The Crossover (with images) · 2centsports · Storify - 1 views
-
-
Chad Harriss on 17 Oct 12Capitalization error.
-
-
-
- ...107 more annotations...
-
-
-
The transition into Lhamon and throughout this paragraph is a bit rough. Put differently, try to set up Lhamon's contribution here a bit more clearly.
-
Also does the slave comprise the entire working class or just one part of it? One way to deal with the transition issue I am referring is to more fully and clearly set up the discussion of class as it relates to blackness.
-
-
-
-
-
This entire paragraph is solid. Frankly, it's one of the most insightful readings of that moment I have encountered. You may want to consider moving it up in the piece. Put differently, this passage causes to wonder if either deleting the Lhamon passage or at least having it follow this might make your intro more powerful. What I'm getting at is that there is an interruption in your personal anecdote that seems unnecessary.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
All in all, the intro is pretty good. As mentioned above there are a few structural things I'd revise and you might do a better job of integrating your two core topics by discussing them together when it's possible to do so. Having said that, I love the tone of the piece and the personal aspect of it.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
I keep seeing scenes from 8 Mile as I read this. The connections seem so clear. I wonder if using such a scene might help the piece. You could also look at Breakin or Krush Groove to find a "blacker" scene.
-
The discussion of the butcher and how he benefits will also become important as you consider record label execs.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But Chicago was a central location for the emergence of jazz, and as you mention Detroit soul. This section might stronger if it were structured more around the music and the expression than the economics. I agree that the economic considerations are important. What I am suggesting is that they take a backseat to some degree and that you use them to support the story you're trying to tell because the central story is getting lost in all of the information that you're trying to deliver. You did some solid research, but the synthesis and integration of that research could use some more work.
-
-
-
-
-
The stories of these early rappers are also intriguing and effective. The transition between Moses to these stories is a bit rough though. You need to make a better connection between place and expression. The ideas are in here and the research you've conducted is solid. The improvement I'm suggesting is all related to delivery, revision and refinement.
-
-
-
-
-
I appreciate what you're trying to do with this definition, but I'd like ask a question from the point of view of a devil's advocate. Wouldn't this definition also apply to most country music? In essence, I am asking if a tie to its racial roots is necessary within the definition you have composed? I might also suggest including the artistic form, but I know you want this definition to include basketball later so I understand why you have not done this.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Overall, there is a lot of great information in Part I. It still needs to polish to become something truly excellent but as it stands it's good. The biggest issues I see involve flow, integration and connection. It possesses a series of stops and starts along with some left turns and right turns. What I mean is that it almost reads like a few different essays at points and this causes the reader to lose the train of thought. For example, there is an academic lit review that interrupts a series of biographical histories. There are moments of artistic analysis interrupted by a economic and class-based observations. All of this is worthy of academic pursuit but it needs to be better organized into topical areas, and then reconnected within the ensuing discussion via timely and concise references. I might also mention that the thesis itself is a bit difficult to locate. The best I could find is this, "By terming my analysis one of 'ghetto' art, I am attempting to examine creations in context of environment -- a means -- rather than the end that is the artwork itself. I am trying to ask the second 'why'; what are the social, economic and political factors of environment which produce rebellion in the form of ghetto art?" The problem here is that theses are rarely questions and secondly there are inclusions that challenge your central idea. For example, PE and KRS are rebellious but LL Cool and DMC are less so. Having said that, your argument founded in Gramsci's ideas could be developed into something quite powerful and worthy of publication but it is a bit buried in what's been presented here. In the end, I am more than impressed with the research you have undertaken and the thoughts that have emerged from that research. To take the next step toward graduate level work you need to edit, cut, organize and revise a few more times. This section could have been half as long and twice as strong.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
This section is a prime example of what I was talking about at the end of Part I. For the reader, the connection to the artistic expression of the ghetto is lost. There's almost no mention or tie in to your central topic. I'm sure this will follow momentarily, but the point I'm making is that the length of the digression is substantial and by the time you get to your point the reader has lost focus of your topic.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
I believe this is your first mention of athletics since the opening paragraphs. That topic has been completely lost in this piece. You have a lot you want to say and I think the sheer breadth of that is overcoming the coherency of your piece.
-
BTW, this graph is solid. It's just too far removed from where it would be powerful.
-
-
-
-
-
-
Another note that I might make about this piece if I were to compare it to a Master's thesis that the divisions are problematic, which is tied to the other issues I've raised along the way. A thesis tends to be formatted as follows: introduction, lit review, analysis, and conclusion. Your lit review and analysis are scattered throughout the piece.
-
How is concession theory different from hegemonic theory? Is it more a matter of semantics than substance?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
In the end, much of what I said at the mid-point still holds true. The piece has some really excellent moments involving a depth of research. The problems do not involve the central ideas as much as they involve the presentation of them. Put simply, this piece is way too long and that's because it needs some heavy-handed editing in order to better identify and synthesize the core argument. As much as I hate to say it, I think the opening anecdote and the closing homage Iverson need to go. You need to structure a more identifiable thesis statement and then build the essay around that. If you can turn this into a 3000 word essay then you'll solve your presentation problem. It may be that you can turn it into something bigger as you hope but the right now structural and organizational issues are really hindering reader comprehension. In my opinion, you're running into an issue that plagues many researchers early in their careers--you've read so much that you want to display everything you've learned. The problem is that you're trying to deliver what should be 3-5 essays in a single one. By viewing this as a series of essays you may create chapters in a more coherent book eventually, but right now it's running together too much.
-
-