Group items tagged

See the examples provided in the Drumbeat post. Notice the way it is structured like a pitch. For example, does your first sentence make you want to participate? If not, then rework it so it does. Give this sort of attention to all of the sentences. 

BTW, as you rework these sentences the section that follows will also need to be reworked as a result. The core of what you want to say is here, but it all needs to be punched up some.

How will you recruit? Dig into the process in a bit more detail.

If you plan more fully, then you'll have a better idea of who you need to recruit and what you will need them to do.

There is a lot more to unpack in the step. You need to plan for the pre-production, production, and post-production steps. I can share a rubric from my video production class if it helps.

Here's where you need to leave behind a process that others can pick up and continue in the future. If you do this, then you have the chance to leave something of yourself behind after you graduate.

What else do you need in this studio? Think about lighting, sound, teleprompters, costuming, make-up etc.

D & E can both be used to really pitch your idea. Think through these questions more carefully. Think of this in the same way that you might apply for a job. This is your opportunity to sell yourself. Would you buy into you based on your responses?

Take a look at some of the example Drumbeat proposals in the Drumbeat blog. Punching up the content in section #2 will help. I think your ultimate goal is to advance yourself in respect to eventually becoming a sports agent. There are a lot of ways to accomplish that goal using social media and web-based media. Think through all of the technologies that we've experienced. What do you need to do to achieve your goal? What technologies can be used to advance that goal? For example, this occupation will eventually require a law degree with a focus on contract law. Can you begin learning the basics now? How can social media help you collect, organize, and retrieve what you have learned or hope to learn. I am not suggesting that you change the project entirely, but based on your goal you ought to think carefully about what will be the best use of the technologies we've discussed for your purposes. Is the blog it?

Excellent graphic. Take a look at your process. What can you replace blog with or add to blog to help you achieve your goal.

BTW, if you and Derek (and even potentially Joe) choose to combine efforts then make sure you work together to create a single proposal.

You have a couple of audiences worth considering and you may need to communicate with those audiences differently. For example, you will need to recruit contributors a bit differently than readers. Try to define both fully and completely. You also may need to divide those two audiences into smaller segments (i.e. students, alum etc.) 

This section also highlights that potential employers for your student writers are also worth considering.

Revise this to really sell your idea. Use these sections as an opportunity to really make others want to participate in your project. Orient your words around your idea more than around you.

Punch up these sentences. This list of rather dry phrases does an excellent job of planning the process, but a not so excellent job of selling the idea. It might be good to keep both levels because they are both useful, but your public face needs to be a bit different. I expect that changes to your five core sentences will also dictate changes to the descriptions below.

While learning HTML, Java, Flash etc. may eventually be necessary, you might be able to simplify things a bit for your prototype. Think about other tools you might use. I recommend that you take a look at Storify in combination with a blog to see if this might help. It may not but it's worth exploring.

What you have described is a bit different than uploading content. Also, make sure you are a familiar with copyright if part of your plan involves borrowing content from other places.

Check out cmap tools

or Xmind.

Comma error

The transition into Lhamon and throughout this paragraph is a bit rough. Put differently, try to set up Lhamon's contribution here a bit more clearly.

Also does the slave comprise the entire working class or just one part of it? One way to deal with the transition issue I am referring is to more fully and clearly set up the discussion of class as it relates to blackness.

Explain how. Carry this idea a bit further.

You also have not really mentioned art forms up to this point, which makes the statement a bit curious.

This idea is a solid one.

The notion of the gesture has a lot of potential for your piece.

This entire paragraph is solid. Frankly, it's one of the most insightful readings of that moment I have encountered. You may want to consider moving it up in the piece. Put differently, this passage causes to wonder if either deleting the Lhamon passage or at least having it follow this might make your intro more powerful. What I'm getting at is that there is an interruption in your personal anecdote that seems unnecessary.

This sentence's structure is a bit cumbersome.

You need Entman's first name on first reference.

Make your connection between news and rap stronger. Both are attempts at an expression of reality within the frameworks of artistic convention.

Spelling.

Is there a way to connect this speech back to Iverson's move?

This is not true. You've already used some primary sources.

Marxist not Marxian.

You might even go with Gramscian since it was he who added hegemony to the Marxist lexicon.

Then why use the "pages" reference above?

All in all, the intro is pretty good. As mentioned above there are a few structural things I'd revise and you might do a better job of integrating your two core topics by discussing them together when it's possible to do so. Having said that, I love the tone of the piece and the personal aspect of it.

You need to develop what you mean ruling class in more specificity. There's a certain context that you're seeking but that context is not quite clear.

This is an excellent intro.

Blackness is also defined in opposition to whiteness. Put differently, we cannot understand blackness unless we simultaneously understand its opposition.

You'll run into criticism from historians here. The Civil Rights Movement extends to the pre-Civil War era...think Frederick Douglass. You might solve this issue by tagging the Civil Rights Act of 1964 instead.

You might also benefit from tracing the history and the emergence of the ghetto, which is linked to banking practices of the post-WWII era.

BTW, what history books say this? Put differently, are you overstating your case here?

Grammar

I might say marginalized rather than ignored.

For that matter, is there not evidence in Africa prior to slave trade?

This graph seems disconnected from the story of hip hop. I agree that it's not but you need to clarify the connection.

You seem to try to make this connection in the parenthetical graph that follows but it's still a bit obscured.

This story is more effective than the story of the Negro Revolt. 

In fact this story is quite effective.

I keep seeing scenes from 8 Mile as I read this. The connections seem so clear. I wonder if using such a scene might help the piece. You could also look at Breakin or Krush Groove to find a "blacker" scene.

The discussion of the butcher and how he benefits will also become important as you consider record label execs.

Define this and include first name on first mention.

The point of the Revolt story become much clearer here, but with some alterations above I think you can accomplish this earlier.

It's also important to recognize that Irish were essentially considered "black" at this point in history.

Note the adoption of dialect and how this framed blackness.

Nice and powerful graph.

Some will argue that there is no post-Civil Rights because that implies that the battles against racism are won.

What about place?

It might be useful to include a brief mention within this paragraph of why Detroit was such a desirable location.

BTW, I realize that you expand on this topic in the next paragraph but there's an opportunity to forecast that here.

The past few paragraphs are quite uneven. You're really bouncing from subject to subject. I realize that the topics are interconnected, but I think more polish would better connect them. It might even take tightening things up by deleting some words.

Chicago is not southeast of NY. It is southwest.

This seems like a major digression and the point of doing so is unclear.

Who is "we"?

But Chicago was a central location for the emergence of jazz, and as you mention Detroit soul. This section might stronger if it were structured more around the music and the expression than the economics. I agree that the economic considerations are important. What I am suggesting is that they take a backseat to some degree and that you use them to support the story you're trying to tell because the central story is getting lost in all of the information that you're trying to deliver. You did some solid research, but the synthesis and integration of that research could use some more work.

Forecast that event more clearly. The transition to the next paragraph is abrupt.

This claim also seems to lay the foundation for another section of the essay instead of a continuation of this section.

The Moses story is told quite well and is effective.

The stories of these early rappers are also intriguing and effective. The transition between Moses to these stories is a bit rough though. You need to make a better connection between place and expression. The ideas are in here and the research you've conducted is solid. The improvement I'm suggesting is all related to delivery, revision and refinement.

Is this the heading for a new section? It seems out of place.

There some stuff with Disco's form that might worth acknowledging here. Disco, like rap, is primarily a production booth phenomenon. It's less about instrumentation than sound boards.

I appreciate what you're trying to do with this definition, but I'd like ask a question from the point of view of a devil's advocate. Wouldn't this definition also apply to most country music? In essence, I am asking if a tie to its racial roots is necessary within the definition you have composed? I might also suggest including the artistic form, but I know you want this definition to include basketball later so I understand why you have not done this.

This reference is interesting since it's tied to an era of protest music.

Doesn't Rose argue that it's not melody that drives rap?

Put differently, is beat part of melody?

Shouldn't you stick with ghetto for consistency's sake?

Is the point of this story just to serve as a transition or do you have a larger point that you'd like to make?

There's also a financial benefit to a smaller group. The money is only split three ways.

TV does not need periods. 

You might also find the soundtrack to the movie Judgement Night interesting.

This is a brief but interesting investigation of the commonality between rap and metal. There may be more to explore here.

I might say they are "sometimes" derived from fear.

Offer an interpretation of this stance. Why does he take the stance? Isn't the stance much like that taken by MJ off the court?

Solid and concise explanation.

It always helps to reference someone specific when making a claim like this.

Excellent quote.

Eliminate one "first".

You seemed to set this section up to discuss the MSG show involving Run DMC and LL, yet you skip to PE.

PE is also decidedly different than LL and DMC. This band wore its race on its sleeve and integrated this into the protestations of their music. Put differently, they enjoyed commercial success while embracing rather commercializing their blackness. At least I think this argument could be made.

Correct.

Spelling

KRS-One would later engage in its own PE/Anthrax style crossover by teaming up with REM.

Overall, there is a lot of great information in Part I. It still needs to polish to become something truly excellent but as it stands it's good.  The biggest issues I see involve flow, integration and connection. It possesses a series of stops and starts along with some left turns and right turns. What I mean is that it almost reads like a few different essays at points and this causes the reader to lose the train of thought. For example, there is an academic lit review that interrupts a series of biographical histories. There are moments of artistic analysis interrupted by a economic and class-based observations. All of this is worthy of academic pursuit but it needs to be better organized into topical areas, and then reconnected within the ensuing discussion via timely and concise references. I might also mention that the thesis itself is a bit difficult to locate. The best I could find is this, "By terming my analysis one of 'ghetto' art, I am attempting to examine creations in context of environment -- a means -- rather than the end that is the artwork itself. I am trying to ask the second 'why'; what are the social, economic and political factors of environment which produce rebellion in the form of ghetto art?" The problem here is that theses are rarely questions and secondly there are inclusions that challenge your central idea. For example, PE and KRS are rebellious but LL Cool and DMC are less so.  Having said that, your argument founded in Gramsci's ideas could be developed into something quite powerful and worthy of publication but it is a bit buried in what's been presented here. In the end, I am more than impressed with the research you have undertaken and the thoughts that have emerged from that research. To take the next step toward graduate level work you need to edit, cut, organize and revise a few more times. This section could have been half as long and twice as strong.

I would expect to see something akin to a thesis to begin this section, but it's a bit difficult to identify--at least one that is nuanced enough to set this section up completely.

Issues with sentence structure and minor mechanical problems.

The citation style throughout the piece tends to be inconsistent. It really needs to be cleaned up before you pursue outlets for the piece. This is part of the revision process I recommended at the end of Part I.

Your reliance on a single source throughout these paragraphs is also unwise. 

You seem to cite this section to two different people. Is it that Webb quotes Siegel?

Why is this here? The purpose of its inclusion is unclear.

This section is a prime example of what I was talking about at the end of Part I. For the reader, the connection to the artistic expression of the ghetto is lost. There's almost no mention or tie in to your central topic. I'm sure this will follow momentarily, but the point I'm making is that the length of the digression is substantial and by the time you get to your point the reader has lost focus of your topic.

The BC video should follow this reference if you're going to include it.

You have a chronological issue here. BC released "Cop Killer" in 1992. NWA released its debut in 1988. Your presentation seems to imply the reverse.

To continue my critique...at this point you've lost the connection to Iran-Contra. Why was that information presented?

Excellent description. Well=phrased.

Why not provided images here?

Capitalization

BTW, this can be linked back to another form of manipulation involving radio (see payola).

You need to re-connect this more explicitly. 

By this I mean the TD Rice connection.

I'm having trouble connecting this to Soundscan. Help the reader make these connections.

Isn't this the core difference between a world revolving around recorded versus live musical experiences? Moreover, didn't Dre and others move the musical style from the streets to the production booth?

I believe this is your first mention of athletics since the opening paragraphs. That topic has been completely lost in this piece. You have a lot you want to say and I think the sheer breadth of that is overcoming the coherency of your piece.

BTW, this graph is solid. It's just too far removed from where it would be powerful.

Solid observation.

Connect this to the music industry.

It's a solid point with a clear connection.

And what about intra-cultural division?

Another note that I might make about this piece if I were to compare it to a Master's thesis that the divisions are problematic, which is tied to the other issues I've raised along the way. A thesis tends to be formatted as follows: introduction, lit review, analysis, and conclusion. Your lit review and analysis are scattered throughout the piece.

How is concession theory different from hegemonic theory? Is it more a matter of semantics than substance?

Make sure to reiterate that the profit is funneled through the industry to the artist. Put differently, even if these folks make millions they are still the labor in this equation.

Your thesis may be buried right here.

Why not build the entire piece around capitalism and make that point from the outset?

Excellent. This should be near the front of this piece.

This represents a decided shift in theoretical perspective. This is the first time you've moved to discuss this through a gendered lens. While this may be--and I think it is--an avenue worthy of pursuing, it's also a big enough topic to warrant section or essay of its own.

You really do a nice job of bringing things together here, This is the type of synthesis I've been seeking throughout the piece.

How is concession theory different from hegemonic theory? Is this more a matter of semantics than substance?

This may be where you've buried your thesis. Why not kick this thing off on the topic of capitalism and build from there?

Solid synthesis

This is the first reference to gender. While I agree that this line is worth pursuing, it's also arguably a topic of its own.

This is the type of synthesis I've been seeking for the whole piece. It's an excellent bringing together of topics.

Another solid line to develop a thesis around.

This should be within the section that discusses him.

This is really one of the first times that you've connected the drugs you discussed in the Iran-Contra section to the rap game.

into?

The connection between BIG and Puff could be made more effectively in your transition.

Spelling

There's another similar error below "thoes"

I know you want to include the basketball story in this piece, but at this point it has been ignored to such a degree that it seems out of place.

This causes me to think of the differing penalties for crack and powder cocaine, which is an example overlooked in that discussion.

spelling

This section really comes across as incomplete and off topic. I appreciate why it's here and what you're trying to do but it seems forced into the essay.

In the end, much of what I said at the mid-point still holds true. The piece has some really excellent moments involving a depth of research. The problems do not involve the central ideas as much as they involve the presentation of them. Put simply, this piece is way too long and that's because it needs some heavy-handed editing in order to better identify and synthesize the core argument. As much as I hate to say it, I think the opening anecdote and the closing homage Iverson need to go. You need to structure a more identifiable thesis statement and then build the essay around that. If you can turn this into a 3000 word essay then you'll solve your presentation problem. It may be that you can turn it into something bigger as you hope but the right now structural and organizational issues are really hindering reader comprehension.  In my opinion, you're running into an issue that plagues many researchers early in their careers--you've read so much that you want to display everything you've learned. The problem is that you're trying to deliver what should be 3-5 essays in a single one. By viewing this as a series of essays you may create chapters in a more coherent book eventually, but right now it's running together too much.

Citations should be in alphabetical order.

You should also include the songs you've quoted.

1c: You might have a solid idea here. How do college students cook differently than other audiences? Is there a way to tailor your approach to this specific audience in order to offer something that does not exist? Do college students, particularly in dorms, have access to different equipment? Can you make these differences a signature for your program?

1d & 1e: Rework these. Try to use 1d and 1e to sell your idea to audience members and people who might fund your project.

Section 2: Use the five sentences to really summarize your project for your audience and collaborators. See the examples provided on the Drumbeat blog entry. Don't bury your lead. The third sentence is really heart of your project. Lead with that one, then build out of that sentence to explain your project. You, like some other folks doing video projects, might want to consider doing this step twice. One time should focus on your process and production planning. The other should focus on selling your idea in a way that might be presented on a one or two page flyer. If you punch up this section, then you'll have something to show folks and encourage them to help. It seems like you still have a long way to go with your project and you'll need some hands along the way.  Some folks working with video might even want to consider combining efforts so you can learn from one another. The production skills are the same regardless of the content so if your primary goal is to acquire these skills then figure out a way to make this manageable.

 Is MyAlfred really form of social media?

Add Link

Why not just say the alfred community, which includes students, faculty, staff, alumni, and villagers?

The town's description should be your introduction. This is an excellent paragraph. It's compelling and well-written.

Media is the plural.

Pick a hard number. Find the approximate student population and the relative size of the typical incoming class. What percentage of each would you like to reach immediately? How about within five years? hard numbers are better for assessment purposes.

You are not selling this project with this list. This reads like a to do list rather than five sentences that build excitement about your project. See the examples on the Drumbeat blog.

A revision might look like this: 1. Learn about the Alfred community. 2. Meet new people. 3. Spread ideas. 4. Share experiences. 5. Look back at your accomplishments. These sentences are not terribly different than yours but the impact of the words is markedly different.

Don't just offer the problem; offer solutions.  This is an opportunity to discuss privacy and decorum in the FYE program. This idea could be married to an information literacy component.

How will they know to do this? Explain how the FYE class should introduce this project. You say profs will encourage, but you need to teach the profs to teach this project. Be more explicit.

Spelling

Dead link