family. Also funny
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">I like the personal touch here and the background on your family. Also funny</div>
  
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...2 more annotations...
Don't you like how he personifies the asparagus?
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  I like how you address the reader like you are actually talking face-to-face with them. Also good job summarizing the tone of the other blogger, and giving us your own insight into his blog
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">I like how you address the reader like you are actually talking face-to-face with them. Also good job summarizing the tone of the other blogger, and giving us your own insight into his blog</div>
  
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he variety of post topics, blogging from interesting highlights from his travels to introducing wonderful shops and restaurants in Paris and cooking up delicious desserts, is full of surprises
- Lauren Goehner on 18 Apr 10
  
  This sentence was a little confusing at first... maybe if you said something like: "His post topics, which can vary from decribing highlights from his travels, to introducing wonderful shops and restaurants in Paris, and how to cook up delicious desserts, are always full of surprises"
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">This sentence was a little confusing at first... maybe if you said something like: "His post topics, which can vary from decribing highlights from his travels, to introducing wonderful shops and restaurants in Paris, and how to cook up delicious desserts, are always full of surprises"</div>
  
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Beauty Is No Longer Truth - 1 views

plasticvilleusa.blogspot.com paper1

shared by Lauren Goehner on 09 Feb 10 - Cached

8More

Celebrities: Our Walking Ads - 3 views

celeb-walkingads.blogspot.com

shared by Scott Prentice on 04 Feb 10 - Cached

So browsing the past brought up a lot of "she did whats?!" that would make the avid gossipists look away with shame for my naivety. 
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  This sentence sounds as if it is part of the author's diary - this whole introductory paragraph reads almost as a diary entry, giving the readers a special insight into the author's thoughts. The descriptive language in this particular sentence evokes a very clear image, as I can almost see a group of gossiping women behind their trashy magazines, with a look of shock on their face.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">This sentence sounds as if it is part of the author's diary - this whole introductory paragraph reads almost as a diary entry, giving the readers a special insight into the author's thoughts. The descriptive language in this particular sentence evokes a very clear image, as I can almost see a group of gossiping women behind their trashy magazines, with a look of shock on their face.</div>
  
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watching the girls sitting in front of you in class surf perezhilton.com
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  So true.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">So true.</div>
  
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and you know what? I kinda like it.
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  This is a good example of the author's voice, and the realtionship she is cultivating with her readers. By saying, "you know what?", it's as if she is telling us a secret, which in a way she is.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">This is a good example of the author's voice, and the realtionship she is cultivating with her readers. By saying, "you know what?", it's as if she is telling us a secret, which in a way she is.</div>
  
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...1 more annotation...
Anne is playing mom here, cleaning up the mess that celebrities and their big mouths leave behind
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  This is a good comparison, and a strong way to characterize the blogger.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">This is a good comparison, and a strong way to characterize the blogger.</div>
  
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10More

Celebrity Cosmetic Surgery: Heidi Montag - Plastic Surgery Addiction - 0 views

celebritycosmeticsurgery.blogspot.com/...plastic-surgery-addiction.html Voiceex

shared by Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10 - Cached

What the heck is going on here?
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  The use of a rhetorical question combined with his informal language ("heck") develops his tone on the subject. It conveys his confusion, and a feeling of absurdity, almost more so than if he had simply said, "What?" or even "What the hell?".
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">The use of a rhetorical question combined with his informal language ("heck") develops his tone on the subject. It conveys his confusion, and a feeling of absurdity, almost more so than if he had simply said, "What?" or even "What the hell?".</div>
  
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Here's what I think about the ten procedures she's had done:
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  His straight forward manner set's up the rest of the post, and is echoed in his opinions. Short, concise, and to the point sentences can be found throughout this post.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">His straight forward manner set's up the rest of the post, and is echoed in his opinions. Short, concise, and to the point sentences can be found throughout this post.</div>
  
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unnecessary. It looked fine after the first one. This just creates more scar tissue which could cause problems down the line.
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  For each procedure, he gives a blunt, one word response, and then elaborates briefly. By doing so, he conveys his own voice and opinion, while demonstrating medical knowledge without the complex jargon and sounding too much like a doctor.The readers do not care to know more than what he says.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">For each procedure, he gives a blunt, one word response, and then elaborates briefly. By doing so, he conveys his own voice and opinion, while demonstrating medical knowledge without the complex jargon and sounding too much like a doctor.The readers do not care to know more than what he says.</div>
  
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...2 more annotations...
looks like Cruella De Vil
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  A funny, and easy-to-imagine comparison.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">A funny, and easy-to-imagine comparison.</div>
  
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Heidi had a very nice derriere before the surgery. She should leave well-enough alone. She risks it becoming lumpy and uneven.
- Lauren Goehner on 04 Feb 10
  
  Instead of saying butt, he chooses to say "derriere", which sounds more sarcastic. Again, he uses brief sentences and informal language ("lumpy" and "uneven"), enhancing the conversational feel. You can almost hear him standing, counting out each surgery on his fingers, and giving his respective opinion.
  
  <div class="cArrow"> </div><div class="cContentInner">Instead of saying butt, he chooses to say "derriere", which sounds more sarcastic. Again, he uses brief sentences and informal language ("lumpy" and "uneven"), enhancing the conversational feel. You can almost hear him standing, counting out each surgery on his fingers, and giving his respective opinion.</div>
  
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