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Ryan Meehan

Uncle Bobby's Wedding - 0 views

jaslarue.blogspot.com/...uncle-bobbys-wedding.html

gay marriage usf readings argument persuasion rhetoric marriage religion civil rights

shared by Ryan Meehan on 26 Oct 08 - Snapshot
  • Thank you for working with my assistant to allow me to fit your concerns about “Uncle Bobby's Wedding,” by Sarah S. Brannen, into our “reconsideration” process.
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 27 Oct 08
       
      Opening with this comment welcomes the reader and makes me feel as if the author has truly considered the issue at hand.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      I agree with Ashlee's statement. This is a warm welcoming to the reader.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      With this opening statement, the author gives the response a more personal feel. It also allows him to give a truthful answer without coming off as offensive.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      Yes i also agree with the comments above, this is one of the very opening statements and it brings about a more personel level with the reader.
  • Here's what I understand to be your concern, based on your writings.
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 27 Oct 08
       
      This comment gives me the impression that the author wants to make sure that what he thinks the issues is, actually is what the problem is. This shows caring and intelligence.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      Again, I think Ashlee made a very good point with this. This is important in solving an issue.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 30 Oct 08
       
      I like the way he wrote this because he is letting her know what vibe he got from her writings. By him stating this there can be no confusion. All that she can say would be that he took it the wrong way. or that's not what she ment, if so from there on there could be more clarification if needed.
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 27 Oct 08
       
      This paragraph makes me feel as if the author actually understands multiple viewpoints.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 28 Oct 08
       
      I agree that this paragraph shows his understanding of many different views on the subject. I think citing these is effective because it lets the patron see the other views also.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      I also think it is a good way for the author to either show or express that he is not just set on one point but actually multiple viewpoints.
    • Shekenah Whitney
      Shekenah Whitney on 30 Oct 08
       
      I think this comment shows the author using pathos in his argument. By giving the examples of different families, the audience can identify more with what he is saying and connect more on an emotional level by showing that he understands different family situations.
  • ...33 more annotations...
  • Your second issue is a little trickier. You say that the book is inappropriate, and I infer that your reason is the topic itself: gay marriage.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 28 Oct 08
       
      I like how the author responded to this concern by citing examples from other childrens books and also giving logical reasons why these issues are addressed in childrens books.
  • Your third point, about the founders' vision of America, is something that has been a matter of keen interest to me most of my adult life.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 28 Oct 08
       
      The author makes a good arguement here and supports his point very well. The fact that he wrote a book on the subject makes you believe that he knows alot about the topic and that his views about preserving our individual liberties are correct.
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 29 Oct 08
       
      Basically saying "I know more, if not as much as you do. So I'm probably right." Haha
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      Yes i agree with Cybil, he basically just said that he knows his stuff in this subject matter.
  • which has reviewed and adopted these policies on behalf of our library
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      This small statement is a way of persuading the reader. Without this piece of information, the reader may not trust the Board of Trustees or care about them.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      I agree, this statement provides an understanding of the authority of the Board of Trustees.
  • Children's books deal with anything and everything. There are children's books about death (even suicide), adult alcoholism, family violence, and more.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      After stating that children's books deal with many different things, she went on to provide examples. This is important in persuading the reader to believe what she is saying.
  • Even the most common fairy tales have their grim side: the father and stepmother of Hansel and Gretel, facing hunger and poverty, take the children into the woods, and abandon them to die!
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      Again, she's providing specific examples--very effective. I thought it was interesting that she used an exclamation point instead of a simple period to end this statement. I think the point of it is to persuade the reader even more to listen to her. It's kind of like saying "hey, listen to this statement, it's important, and I'm completely right!"
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 29 Oct 08
       
      I love the part about the children's stories, it's so true! A great reminder to the reader to help get their point across.
  • Stories help children name their fears, understand them, work out strategies for dealing with life.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      This is important in persuading the reader. She is going on further to prove her point.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      Whoops, I mean he!
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      Yes i agree, this was a good way to further persuade the reader.
  • So what defines a children's book is the treatment, not the topic.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      This is good that they explained what actually defines the children's book since earlier on in the piece they said that the topic wasn't what defined it.
  • In fact, I even wrote a book about it
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      Ethos! He wrote a book on the topic, making the reader think that he knows what he's talking about and that he is trustworthy.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      Wow! I bet that response was a bit of a sock. I would hate to strike an argument with someone who was a professional on the subject, especially if I didn't know they were beforehand.
    • Shekenah Whitney
      Shekenah Whitney on 30 Oct 08
       
      I agree that the author is definitely using ethos. As an outsider the author seems very..... how do I put this, sort of arrogant, like he feels as though he has all the answers. Especially in this paragraph and through this statement.
  • My Webster's actually gives several definitions of marriage: “1. the state of being married; relation between husband and wife...; 2. the act of marrying, wedding; 3. the rite or form used in marrying; 4. any close or intimate union.” Definitions 2-4, even as far back as 1960, could be stretched to include a wedding between two men. Word definitions change; legal rights change. In some parts of America, at least today, gay marriage is legal.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      This is definitely a great way to persuade the reader. He's throwing out facts from the dictionary to prove his point. And the fact that he states that definitions and legal rights change is very true. Also, stating that gay marriage is legal in some parts of the country is great. I think he did a really good job in this particular paragraph.
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 30 Oct 08
       
      I think the first definition sort of weakened his argument about gay marriage, seeing as how the first definition says "relation between husband and wife." I would have also added an updated version of Webster's definition of marriage to see if the wording has changed. He goes on to say that word definitions change, but just because you have a 1960s definition of "dog," and say that word definitions change, does not mean that that specific word's meaning will be the one that changes.
  • But if the library is doing its job, there are lots of books in our collection that people won't agree with; there are certainly many that I object to. Library collections don't imply endorsement; they imply access to the many different ideas of our culture, which is precisely our purpose in public life.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      This is a very good point also.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      He brings up a good point by explaining that not everyone shares the same opinions and a good bit of the material present will recieve mixed feelings.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      I think it also helps that he earlier showed that he was opened to multiple views not just his own.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Great point. The purpose of a library is to educate people. Many people go to the library for a general knowledge of many different topics. If someone personally wants to censor what they or there children read, that should be a personal decision.
  • I do appreciate many things: your obvious value of reading, your frank and loving relationship with your child, your willingness to raise issues of importance to you in the public square, and more. Thank you, very much, for taking the time to raise your concerns with me.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Oct 08
       
      He is being very respectful about the whole issue.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      You do not find that to often.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Jamie does a good job explaining his decision, while still being respectful of the womans views. I personally think this shows a reflection of his character.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 30 Oct 08
       
      this was good very persuasive.. ( it's like the old saying " kill people with kindness) she cannot get mad at the way he ended this.
  • I even hauled out my favorite Webster's
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      I like how the author even looks into the sources provided by the individual filing the complaint. This shows that he has truly looked over the claims and is taking the issue seriously.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 29 Oct 08
       
      Yes, i agree with Garrett on this one. I like how the author looked over the source to let it be known that the author know's what he is talking about.
  • Little Red Riding Hood (in the original version, anyhow) was eaten by the wolf along with granny.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      The usage of specific examples to show that not all children's stories have happy endings is very effective.
  • But another book in our collection, “Daddy's Roommate,” was requested by a mother whose husband left her, and their young son, for another man.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 29 Oct 08
       
      This statement shows that while some may find certain things inappropriate, the same things may be hepful to others. And in this case, a similar book proved to be a helpful tool for a different mother.
  • has spent time thinking about the context in which the library operates, and thoughtfully considered the occasional discomfort (with our culture or constituents) that might result.
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 29 Oct 08
       
      Assures the reader that their feelings have been considered. Very persuasive.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Here, we assume that the laws and regulations have been thought over and agreed upon by a credible authority. The last sentance in this paragraph is very important. When running a public service there is always going to be someone that is unhappy. Utilitarianism is important in making these decisions, "the greatest good for the greatest number".
  • Although I suspect you may not agree with my decision, I hope it's clear that I've given it a great deal of thought, and believe it is in accordance with both our guiding principles, and those, incidentally, of the founders of our nation.
  • I have been assured that you have received and viewed our relevant policies: the Library Bill of Rights, the Freedom to Read, Free Access to Libraries for Minors, the Freedom to View, and our Reconsideration Policy
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Jamie describes the rules and regulations of public libraries here. He is building his case with firm evidence that will help the woman understand his decision.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 29 Oct 08
       
      I agree with you completely. By him bring up the rules states that he is bringing up facts. With facts behind the decision that he is making the lady can't really say that he is wrong she can only have a opinion since he has a fact.
  • You directed me to the SarahBrannen.com site, which I also reviewed. I got a copy of “Uncle Bobby's Wedding” today, and read it.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      He shows that he is making his own decisions, and researching the topic. Jamie wants to understand why there is an issue and gain supportive evidence why he makes the decision that he does.
  • First, I think you're right that the purpose of the book is to show a central event, the wedding of two male characters, as no big thing. The emotional center of the story, of course, is Chloe's fear that she's losing a favorite uncle to another relationship. That fear, I think, is real enough to be an issue for a lot of young children.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      In making a constructive argument for a position, the sympathy of the woman is needed. Obviously she thinks strongly about her opinion, and swaying her mind is not going to be easy. Clarifying the situation in a non assertive manner is a step forward in making his case.
  • His thesis is that both the purpose and power of children's literature is to help young people begin to make sense of the world.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Making sense of the world is not an easy thing. Intorducing children to very real circumstances when they are young gives them an advantage in dealing with issues that will undoubtedly face them in their lifetime. I dont think it is how long someone can sugar coat that shapes personal opinions, but experience and informed decision making.
  • They constitute a barrier to discovery and use. The books there – and some very fine ones -- just got lost. In the second case, I believe that every book in the children's area, particularly in the area where usually the parent is reading the book aloud, involves parental guidance.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Censorship has long been banned and for good reason. Everyone wants freedom of speech for themself, but not necesarily for others. Parents are there to give guidence, and support. Not to censor their childrens lives and introduce them to a non-existent world.
  • In short, most of the books we have are designed not to interfere with parents' notions of how to raise their children, but to support them.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 29 Oct 08
       
      Why else would children books be used. They are stories that most times use fantasy and fiction to teach a lesson.
  • Here's what I learned:
  • that that kind of decision is up to the parents, not the library. Because here's the truth of the matter: not every parent has the same value system.
  • First, you believe that “the book is specifically designed to normalize gay marriage and is targeted toward the 2-7 year old age group.” Your second key concern is that you “find it inappropriate that this type of literature is available to this age
  • First, you believe that “the book is specifically designed to normalize gay marriage and is targeted toward the 2-7 year old age group.” Your second key concern is that you “find it
  • In Little Red Riding Hood, they learn not to talk to big bad strangers. Of course, not all children's books deal with
  • The book is published by G. P. Putnam's Sons, “a division of Penguin Young Readers Group.” Th
  • You feel that a book about gay marriage is inappropriate
  • government was based on the idea that the purpose of the state was to preserve individual liberties, not to dictate them. The
  • How then, can we claim that the founders would support the restriction of access to a book that really is just about an idea, to be accepted or rejected as you choose? What harm has this book
  • Recently, a library patron challenged (urged a reconsideration of the ownership or placement of) a book called "Uncle Bobby's Wedding.
  • ownership
  • Ryan Meehan
    Ryan Meehan on 26 Oct 08
     
    "Recently, a library patron challenged (urged a reconsideration of the ownership or placement of) a book called "Uncle Bobby's Wedding." Honestly, I hadn't even heard of it until that complaint. But I did read the book, and responded to the patron, who challenged the item through email and requested that I respond online (not via snail-mail) about her concerns."
  • Janice Perez Rivera
    Janice Perez Rivera on 30 Oct 08
     
    Here Jamie is stating the facts that the lady stated which are extremely important because they are true.
  • Janice Perez Rivera
    Janice Perez Rivera on 30 Oct 08
     
    When Jamies states that Sara Brannen was trying to portray that gay marriage is normal.... Sara was not focusing on what was important which was the relationship between the uncle and the young person. i like the fact that he pointed that out.
Alex Gutierrez

Free the Airwaves - 0 views

www.freetheairwaves.com/about.html

shared by Alex Gutierrez on 02 Sep 08 - Snapshot
    • Ryan Meehan
      Ryan Meehan on 02 Sep 08
       
      Read through the argument presented by Google here and assess the approach the author or authors have taken in order to be persuasive. Is there anything regarding the presentation of their argument that stands out to you?

      Feel free to "highlight and comment" on specific excerpts (as you did last week with "What are you good at?") OR you may choose to leave a "floating sticky note" anywhere on the page by clicking the drop down arrow next to "Comment" and choosing "Add a floating sticky note to this page."

      Additionally, you may choose to respond to a comment already written by one of your classmates. Should you choose this approach, please note that simply agreeing or disagreeing is not sufficient. You must explain why.
    • Ryan Meehan
      Ryan Meehan on 08 Jan 09
       
      This is a great discussion...
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 05 Sep 08
       
      The article uses many different, and effective, ways to draw the reader in and to persuade them. The first paragraph states that a wireless revolution could be reached including "numerous new products and services." This is an effective way to draw readers in and make them want to continue reading. I mean, who doesn't want to be exposed to all these new and exciting products and services? They state two different times that they would like the reader to make their opinion heard-in the last paragraph, and also in the paragraph in which they say, "we hope you'll add your voice…by signing our petition." This can also be an effective way to persuade the reader because they are not only saying it once, but twice. The reader may feel important after "making [their] voices heard." They are honest about why they "care" about the issue and later state that they are not trying to speak for individuals other than themselves, but they are just trying to explain why they believe it is so crucial. This is persuasive in a way because it allows the reader to trust them. Also, the word "urge," although a small word, has a big meaning-it makes the reader feel like it is urgent to do what they are telling them to do.
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      They didn't provide any information on what this will do to the environment, if anything at all. Just thought I'd mention that!
  • ...27 more annotations...
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 05 Sep 08
       
      I think the writers of this article did a very good job pursuading their readers that this change would be in their best interest. First of all it is very informative and tells you what the "white spaces" are and what would be accomplished by making them more available for use. After reading this people will want to know more about the "new products and services" and also about the "future of the internet" and the "far lower cell phone and internet bills." All of the techniques used were very pursuasive and made you trust their opinion.
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 03 Sep 08
       
      This is going to make an incredible amount of money when everyone has to switch over to digital cable, because EVERYONE who watches TV will have to.
    • Natassia Watson
      Natassia Watson on 05 Sep 08
       
      It would be great if this wireless revolution ever came to pass but not just because we would all save a lot of money. I also think that in the same way that everyone in the entire country has access to some form of TV even if they don't have cable we should all have free access to the internet. There are still a considerable amount of Americans who don't have regular internet access and so for them this could really be life changing.
  • Three-fourths of the white spaces are completely unused today
    • Bob The Builder
      Bob The Builder on 04 Sep 08
       
      Stating the fact that only a quarter of the white spaces are used was an excellent way to start off their argument. Society has done so many excellent things with just this small portion of white space, imagine what can be done with the other three quarters.
    • Hinal Patel
      Hinal Patel on 05 Sep 08
       
      After doing a little research on what "white spaces" were, it is amazing that three-fourths of them are unused. I think this opportunity will make wireless much more efficient. I agree with the point above because using this fact is truly a great way to start the argument because it gets the readers attention. It may seem a little hectic to switch to total wireless, but with all the other options given, the switch seems like nothing.
    • Ryan Meehan
      Ryan Meehan on 08 Jan 09
       
      Example comment...
  • broadcast in digital only starting in 2009
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 03 Sep 08
       
      This is going to make an incredible amount of money when people switch over to digital cable. EVERYONE who watches TV will be required to.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 03 Sep 08
       
      I did not necessarily think that this switch was going to affect everyone. I thought it was only going to affect those who still had standard cable.

      What about for people that have Satellite? or for People that have the Verizon Fios?

      Alot of companies offer pretty cheap starter plans and special promotional packages,and make you sign a contract and get you that way so you can't go anywhere.

      Anyone know if it for sure is affecting everyone?
    • Brian Russo
      Brian Russo on 05 Sep 08
       
      You are correct it will only affect people who have standard cable. If you have satellite or even a television with a built in digital tuner you will be unaffected.
      While in my opinion, google is only trying to persuade the readers to sign their petition so that they can make more money, they also appeal to the readers by saying that it will save them money on their internet and phone bills, which is an extremely effective way to grab the readers attention. Who doesn't want to save money? I didn't know that so much of the "white space" isn't being used, nor did I know what "white space" was, but the fact that they explain just how much isn't been used catches the readers attention. They say that freeing the white spaces is "crucial" to the future of the internet. Using words like crucial makes it seem even more important and urges readers to sign the petition.
  • kick-start a revolution in wireless technology,
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 08 Dec 08
       
      I think this is amazing. It is just another step towards becoming more technological. I think there is almost a limitless amount of stuff that can be done with technology and that I think is main focus for many in todays world.
  • can't even be imagined today.
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      I think this is a good way to get people interested in what they are proposng. They are drawing people in by saying that the benefits are so great you can't even imagine them.
    • Brandon Cruz
      Brandon Cruz on 05 Sep 08
       
      Agreed. This even gets me excited! It makes me wonder what kind of technology could they come up with. Everyone loves technology
      (well almost everyone) and this statement jumpstarts reader's minds to think of the cool new things they could be using if only they would use those airways.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 05 Sep 08
       
      The authors at Google do a great job of grabbing the reader's attention by speaking of the technological advances that would result from the global accessibility of "white spaces." The promise of technological progression is appealing for good reason. Advancements in modern technology are taking place at a mind-blowing rate, and people are excited to see what the future has to offer. Google makes an attempt to form a relationship with the reader by suggesting that they are teaming up with multiple companies to benefit not only themselves, but "society in general." This gives the reader the impression that Google shares the same views and supports similar causes. Google really gets people excited when they mentioning the words "lower" and "bills" in the same sentence. The thought of saving money really grabs people's attention, which is probably why this information was presented at the end of the article. The art of grabbing onto the reader and leaving them with a good impression was well executed in this article.
  • This fall, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) will decide whether to make this spectrum available for anyone to use.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 08 Dec 08
       
      I'm not sure exactly why this would not be made available. What are some of the downfalls of having this. Are there any?
  • but for society in general
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      This approach is preetty successful in my opinion. They are saying it is necessary for society. I feel this approach gets the attention of many different audiences in many different ways.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 03 Sep 08
       
      Not only do i think they are saying it is a necessity for society, i think they are trying to say that it is right for everyone. All 3 levels of the economic society.
  • far from certain
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 05 Sep 08
       
      I think the use of this phrase emphasizes the argument that the other option is better and faster.
    • Shekenah Whitney
      Shekenah Whitney on 04 Sep 08
       
      I think that the authors at Google used a good approach to convince people that "white spaces" should be used in order to bring the wireless internet to everyone. In the first paragraph stastitical facts were used in order to back up what the author is saying. Google also makes a good argument by saying "open access to this unused bandwith would surely be good for our own bottom line..." By expressing this in the article the authors won over some of the skeptics who are to read it. The authors pointed out what some critics would say about Google's opinion on open access to the "white space" and therefore made thier argument more convincing. The last point that the really stood out to me was in Google saying that by implementing this new plan there would be "far lower cell phone and internet access bills." This was a really good point because consumers love to save money. Overall I think Google did a really good job of writing a convincing article about freeing the"white space" of the airwaves and internet.
  • signing our petition
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 04 Sep 08
       
      After reading the petition, I believe that this is a good idea. In the area where I grew up in Illinois, if you do not live in town, it is almost impossible to get high speed internet. My sister lives 10 miles outside of the town in which we grew up and she can only get a dial-up connection. Also, speaking from experience where you are doing an immense amount of research for a class project- a wireless high speed connection in the classroom is a saving grace for those students whose only access to the internet may be limited to what they have at school.
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 05 Sep 08
       
      I agree, I came from a really small town where it would have been amazing to have wireless internet, or even anything above dial-up. I just didn't have the patience to even experience the internet because it took forever. Once I came and lived in the city I didn't know how I survived before. I think it would be quite an amazing thing for everyone to have acess to the internet in this sort of way.
    • Brandon Cruz
      Brandon Cruz on 05 Sep 08
       
      I agree as well. This would also give people who can't afford internet better access to it, especially for school.
    • Ryan Meehan
      Ryan Meehan on 08 Jan 09
       
      Great discussion...
  • crucial
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      Using words like this makes me want to sign the petition simply because it sounds so important and urgent.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 03 Sep 08
       
      Yes i agree, crucial is definately one of those words that stick out when you read them.
  • to the future of the Internet
    • Brandon Cruz
      Brandon Cruz on 05 Sep 08
       
      It's more like it's crucial to the profit increase of Google. Not that I'm against it but this whole article is trying to pursuade us to to sign this petition so Google can get more hits and way more money. It's just funny how they make it sound like they "care" so much. Like I said, though, I will proabably sign it.
  • Make no mistake
  • Make no mistake
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      I think using phrases that most people know helps their cause because it makes most people feel comfortable.
  • better access to the Internet
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 03 Sep 08
       
      When something as already as good as the internet that is used just about everyday can be improved, who wouldn't want that?

      Throwing in phrases like this, especially if they are true, really catch my interest.
    • Bob The Builder
      Bob The Builder on 04 Sep 08
       
      Access to the internet is already remarkable, I can barely imagine how much more it could improve. If they were to "free the airwaves", web opportunities would greatly improve society.
    • Sean McMillan
      Sean McMillan on 03 Sep 08
       
      This helps to establish a connection with the reader. By them stating this will help their company but then go on to explain that it's not their driving force helps comfort the reader.
    • Denise Sanchez
      Denise Sanchez on 04 Sep 08
       
      I agree with Sean. Google addresses the fact that they will profit from the use of free "white spaces." Their honesty towards the public does create a sense of comfort and trust. To further support their position, they present the readers with benefits they would acquire such as lower prices on phone bills and internet access.
  • more people doing web searches and using our software products
    • Jonathon Ellington
      Jonathon Ellington on 06 Sep 08
       
      I feel that this is ultimatly a capitalist venture that is relitivly unconcerned with its users. Google is just trying to forward their agenda and monopolize the internet. Huge profits for them, and what will this give us the consumer? Less of a wait time for mindless distraction on sites such as facebook and online games.
  • public interest here is paramount
    • Charlotte Randolph
      Charlotte Randolph on 02 Sep 08
       
      Comments like this get people's attention. It makes me think, wow they are thinking of what is best for me and the rest of the public.
  • public interest here is paramount
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      There is the whole "good for society" bit again. I'm not saying that it is or isn't good for society, but comments like these repeated over and over sure makes it seem that way!
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 03 Sep 08
       
      I have gotten the impression over the years that anything that is really good for the society has some sort of flaw in it and they come out sooner or later.

      But i do agree that when i keep seeing the fact that they are trying to please everyone it does keep me intuned.
  • vast unused
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      Words like these make the space seem unlimited. These words make me feel as if there are no problems with using the space and even if there were problems, there is so much that it wouldn't matter anyway!
  • will enable a new generation of innovation and competition from which consumers -- especially those to whom the white spaces could soon deliver high-speed online access -- should benefit tremendously
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 08 Dec 08
       
      Isnt this what it is all about. Access would open up new arenas for improvements and innovation I think.
  • far lower cell phone and Internet access bills
    • Charlotte Randolph
      Charlotte Randolph on 02 Sep 08
       
      When soemthing like this is said, it really catches my attention, I mean who doesn't want lower bills!
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 03 Sep 08
       
      I definately agree, with the way the economy is and not knowing if it is going to get better. Who would not want to save some extra cash.
  • far lower cell phone and Internet access bills.
    • Ashlee Duckworth
      Ashlee Duckworth on 02 Sep 08
       
      This comment makes me want to sign the petition for the sheer fact that I will be saving money!
  • We hope that once you've explored the facts for yourself, you'll want to make your voice heard
  • free the airwaves now.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 08 Dec 08
       
      Here is a pretty good, clear and concise statement. We obviously know what the purpose of this article is.
  • Ryan Meehan
    Ryan Meehan on 02 Sep 08
     
    Read through the argument presented by Google here and assess the approach the author or authors have taken in order to be persuasive. Is there anything regarding the presentation of their argument that stands out to you? Feel free to "highlight and comment" on specific excerpts (as you did last week with "What are you good at?") OR you may choose to leave a "floating sticky note" anywhere on the page by clicking the drop down arrow next to "Comment" and choosing "Add a floating sticky note to this page." Additionally, you may choose to respond to a comment already written by one of your classmates. Should you choose this approach, please note that simply agreeing or disagreeing is not sufficient. You must explain why.
  • Sean McMillan
    Sean McMillan on 03 Sep 08
     
    Make no mistake: open access to this unused bandwidth would surely be good for our own bottom line (not to mention those of many of our industry peers);
Shekenah Whitney

Project 3 Drafts - 117 views

http://docs.google.com/a/mail.usf.edu/Doc?id=dhq3f57z_7cd43qdcq

started by Ryan Meehan on 17 Nov 08 14 follow-ups, last by Shekenah Whitney on 09 Dec 08
Amanda Flores

Discussion: "Rabbit" by Run Wrake - 74 views

This video is probably the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my lifetime. It was sort of disturbing to me. This was also kind of confusing to me. What I concluded from this video was, that this day an...

run video wrake

started by Ryan Meehan on 19 Oct 08 17 follow-ups, last by Amanda Flores on 06 Dec 08
Amanda Flores

"Faces of New York" by Simon Hoegsberg - 68 views

Like everyone has said, just by looking at someone you can tell a lot about the person. You can tell by their emotion and how they carry themselves. If someone doesn't take much care of themselves you ...

faces new photography rhetoric york

started by Ryan Meehan on 06 Oct 08 17 follow-ups, last by Amanda Flores on 06 Dec 08
Brandon Cruz

Discussion: Your rhetorical life - 53 views

I think the past couple of months have been the most rhetorical months of my entire life, if you will. With the presidential elections in full swing I found myself right in the middle of the action. I ...

started by Ryan Meehan on 17 Nov 08 15 follow-ups, last by Brandon Cruz on 06 Dec 08
Alex Gutierrez

"Trendspotting" by Demetri Martin on The Daily Show - 94 views

I think this video is a very good way of appealing to many younger people. His comedic relief stresses a very important point while still making it interesting. That is key in reaching out to younger p...

humor networking rhetoric social

started by Ryan Meehan on 22 Sep 08 19 follow-ups, last by Alex Gutierrez on 06 Dec 08
Vincent DiDomenico

The Artwork of Dan McCarthy - 121 views

A common theme in McCarthy's paintings seems to be the relation of nature to humans and dinosaurs. I see his argument as explaining that even thought it has been 65 million years since the dinosaurs wa...

art readings rhetoric usf

started by Ryan Meehan on 08 Sep 08 22 follow-ups, last by Vincent DiDomenico on 05 Dec 08
Shekenah Whitney

Project 3 Research Plan and Abstract - 51 views

I decided to do option number 1. I plan to write about how a particular online community contributes to certain causes through the internet by using blogs, podcasts, discussion boards, artwork, and mor...

Research Plan Abstract

started by Michael Gutierrez on 16 Nov 08 15 follow-ups, last by Shekenah Whitney on 03 Dec 08
Cybil Scott

Post any Diigo-related issues here - 102 views

i have never been able to view my peer comments on my paper? does anyone know how to fix this??

annotating composition diigo writing

started by Ryan Meehan on 24 Aug 08 19 follow-ups, last by Cybil Scott on 30 Nov 08
Janice Perez Rivera

Vincent DiDomenico - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08 - No snapshot
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      I agree with the comment that conveience can at time bring laziness.... before I got to that sentence as I was reading that same thought came to my mind.
  • lest their message be skewed or viewed
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 29 Nov 08
       
      This sentence could have a better flow. Maybe try "Unless their message was skewed or viewed...etc.
  • One from the sovereignty group might say the FP group didn’t put enough concerning their issues in
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 29 Nov 08
       
      this sentence needs to be structured better. especially starting at the "FP group didn't put eough conncerning their issues in" it seemed like to me when I read this sentence that the word "concerning" did not fit, in that particular sentence.
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • These kinds of disagreements are the biggest enemy to any group or person fighting against social injustice, as they can hurt the team effort, and can cause the finished product to look sloppy. This could also put their message out as looking skewed or disorganized,
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 29 Nov 08
       
      Good point.... It is also easier for a person to commplain about another group or person over the internet because they don't have to see the person...... things like this happen all the time in regular groups or organizations as well.
  • picking up a book and reading takes too long, or is too uninteresting.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 29 Nov 08
       
      try to stay away from "extra words" such as too, or, and etc, (suggestion for this sentence) ...picking up a book and reading it takes too long or is uninteresting.
  • comprise
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 29 Nov 08
       
      overall I feel that this is agood paper. Just a little more review and I think you will de great. Just don't forget to place your bibliography.
Cybil Scott

Winn Project 3 - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08 - No snapshot
  • he environment is by
    saving paper they offer free online cards t
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      might want to revise this sentence
  • ng their environme
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      the enviroment?
  • Not only do they inform the reader about issues but they
    also tell them how this hurts our environment and ho
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      POV switch
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • Their layout makes the page very user
    friendly and easy to navigate. The font is easy to read and the color
    scheme they use (green) is very appropriate for their cause. The site
    is very organized which makes it simple for the reader to find what
    they are looking for. They use clickable images with clever pictures
    and witty slogans on them to navigate the readers to their featured
    campaigns. The rest of the images on their page are also very
    appealing and aptly placed.
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      very was used like 4 times. a bit distracting
  • I
    can’t wait to continue my activity with this organization and
    see all of the things that they can make happen!
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      you might want to elaborate more on how it made you feel personally, more reflective?
Cybil Scott

Alex Gutierrez - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08 - No snapshot
  • Equal
    access to clean water, healthcare, education, influence in political issues,
    and access to systems within a society are all social injustices that plague
    our world. Many individuals have come together, forming groups and communities
    in an a
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      I dont see how any of these are social injustices.
  • poverty
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      corruption
  • somewhat
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      repetitive
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • affects
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      effects
  • American’s
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      no apostrophe here
  • The second reason is political
    ineptitude, or lack of influence due to religion, ethnicity or gender. Rwanda is made
    up of many different tribes.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      Dont understand this sentence
  • The choices were made indirectly for them, and
    without money and power had no say or influence.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      This sentence needs to be changed. Watch sentence structure
  • By supporting
    those that have been directly affected provides a foundation with which they
    can gain confidence to take action.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      I dont understand this sentence completely.
  • Tutsi’s
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      no apostrophe
  • The main goals of social injustice
    groups are to put an end to harsh societal realities, and help the downtrodden
    to recover.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      You can never eliminate them completely
  • Some may find this statement to be ironic in the fact that
    social injustices are due to humans taking advantage of others.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      I dont completely agree with this Alex
  • where the
    strong survive.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      In this situation I do not completely agree. The strong dont survive genocide.
  • 2 U.S.
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      write out the numbers
  • believe that humans should have a somewhat innate human
    condition
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      they do? and what does that mean exactly?
  • but to some, however crazy it sounds is logical in their eyes
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      should probably fix this sentence
  • So I plan to stay active
    in the ONE community and do my small parts in helping our world progress
    • Cybil Scott
      Cybil Scott on 28 Nov 08
       
      i dont feel as if this essay was about personal reflection. how did you feel, how did you interact with the online community?
Janice Perez Rivera

Brian Russo - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08 - No snapshot
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      Assignment Parameters- I could see your main idea throughout the entire paper. You definitely stayed on topic and made very good points.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      Conventions-I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors. You do need a Works Cited Page though.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      I think you should cut off your introduction before you go onto describing the pathos. Otherwise, it's a realy good introduction. You introducted your topic and your opinion well.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      Actually, I think you could just take out the pathos part and put it somewhere else in the essay, and continue the introduction.
  • ...12 more annotations...
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      I didn't see if you really talked about any involvement you had in the website, so maybe you should add that in towards the end.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      Style-Point of view is appropriate. You stated your opinion throughout the paper, which is okay in this type of paper. Your word choice is appropriate.
  • The moderator or administrator of the website uses a great amount of Pathos in order to really appeal to the hearts of his readers, because you have to be a pretty cold person to not feel bad at all for an animal who closes its’ eyes and cries moments before it is murdered, time and time again.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      This is a good example of pathos. It even made me feel bad for the animals.
  • I believe that they should include some of the videos that are currently posted on YouTube of the actual killings.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      This is a very good point. this would be a great way of showing and building up people's emotions on what is occuring to these animals
  • The thinking capacity for the average dolphin is amazing, because they are highly intelligent.
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      maybe here you should add some stats on how intelligent dolphins are.
  • Warning: this meant contains mercury and puts you at risk for serious health problems
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      Don't forget to put direct quotations if yoour using a direct quote "Warning.........."
  • into the lunches of school students!
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      wow... I never knew .... that. That is crazy!!
  • to try
  • meat to try to raise
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      should be and try to raise the public's...etc.
  • especially when the meat from the kills is contaminated
    • Janice Perez Rivera
      Janice Perez Rivera on 28 Nov 08
       
      tr to make this flow a little better.
  • provides lots
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      I think you should use the word "a lot" or "many" instead of "lots."
  • the reader can truly feel the pain of that animal.
    • Angela Moneck
      Angela Moneck on 28 Nov 08
       
      I think this is an logical absolute. You're assuming something about the audience that may or may not be true.
Angel Aramayo

Angela Moneck - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Angel Aramayo on 27 Nov 08 - No snapshot
  • news-just
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      Maybe use a comma here.
  • issues coming
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      ...issues, and come together...
  • their opinions out there
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      Maybe reword this. Something like, "to express their opinions."
  • ...5 more annotations...
  • The
    online community I chose to analyze is called Care 2 (Make a Difference). This
    community fights for several different causes including human rights, the
    environment, health care, animal welfare, and education.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      I'm not sure the first sentence is totally necessary. Maybe you could incorporate the name of the online community in the beginning of the second sentence.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 28 Nov 08
       
      yes i agree that the name of what you are supporting should standout and be in the beginning of your paper.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      I don't think the word "that" is necessary, and can be eliminated in most cases.
  • I signed a petition called “Stop segregating with colors.”
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      Try not to start consecutive sentences with the same words.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 28 Nov 08
       
      As garrett said starting the sentence with the same beginning words makes it seem repetitive.
    • Garrett Granger
      Garrett Granger on 27 Nov 08
       
      Be sure to add parenthetical documentation after quotes.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 28 Nov 08
       
      I think the paper is pretty good. a few minor mistakes that you find in every first draft. I think the flow of the paper is pretty good. a few repetitive statements but other than that i think it is pretty good. also i would start incoporating or introducing your topic or your website a little earlier in the paper, like the first or second paragraphs.
Meghan Winn

ENC 1102 Project III - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08 - No snapshot
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08
       
      So far the paper isn't bad at all. It is very informational and well written. You use a lot of good details and everything is clear and understandable.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08
       
      In the paragraphs you have written you mainly just give details about Africa. When you continue writing I would make sure you address the topic more and tell of the websites visual rhetoric and your involvement in thier webpage. You should also try to critique their page and maybe give some ideas of your own.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 28 Nov 08
       
      Like Meghan said so far what you have is not that bad at all. I think the paper flows together very well and you have more than enough details in the first 2 paragraphs. I am assuming that there is going to be more written so be sure to address the visual rhetoric of the website that you viewed.
    • Angel Aramayo
      Angel Aramayo on 28 Nov 08
       
      Again just make sure to include what you did and how you interacted with the website. anything that they did that caught your interest or anything that you did in regards with involvement on the website.
Michael Gutierrez

The World Wildlife Foundation... - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08 - No snapshot
  • The World Wildlife Foundation is
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      I think this paragraph should be a bit stronger. The opening paragraph is very important. You really need to give a good idea about what the paper is going to be about.
  • they way they live
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      regarding the way
  • I grew to love and respect nature
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      I was brought up to love and respect nature
  • ...9 more annotations...
  • advocated
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      advocate
  • and because I love the study of life so much.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      This sentence sounds a little akward. Just watch sentence structure
  • By not saving animals the human race is hurting itself. Once people figure out they are all here for each other is when things will really start to change.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      I completely agree. That is awsome that you are all about conservation. I feel alot of the same thats cool.
  • However, the simple action of even discussing this paper
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      This is a good sentence
  • and information the site
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      information on the site
  • Clicking on the “Good Stuff” tab lead me to a place where WWF merchandise is sold.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      Where you describe the website is very good and very important.
  • It about being responsible for my actions.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      100% true
  • If I can’t kill it I shouldn’t eat it, so I’ve taken a stance on not eating beef or pork.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      Dont really understand this here, maybe elaborate a little more here.
  • trustworthy site for a great cause, and I felt a little bit better about the world after I joined.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 28 Nov 08
       
      like your opening paragraph, your conclusion needs to be much stronger. It actually should relate back to the opening paragraph.
Michael Gutierrez

Gutierrez Michael - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Michael Gutierrez on 25 Nov 08 - Snapshot
  • Since the beginning of human existence societies have had to deal with social injustices. Many wars have been fought concerning social injustices.
    • Michael Gutierrez
      Michael Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      Maybe try and combine these two sentances here.
  • Countries around the Globe
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08
       
      Countries and Globe do not need to be capitalized.
  • Countries and Continents
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08
       
      These don't need to be capitalized either.
  • ...6 more annotations...

  • After reviewing all the research I had collected, I decided to concentrate my efforts on the Continent of Africa. The social injustices and corruption concerning Africa is mind boggling.


                For this particular assignment I decided to get involved with ACORD.

    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08
       
      This part sounds very redundant. I would try rewording this in a way so it doesn't sound so bland. You use the phrase "I decided" within two sentences of each other and they sit almost directly on top of one another.
  • It is an Africa
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08
       
      I'm guessing you mean "African"
  • Poverty and social inequality, around the world, is mainly caused by corruption. ACORD understands that in order to decrease poverty and social inequality it must halt corruption.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      where did this fact come from and is it a reliable source.
  • they do nothing to help the overall situation.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      doesnt really make sense. of course they are doing something to help the situation. Maybe reword this to make it sound not so contradicting.
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08
       
      Overall, fairly well written. There are several grammatical errors, and words that are capitalized that don't need to be. I thought we were only supposed to write about one online community, not a variety- so I'm a little confused on that end. Maybe you could center your focus to a couple of sites and list them, that way it seems a little more credible and people who may become interested in can have a starting point as to where they get involved.
  • poverty is just the tip of the iceberg.
    • Alex Gutierrez
      Alex Gutierrez on 27 Nov 08
       
      good analogy
Meghan Winn

Hours upon hours of searching... - 0 views

docs.google.com/...View

shared by Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08 - No snapshot
  • provided
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      change of tense (providing)
  • Their dedicated team took over the extremely
    valuable work provided by Schwab Learning, another non-profit that was the
    pre-curser to GreatSchools from of January of 2008 and all the information once
    provided by the Schwab Learn will be incorporated into the GreatSchools
    website.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      this sentence is very confusing
  • provided
  • ...30 more annotations...
  • provides parents, guardians, and concerned citizens a voice
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      i think you mean it provides them a place to voice their issues
  • in a form of a forum.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      'in the form of a forum' might make more sense
  • would have
    proven
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      'could' might be more appropriate since the site is still there and still has users
  • which by
    being ignorant is a social injustice in itself.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      kind of makes the sentence confusing
  • you understand your
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      avoid the words 'you' and 'your'.. remember the point of view writing tip that we were supposed to read a few weeks ago!
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
  • But it is very impossible to do it
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      confusing.. what is 'it'?
  • difficulty whether
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      if there supposed to be a connecting word here?
  • student
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      should be plural
  • who are more
    knowledgable with knowing how
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      'with knowing' should be replaced with a word like 'about'
  • Actually, not only one, several replies
    back actually.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      you don't need to say actually twice
  • in spreading out knowledge with dealing certain situations.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      doesn't make sense
  • responded to
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      you should add something like 'with the idea' between these two words
  • incorporate the schoolwork to basketball
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      kind of confusing.. might make more sense to say 'relates the schoolwork to basketball' or 'incorporates their schoolwork and basketball'
  • The fact of the matter is that by using certain sites one can fight the right
    fight if one can believe in it.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      sentence is not very clear
  • picture has
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      'shows' might make more sense than 'has'
  • in depicting in
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      confusing
  • you, the parent or guardian, the chance to be this teacher with your
    child. Though recall that it doesn't mean that it requires you to peer over
    your child's shoulder, it requires you to help your child in any manner
    possible because in the end of your child's life, the biggest teacher was you.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      refer back to what I said about avoiding you and your earlier.. you use them a lot in these sentences
  • to make
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      'use' could sound better
  • matter that can through
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      not very clear
  • what you
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      POV- avoid 'you'
  • in search for help
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      'in search of help' might make more sense
  • In the future, I hope this site
    gets more and more popular as the years progress.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      you don't need to say both 'in the future' and 'as the years progress'.. they kind of mean the same thing
  • finding
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      change of tense
  • get the education they deserve
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      this is not needed and makes your sentence sound very repetitive
  • behind in life for
    the rest of their lives.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      word choice makes this sound confusing
  • future ,
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      no space needed
  • If
    being an activist becomes a problem then it is no longer activism.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      what does this mean?
  • persuading
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 25 Nov 08
       
      change of tense
  • It is as
    simple as that.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08
       
      repetitive.. you just used this sentence
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08
       
      You use some very good details and have some good ideas for improving this webpage.
    • Meghan Winn
      Meghan Winn on 26 Nov 08
       
      You had some confusing sentences but I'm sure if you fixed those your paper would be much more clear and easy to read.
Dena Rennie

Natassia Watson - 0 views

docs.google.com/View

shared by Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08 - Snapshot
    • Dena Rennie
      Dena Rennie on 25 Nov 08
       
      You did a fantastic job with this project, I really can't think of anything to add to help you make revisions. About the only thing I can think of would be to give the what the acronym UNICEF stands for, but you did explain what it does, so that is useful as well. Overall, this is a great paper- hope you do well!
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