New School Civics

"Are your kids internal or external processors? Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman, POP Parenting Published 3:19 p.m. CT March 18, 2016 Buy Photo (Photo: Advertiser file) CONNECT TWEET LINKEDIN COMMENT EMAIL MORE Communication is perhaps the most important tool for building strong family relationships, but before we can communicate effectively, we have to understand and respect how each person processes information. Some people are external processors. They tend to think out loud. The more an external processor talks and receives feedback, the more clarity she finds. Often, when an external processor is left alone in the midst of extreme emotions and unanswered questions, her mind can race and her emotions can overwhelm her. She typically does best talking to a trusted confidant with whom she can process her thoughts, fears, wants and options. An internal processor is just the opposite. When she is facing extreme emotions and unanswered questions, she needs time alone to carefully think through the situation and her choices. She has to mull things over for a while and quietly ponder possible solutions. The more an internal processor is forced to talk before she has had time to process, the more confused, frustrated and overwhelmed she will become. So what happens when a parent is an external processor and a child is an internal processor or vice versa? The external processing parent can either back the internal processing child into a corner and cause her to shut down or an internal processing parent can cause the external processing child to feel abandoned and hopeless as the parent retreats to calm down and find answers. Awareness is the key to bridging the communication gap here. For starters, parents need to be self-aware. We need to understand how we process information and make decisions. Then, we need to become aware of how our kids operate. External processing parents need to recognize when a child is shutting down. Then the parent can suggest the chil